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Most recently published stories in Humor.
The Great Grocery Caper
It all started with eggs. Harold Jenkins, age 62, proud retiree and self-proclaimed “Efficiency Expert,” had one job on a bright Tuesday morning—buy a dozen eggs. His wife, Marlene, handed him a neatly folded shopping list, underlined “DOZEN” three times, and said, “No funny business, Harold. Just eggs. No coupons. No experiments. Just. Eggs.” Harold nodded with military discipline. “Roger that.” But Harold had a complicated relationship with grocery stores. He didn’t trust them. “They rearrange aisles to confuse us, Marlene,” he’d often mutter. “One minute the cereal’s by the bread, next thing you know, it’s fraternizing with frozen peas. It’s sabotage!” Marlene, used to this sort of dramatic monologue, simply waved him off. “And don’t talk to strangers.” Harold saluted and marched out the door. --- The moment he stepped into Wilson’s Grocery, Harold was overwhelmed. The store had, indeed, rearranged. The eggs were no longer in the dairy corner next to the singing yogurt fridge. They were now… missing. He stopped a teenage employee stocking pickles. “Excuse me, son. Where have the eggs gone? This is urgent. Marlene-urgent.” The teenager, who appeared to be chewing gum with all the enthusiasm of a sloth on vacation, pointed somewhere toward aisle 8. Or maybe aisle 3. It was unclear. Harold wandered. He passed gluten-free soy bacon, experimental cheeses, and a terrifying wall of plant-based meats shaped like animals they refused to be. Still no eggs. Then he spotted it—a rogue shopping cart left in the middle of the aisle, with one single item inside: a glorious, untouched carton of twelve brown eggs. Bingo. Harold looked around. No one in sight. No shopping list. No purse. No jacket. Clearly abandoned. So, he did what any logical man would do—he adopted the eggs. As he reached in to retrieve them, however, a woman whipped around the corner like a grocery ninja. “That’s mine!” she barked, pointing a dramatic finger at the eggs. Harold jumped back. “Ma’am, I thought this was a public orphan-cart.” “I was getting salsa! They were not abandoned!” “You left them alone—anything could’ve happened. A runaway toddler. An egg-napper. Ethics demand—” “Back away from my omelet, sir!” Things escalated. A nearby toddler, mistaking this for a live action puppet show, began clapping. Another customer began recording with their phone. Harold, realizing he was in a losing battle, retreated with dignity. “Fine,” he muttered. “But I’m reporting this to grocery management. Cart abandonment is a crime in most civilized nations.” He shuffled toward aisle 7 and muttered egg-based curses under his breath. Then things got worse. As Harold searched, he spotted a man—mid-thirties, tall, suspiciously well-groomed—slipping a package of bacon into his jacket. Bacon. Into a jacket. Harold gasped. A grocery thief! Channeling all the spy movies he’d ever watched, Harold ducked behind a display of canned peaches and whispered into his fist like it was a walkie-talkie. “Operation Pork Bandit underway.” He followed the thief all the way to checkout. But before the man could slip out, Harold approached the cashier like a detective from a bad cop show. “I have reason to believe this man has illegally concealed bacon.” The thief turned beet red. “What?! No, I—uh—forgot it was in my jacket!” The cashier blinked. “Do you want to pay for it, sir?” “Yes!” the man cried. “Please! I’m not a criminal! It’s bacon, not diamonds!” Harold beamed. Justice served. --- He returned home an hour later, breathless and eggless. Marlene stood at the door, arms crossed. “Where are the eggs?” Harold wiped sweat from his brow. “There was a confrontation. A chase. I uncovered a bacon smuggler. Long story short: I may be banned from Wilson’s.” She sighed. “Harold…” “BUT,” he added proudly, “I’ve been offered a part-time position as their unofficial aisle security. They’re calling it ‘The Jenkins Protocol.’” Marlene closed her eyes. “Did you at least get the eggs?” Harold reached into his coat and pulled out a crumpled receipt and… a single hard-boiled egg in a plastic bag. She blinked. “One egg?” “They gave it to me as a thank-you for thwarting bacon crime.” --- And so, Harold was never asked to get eggs again. But every Tuesday, you could still find him at Wilson’s Grocery, patrolling the aisles, inspecting carts, and muttering into his invisible walkie-talkie. Because some men don’t just shop. They serve.
By Muhammad Bilalabout a year ago in Humor
The Lion and the Mouse: An Unexpected Friendship
In the heart of the vast African savannah, where the golden grasses swayed with the wind and the trees whispered secrets to the sky, lived Leo, the mighty lion. He was the undisputed king of the land—strong, proud, and feared by all. His roar echoed for miles, sending birds flying and antelopes scattering. Every animal in the savannah knew better than to cross his path.
By wilson wongabout a year ago in Humor
Fridge of Feelings
Jason Patel was a perfectly ordinary guy — a little messy, chronically single, and proudly addicted to microwave burritos. He lived in a one-bedroom apartment with two roommates: a houseplant named Steve (who was definitely dead), and his brand-new smart fridge, the “ChillMaster X7,” a voice-activated AI appliance that came with a discount because it was a “beta version.”
By NIAZ Muhammadabout a year ago in Humor
How Not to Get Changed for a Gig
It was a Thursday, I think. I'd finished work at 3:30, thrown my guitar into the back of my Citroën C1, and grabbed Sam and his guitar from the office. We both worked at the same school, which made the whole thing feel even less rock and roll. There’s something uniquely jarring about trying to channel indie frontman energy when you were, less than an hour ago, reminding a six-year-old that glue sticks are not snacks.
By Ben Etchells-Rimmerabout a year ago in Humor
Three EASY hacks to TRIPLE your productivity (That you can do RIGHT NOW!)
Let's face it: life today is more hectic and demanding than ever. Do you find yourself constantly behind? Watching your peers fly past you, reaching their goals and staying on the grind while you struggle to keep up? Do you want to supercharge your productivity, get more done and have more time to chase your dreams?
By James P.V. Millerabout a year ago in Humor
BREAKING NEWS: Florida Man Declares Independence from HOA, Crowns Himself Emperor of His Cul-De-Sac
Palm Breeze Estates, FL — A sleepy suburban neighborhood erupted into chaos Tuesday, after local resident Steve “Don’t Tread on My Lawn” Harkins declared independence from the Palm Breeze Homeowners Association and crowned himself Emperor of the Cul-de-Sac.
By The Pompous Postabout a year ago in Humor
Where the ‘P’ dad Sings, and the phone denies access to binge
On the day of the 17th of July. Everything became too loud. The police siren. The music my sister in law was playing. The sound whilst they scored the paper and moved the tool across the wall, erasing what we were all tired of seeing. It was annoying. All of it, without internet access.
By Caitlin Charltonabout a year ago in Humor
