Hot Soup for Brains

I’d been dressing myself for how long now? Over three decades? And I still couldn’t get it right?

The sun was most likely roasting everything in this corner of the planet, if you asked a scientist, but if you asked me, it was all funneling to my black shirt. My instinct was to wipe the sweat away from my forehead, but MORON… both your hands are occupied carrying this heavy box! I tried to pretend that I wasn’t sweating, and that the sweat that I wasn’t sweating wasn’t bothering me, and I continued down the sidewalk, sun sautéing my skin through my blackest of black shirts.

I knew that I’d be moving tons of things into my new apartment today, so I looked through my clean shirts that were light-colored. So many of them were heavy, with the exception of the yellow shirt, but it looked like a shirt I had seen employees of a moving company wearing just the other day. I refused to wear a shirt that made me look like a mover while moving stuff into my place… because what if someone thought this was my job and asked me to help them move something? I was already so un-thrilled about moving my own belongings into a new place, I wasn’t about to help anyone else.

Un-thrilled? Was that a word? This heat was penetrating my skull and looking for a spoon to stir my soon-to-be-soup brains.

The yellow shirt was out, and I figured in this heat, heavy shirts would be out. So, I grabbed a light shirt.

It was a black shirt.

It was nearly weightless, but it was black.

Yeah, this was a stupid decision.

I lugged the box up the stairs and plopped it down into my new living room with the other enormous box. I’d get the rest of my belongings from the car later; I wanted to assemble this table first. The apartment was sweltering since I had no curtains and the sun had just been marinating the place all day. I seemed to have brought extra heat in with me on my skin because I could feel it in, on, and around my skin. An annoying, warm cloud that was following me around like I was some dirty “Peanuts” character.

I went for the AC and turned it on, but wait, no, I turned it off.

Yes, it was July, and yes, the app on my phone that told me the temperature read something in triple digits. But running the AC for long periods of time was going to cost money. Electricity was not cheap these days, and I wasn’t in the, let’s say, “most liquid state” with my finances. I had to put the deposit down on this place and hadn’t gotten the deposit for the last place yet, and even once I did, I’d be splitting it with my ex, since we both just moved out… and away from each other.

I figured I’d be running the AC a lot during this month, but if I saved my usage of it a little, it’d save me a little money, and hey, every bit counted. I’d rather save my AC usage for when I was here relaxing. I was going to be working and sweating now anyway, I’d hardly enjoy the air conditioning.

So, I got to work assembling my furniture in a thick cloud of heat that clung to my skin and tried to push me down. I was sweating how I sweat when I played basketball, sticky beads all over my skin, but I was also sweating in a new way. Droplets were trickling down my chest, stomach, arms… actual, big droplets. I looked like a cartoon. In a way, it tickled, but as each droplet streaked down my skin it carried new heat with it and spread the wealth. I started cursing my idiocy for having my relationship with a serious live-in girlfriend end in the summer. It wasn’t planned, but the next time I had a serious relationship end that would cause me to find a different, smaller domicile, maybe I should consider having it all fizzle in autumn or spring.

This was Hell.

No. Hell had eternal fires burning that one could throw themselves into and end it all.

This place didn’t even have cable or internet yet.

I finished setting up my furniture and began fantasizing of jumping into a river, but I was so sweaty that I was certain I had become mostly liquid, and if I plunged myself into a body of water, I’d become one with the river, forever water, and I’d likely never get to finish my current TV show. I was going to grab a bottle of water, but damn it, I left it in my car. 

I needed hydration; my insides were sand and my outsides were fire and the two were clashing and threatening to overtake my whole body, and though I’d welcome either eventuality, somehow, neither was winning, and both were just existing in perpetual agony.

Ba-boomp!

The groceries that I had ordered!

I had forgotten that sometimes I was smart and thought ahead. I brought the bags in and unpacked everything. A bunch of the usual staples, rice, bread, things of that nature. No liquids or perishables because the refrigerator hadn’t been brought in yet, but I did think to buy some juicy produce.

My favorite… nectarines.

I located the baggie and removed the… peaches?

Oh no!

Hey, peaches tasted the same as nectarines basically, but that exterior skin? With the little hairs? The roughness? Oh, I was about to shiver in disgust, and I would’ve welcomed a shiver that brought chills with it, but it never happened. I can’t believe this grocery delivery person brought me the wrong fruits! Ooh, he would not be getting a five-star review. He’d be getting, well, alright, I’d give him four. Everything else was fine. 

