Gertie’s Guide to Gonif-Proofing Your Life

Oy vey! Look who’s here. My lost little lambies. Shlepping through the minefield of your lives. Well, mazel tov and lucky you—stumbling upon my tiny oasis of wisdom in this meshuga world.

I’m Gertrude “Gertie” Greenbaum. Here you will find your weekly dose of no-nonsense actuality. I serve it cold with a generous helping of been-there-done-that. All the way through hell and back, my little bubelehs. And I’ve got the emotional scars and baggage to prove it.

But like the true schlimazel for punishment that Gertie is, I’m here to share my hard-earned wisdom with you. You, my darling meshugenas, the poor, unfortunate, and very misguided souls who have been looking for life in all the wrong places.

Each week, I’ll be diving into the dumpster fire of your lives. Fishing out your burning questions about love, money, maybe some sex, and everything in between.

Financial fiasco? I’ll give it to you straight up. No chaser.

Ran over your neighbor’s dog? Oy vey, that’s ruff! Don’t sweat it bubbeleh. Offer your sincere condolences and a nice fruit basket. And if they still kvetch about poor little Fido, remind them—they won’t have to shell out for gourmet kibble and designer chew toys. It’s not like they were saving for the poor shmendrik’s college fund!

Life’s too short for hand-holding and participation trophies. Sometimes, you need a swift kick in the tuchas to wake you up from your delusions. Who else but me can do it with grace? Just wait until after the third martini though. Otherwise, I can be a little….candid.

Whether you’re a millennial still swiping for love—get over it. A mid-life crisis poster child—reality sucks. Or a retiree wondering where it all went wrong. I’m here for you.

Think of me as your fairy gobsmackinmother. A chain-smoking, vodka-swilling yenta with a heart of gold and a tongue like a razor. I’m ready to dispense advice that’ll leave you shocked, awed, and a little bit wiser.

Go right ahead. Hit me with your best shot. No question is too big, too small, or too meshuga. I’ve seen it all. Done it all. And then some. (Don’t ask.) But fair warning, my little shmendriks, the truth ain’t always pretty.

Don’t come crying to me when reality bites you in the tuchas.

Tick-tock, bubbelehs. The clock of life is ticking, and you’re still stuck in your narishkeyt. You need me to sort out your sad little tsuris before you’re too alte kaker to enjoy the good stuff.

Stop kvetching and start listening to your Gertie. I’ll help you schlepp through the schmuck-infested booby-trapped highway of your life and come out the other side with a bissel more wisdom and a lot more chutzpah.

Life’s a-wastin’, my little pishers. Let’s get this show on the road before the curtain falls on your sorry tuchas!

Stick with me, and we’ll tackle this fercockta world together. One hard knock at a time.

Until next week, my favorite meshugenas. Try not to shroyf es aroy it up too badly in the meantime!

XOXO,

Gertie

ps. Nu, what are you waiting for?

The Messiah? Not coming anytime soon, bubelehs.

Leave your questions in the comments. I’ll work my magic.

Keep kvelling, keep kvetching, and keep kibbitzing!