I would like to apologize for punching the octopus!

“I would like to apologize for punching the octopus.”

Words I never thought I’d say, but here we are.

I flexed my sore hand while I looked down and awkwardly shuffled my feet. I put my hand in my pocket, then took it out again.

“I mean, to be fair it did punch me first. Several times in fact.”

I rubbed my jaw where a purple bruise was forming. There were suction marks on my forearms and neck.

“What was I supposed to do? Just take it? Let’s be honest, it had it coming. Although, I suppose since I’m here, I should apologize for the tank. That was me that tipped it over.”

It had shattered with a large crash and water, coral and one enraged octopus had spewed forth.

“That octopus was out of its tank I’m telling you. Multiple times. Did you know my lunch has gone missing every day since I started here? And do you know what I find…a trail of water leading right to that tank. And that son of a bitch…!”

I paused and took a deep breath. That indignant mollusk had taunted me from the beginning.

“I’m sorry for sticking up for myself. What would you do if you were being bullied! That coward has been passive aggressive all week, so I did what I had to do.”

“I know we’re all professionals here, and the animals look to us for support. But I have been singled out and targeted!”

“Really what I’m sorry for is falling for its sad story. When I reached for it it grabbed my arm and slapped me in the face. Should I have thrown it across the room? Maybe that was a bit excessive, but I didn’t start the fire, the octopus did!”

“I don’t know how it knew, but when it grabbed me it must have grabbed my lighter from my pocket. Yes, I know how it sounds. The next thing I know the room is on fire. And I know it was him. It looked at me and it winked. It winked!”

“That’s when I lost it. We ran at each other and it got the first shot in. It smacked me right in the eye. No, that’s not when I punched it. That’s when I kicked it. I panicked and ripped it off my face and punted it into the orca tank.”

“In hindsight, I should have addressed the fire earlier and for that I apologize. I likely could have avoided further damages. I actually turned to do that but I realized that that sneaky little bastard had stolen my necklace when it jumped me. So yes, I ran screaming towards the orca tank. I really shouldn’t have pushed the trainer into the water. I hope she’s okay. But I saw the octopus swimming to the other side. He was going to get away!“

“I’m a bit embarrassed for jumping on the whale when it surfaced, I see now that that was excessive, but it did listen to me when I pointed where to go. How much do those things cost?

I see now why “No riding the orcas” is office policy. I mean I’ve seen the sign.

I guess I should apologize for opening the gate. I suppose it’s free now? That’s good right? But the octopus slid under the gate, how else was I going to catch up?”

“Anyhow I jumped off the whale and went for the gate controls. It was at that point that I noticed the smoke from the fire and to be honest I just panicked, and I would have come clean but that octopus was waiting for me! It set me up! The gate opened, the whale swam out and it jumped me. Look at my arms!”

“Eight limbs is a huge advantage but training kicked in. I feinted with a looping right hook and the idiot went for it leaving his big stupid face open. Ya I uppercutted the shit out of that octopus and followed with a right cross that finished the job.”

“I thought it was down, and this time I wasn’t going to take anything for granted so I kicked it with my foot. Sure enough it spun around and inked me.”

I gestured to my clothes which were splattered with black ink. I had some smudges across my jaw and neck as well.

“Look, I am trying to be the bigger person here. I had to make sure that it wouldn’t do this to anyone else. Someone needed to stand up to that thing! So ya, I dropped a People’s Elbow on that son of a bitch.”

“What I’m really sorry for is that I couldn’t do it again!”

I took a breath.

“So the two of us just lay there exhausted and sure enough it pulls out a joint and lights it and offers it to me. I said we can’t smoke in here, it's against office policy!”

“But ya, I took a drag. So I’d like to apologize for smoking pot on the premises.”

I coughed and shuffled my feet.

“It uh…it turns out it’s got a pretty good sense of humour.”

I coughed again.

“And uh…now that I’ve thought about it, it turns out that the big bucket of shrimp I ate on my first day? That was his…ahem…lunch.”

I mean, he’s still an asshole for blowing this out of proportion, but do we have to involve HR?”