I just hated biting into peaches. The feeling of the skin of a peach in my mouth was like the feeling of the arm of a hairy, dirty man from the desert in my mouth… which was something I’d never experienced. Didn’t have to. I’d eaten peaches. I looked to the kitchen sink. I could run the peach under the water, and then putting the peach in my mouth would be like the feeling of the arm of a hairy, dirty man from the desert who had been run under a kitchen sink in my mouth. That wasn’t any better. In fact, it might have been worse the way that the tap water was in this city.

I forgot, weren’t we not supposed to drink it? There was something to do with what they tested and didn’t test… wasn’t that in “Erin Brockovich” or something?

I couldn’t even think straight, my mind was swirling with Julia Roberts movies for no good reason, and I needed to bail on the Peach Predicament. This wasn’t going to bring me relief. The bottle of water in my car would, and I had to go get my boxes anyway. I’d get those boxes, get my water, and then sit in my new apartment with the AC running. I’d be fine.

I turned the AC on and hurriedly left the apartment while it ran. By the time I came back, my place would be feeling cool like the crisper in the fridge. I’d be the cucumber, and the peaches would be way on the other side.

I headed to the left and marched down the street. This new neighborhood was nice enough, but the parking situation wasn’t fantastic. There was never anything available in front of my building, so I constantly had to park way down on another street in front of a big, lavish house.

The sun had left its high noon position and was now beginning its descent towards the horizon, though it wasn’t close enough, and there weren’t enough tall trees to block it out. It was baking my left side in its entirety, and if I fixated on that side of my body, oh hell was it hot. But my right side was untouched by the UV death rays, and I could just fixate on that. Yeah, that was working. The right side of my body was… fine. I wasn’t even going to think about the left side.

The hot side.

The side that was medium.

The side that was medium-well.

The side that was…

… well done, idiot. You started thinking about your left side again.

You’re hot again.

I kept marching along, no cover from the sun, and noticed a big bush along the way that lacked color like the rest of the surrounding vegetation. The leaves were green, but they didn’t have the hue that all the other leaves had. It looked muted, pastel, as if God had forgotten to do another pass on this bush with his watercolors.

God? What? I’m not even religious, am I?

I was raised mildly Catholic and then I stopped believing in that when I stopped believing in Santa. Did the heat just make me re-convert? Hell, I needed this water like, oh shit, should I not say hell anymore now that I might be religious again?

I reached the spot that I had parked at every time I came here to visit… with the exception of today. As I stared at the ugly, triangular, “futuristic” vehicle that was parked in such a way that only it could be parked in a spot usually reserved for two cars, I remembered seeing this when I first arrived and having to turn around and park down at the other end of the block.

Completely forgot.

I spun around and doubled back, passing by God’s least favorite bush, and heading towards my new place, knowing that wasn’t the end goal. No, I’d have to pass my place and walk an equal distance to the other end of the block to get to my car. And now my right side was getting toasted. But there was no cold, left side to fixate on, that side had already been charred. By the end of this trek, I’d be equally burnt on both sides.

I passed my building and pressed on, knowing my car was up ahead at the very least. One of the neighbors from a nearby apartment building that I’d seen a few times exited with her dog. She was extremely attractive and had a great smile, which I’d seen each time we’d crossed paths when I’d nodded hello. Each time I had seen her, I had gotten this instant strike to my chest because there was just something about her. And now it was happening… but my body wasn’t ready to handle this kind of a jolt.

We said hello to each other, she flashed the smile, and my body called out for the jumper cables. I almost went down, but I kept my composure and looked at her cute little dog. I said something like “Hi, Poochy” which was a word I’d never said before in my life, so that felt like an awful first time to try it out. She laughed… at me? Kindly? No idea.

I passed her and kept heading for my car, now unable to get her out of my head and thinking all sorts of things that were not cooling me down.

Yeah, you’re not equipped for this, pal! Not right now!

I couldn’t even imagine how I looked, sweating through everything. Well, I’d be better in a moment, once I got my water. I gripped the black handle on my car, finally finding out what the surface of Venus felt like, and flung the door open to find… my empty water bottle.

Oh yeah, I drank all my water on the ride over. Because it was hot.

