My Life Is A Sitcom

My Life is A Sitcom Characters:

Jeff: Voice of reason. (early 30's)

Golde: Jeff's female 'dad' (40's)

Julio: Jeff's straight husband (20's)

Grey: Jeff's best friend (ageless)

JEFF

(Taking a shot)

1,2,3,4 slam it whore!

(All characters take shots)

GOLDE

What are we celebrating again?

GREY

I think Jeff liked a gay guy or something.

JULIO

No, it has to be something more realistic. I think he got a promotion at work.

GREY

I thought you said it had to be realistic. Hell would sooner freeze over than him getting promoted.

JEFF

You do know I'm standing right here, right?

GOLDE JULIO GREY

(In unison)

NO!

JEFF

Why am I friends with you people?

GOLDE

Technically, I'm not your friend, I'm your FATHER.

JULIO

I've been meaning to ask, how does that work exactly?

GOLDE

Same way that it works with you being straight and married to him.

GREY

How does that work?

JULIO

We don’t have sex!

JEFF

Sometimes we have sex.

JULIO

Shut up! No one was supposed to know that.

GREY

We all assumed that married people would be intimate with one another.

GOLDE

I don't need to know about my daughter's sex life.

JULIO

Jeff is a guy, you know that right?

JEFF

I'm ready for another shot, is anyone else?

(Everyone raises their hands)

GOLDE

Shouldn't someone go help him?

JULIO

I'll go help him. I need to figure out the inner workings of this group.

GOLDE

(To Grey)

Do you think those two will ever fall in love? Like for real.

GREY

They're not already?

Scene 2

JEFF

I got this, you didn't need to come up here.

JULIO

Why did you tell them we have sex? That was so embarrassing.

JEFF

We're married, did you think that we weren't having sex? Have we met? They know how much I enjoy a triple X throwdown.

JULIO

But they also know that I'm straight, as in I like girls.

JEFF

And yet...

JULIO

Don't say it.

JEFF

Wanna do a shot without them?

JULIO

Sure, why not?

JEFF

(Holds up 2 fingers)

What are we going to toast to?

JULIO

Me finding a girl tonight?

JEFF

We're still married. There's no going home with anyone that isn't me.

JULIO

(Lifts his shot glass)

To making love to my husband.

JEFF

Have you ever told anyone, why we got married?

JULIO

No, it's none of their business. All they need to know is that I married a gay man and you married a straight man.

JEFF

True enough.

JULIO

Are you ready to go back to the rest of them?

JEFF

Not quite. You go back, I'll be right there.

(Julio exits, Jeff holds up one finger)

How did life get this complicated? Here I am in a bar, few know my name and yet, I am utterly confused by everything going on. I mean who in the world has a female father, who is not transgender? I think I might be the only person on Earth. Who married a straight man? Me! It's weird to me that everyone acts as if this is all normal and here I am the lone person who can't make heads or tails of it. The worst part is, nobody even realizes why we're here celebrating in the bar. Not even the one person who should know. This, this is why I drink.

(Takes shot. Goes to black)

Scene 3

JULIO

I think there's something wrong with Jeff. He was just at the bar talking to himself. He said one of us should know why we're here celebrating.

GOLDE

It's probably you!

GREY

Isn't today your anniversary?

JULIO

No, it can't be today. Justine and I didn't break up until December last year.

GREY

It's not his birthday. There was no announcement on the news or billboard signs rented.

GOLDE

You men are all the same. Never remember anything.

GREY

You fathered him without a penis and cannot explain it. Do you really want to open that can of worms?

GOLDE

A lady likes to have her secrets.

JULIO

Do you think he's upset that we only got married for my green card and not because we're in love?

GREY

Yeah. But we were all sick of playing the "will they or won't they game."

GOLDE

I mean it's not like you guys aren't in love, we all see it.

(Jeff entering.)

JEFF

You all see what?

JULIO

That we're in love.

JEFF

Are we?

GREY

(Sighs)

Here we go again.

JEFF

Don't you start. We're supposed to be celebrating the 10-year anniversary of the first time we had a drink together and you didn't even know!

GREY

I'll buy you a shot.

GOLDE

And me!

(Grey and Golde exit)

JULIO

They really think that we only got married for a green card!

JEFF

I can't tell them about the inheritance from my grandfather, can I?

JULIO

And the green card did help me.

(They kiss)

JEFF

I really do love you.

JULIO

Me too.

GREY

(from off-stage)

Finally, they admit it. All the excuses they used were dumb from the beginning. I always knew that they would get married and be a real couple, eventually.

GOLDE

Just like you assumed that I was his MOTHER!