I took out one box of kitchen accessories, slammed the door shut, and the thud echoed down the street. I worried my attractive new neighbor would hear and think I was a psycho, so I half-ducked for… I don’t know what reason. My brain was soup, not even a chunky kind. Just broth. I had to get home, back into the AC, and just sit there and recuperate. 

I started back and could see my neighbor up ahead, and my mind began doing that thing where I couldn’t control it again. It was a natural thought process: see a pretty woman, the mind invites the images of sex aboard. I was single now, so I was allowed. But what the hell did I think? She’d be interested? I was soaked through, a puddle of a man. Heat was rising from my innards while the heat on my skin was sinking down below, two warm fronts threatening to collide inside my body and create… damn, there was some weather term for what would happen. I didn’t know what it was. I just kept thinking of two warm fronts colliding and couldn’t stop picturing my neighbor.

I was thinking about her... while sweat inhabited every inch of my skin. Right. Great look. Granted, when I was having passionate sex there was always the sweat, hers, mine, and it was sexy in the moment. When the girl was on top and her skin was just glistening and I could feel it against me, yeah that was an excellent destination to arrive at. But I had already reached that sweaty destination before the journey had even begun. What was sexy about that? 

But then I started thinking about a woman on top of me, sweating, and hey, sweat was there to cool you down. Right?

Huh, this was a new experience. Did this make me weird? Was I wrong for this? I mean, I hadn't been single all that long, so thinking about asking someone on a date or anything similar was not a great idea. But thoughts of sex were perfectly natural. But I'd never started to crave sex with a woman just so that she'd be on top of me, sweating, and then I'd get twice the cooling from my sweat and hers. Usually, I craved sex for the wonderful, orgasmic feeling... not for the woman's liquid...

Uh, you know, this thought was going in a confusing, philosophical direction, and it was a moot point. I didn't know her, so it didn't matter whether I craved her body-cooling-perspiration or not.

Press on, weirdo. One foot after another.

So, I did.

My neighbor had spun around, hair blowing perfectly in the slight breeze and then cascading down her shoulder before she doubled back and was now approaching me. Wow. She was beautiful. She was glowing under the sun. I wonder if she had started to sweat yet, or was that just me?

God, what was wrong with me? I wasn’t ready for this! Sure, I had only just broken up with my ex and needed time and blah, blah, blah… but I was far too hot to think about engaging in this. Also, hold on, had I lost my mind again? This was a fantasy! I’d never strung together a full sentence in this woman’s presence! And I called her dog, Poochy!

She passed by me, and to be funny I called the dog Poochy again, which got a laugh, but I wasn’t sure what kind.

Idiot.

God must have noticed my recent conversion and sent me a sweet gift. A breeze began to roll towards me and I prepared for it to hit my body, nestle its way through my skin, and find that corner behind my shoulder that would set off an internal shiver… but it never did. The breeze died quicker than my imaginary relationship with Poochy’s mother and did nothing but get my hopes up.

God, what was that? The limited free trial for new members?

No matter, I had reached my apartment. I headed inside and was confused by the eerie silence inside. I figured it would sound like that until I got more of my stuff inside. I set my box down with an exasperated sigh and waited for the AC to hit me and cool me back down to human-status before I tried to formulate a plan to get water and nectarines and new underwear.

But the AC never hit me.

I went into the living room and it was off.

What the good God damn?! Did I put it on timer mode or something?!

Idiot! I really wanted it to be cool when I returned. I pushed the Power button. Nothing. I pushed it again. An even heavier nothing.

Hold on a second.

I flipped the light switch on, off, on, off… only the lights did nothing but stay off.

I searched online to find out that my area might be experiencing rolling blackouts due to the heat. These actions would help the power grid not get overloaded.

That was smart thinking.

I supposed.

I wouldn’t know. I had Tomato Soup for brains. I lay down on the floor, feeling like the hot, dirty, hairy man from the desert. I put my forearm in my mouth. My review: Not a great exterior texture, and didn’t even have the tasty peach flavor beneath it. 0 out of 10.

Hold on, what was I doing? Did the heat convert me to a food reviewer or something? Jesus. Yeah, him. I’d ask him on Sunday what this all meant, you know, my new savior. I opened my box and realized I’d packed a bottle of Merlot. Anyway to turn this back into water… or what was the deal with that?