Codgers Cottage

“Codgers Cottage” A One-Act Comedy

Set in a Nursing Home for elderly residents. The stage is divided into three parts:

Centre Stage is the COMMON AREA where the main action takes place. It has two dining tables, five chairs. And one large comfy reclining chair more-or-less, central. There is a lift and an entrance to the kitchen and an entrance to the gardens.

Stage Right is the STAFF AREA where staff have their meetings and prepare the medicines, etc. It has a desk, a laptop and a cabinet for the medicines.

Stage Far Left is where the daughter and her dad are at home. A chair for Dad.

Cast:

The Elderly Residents

ROS: Uses a walking frame, acts as if she is famous.

ELLEN: Pleasant with mild dementia. Claims to be a psychic.

CHRIS: Ex-seaman. Still has a libido (or thinks he has). They give him sleeping pills, because he likes to walk into the ladies rooms and get into bed with them.

BILL: Is really Belinda. He is Trans because when he worked, males always got promoted. He still acts male, but everyone knows he’s really a female.

MICK: Has a bad heart condition and is on blood-thinners.

The Nursing Staff

ADAIRE: Charge nurse. A cross between Nurse Ratchett and Basil Fawlty.

N1: (Nurse 1) Kind. She has saved up to go to Bali and can’t wait for her holidays in Bali and doesn’t stop talking about it.

N2: (Nurse 2) A trainee nurse who will be taking over from N1 when she is away and thinks she can do everything better than the others because she has just finished training.

Cook: (offstage) heard to scream and curse and throw pots!

New Arrivals

SUZSI: Trying to get her dad Pete to live in the Codger’s Nursing Home

PETE: Desperate not to go!

2

ACT 1 – Scene i

An elderly lady with a walking frame enters Stg/left and makes her way slowly to the centre of the stage. She stares at the audience. In a very loud voice (probably off-key) she begins to sing:

ROS The Hills are alive, with the Sound of Music (tra-lalala)

With Songs they have Sung, For a Thousand Years!

The Hills fill my Heart, With the Sound of Muuuuuusic.

My heart wants to sing every song it hears….

Da da dada da didle dum like a bird in flight

Da da dummmmmmm, da da daaaaa ...

Nurse 1 comes running in.

Nurse1 Oh, Miss Andrews, Miss Andrews…

ROS I was just getting started!

N1 (aside) I was afraid of that. (to ROS) Miss Andrews, I’ve been sent to tell you that dinner will be served in the dining room in a few moments. If that’s all right with you…?

ROS I can’t leave now. My audience will be so disappointed! First I must take my bow and then they can applaud. (She bows. Audience is encouraged to applaud).

ROS makes her way to the Common Area where the other residents are coming in to take their seats for the meal.

ELLEN Was that you making all that caterwauling, Ros?

ROS Cheek! That nurse still thinks I’m Julie Andrews! (Both giggle)

ELLEN Are you going to sit with me today?

ROS I always sit with you. Don’t you remember?

ELLEN Well, you might have changed your mind. What’s for dinner tonight?

ROS My favourite! Roast shoe with splodge potatoes and leftovers from yesterday.

ELLEN Yummy!

Everyone takes their seats and sits down.

Act I Scene ii - Nurses Station

ADAIRE Was that Ros I heard out there in the common area?

3

N1 Yes. She’s still in full ‘Julie Andrew’s’ mode. I’m hanging out for her to be someone from a Silent Film!

ADAIRE Don’t hold your breath. Look, I’ve received this. More bad news from the owners.

N1 Is that even possible?

ADAIRE ‘Fraid so. Listen. (reads) “Due to the increase in the cost of electricity, staff are to encourage residents to retire as soon as the evening meal is over. During winter it is suggested that the evening meal be brought forward to 4.30pm. That will also cut kitchen staff hours and reduce the food bill. Kind regards, Management Team. We are in this Together.” Hah! (snorts)

N1 Cook won’t like it.

ADAIRE Cook doesn’t like anything.

N1 Well, I’m not telling her!

ADAIRE I told her the bad news last time. It’s your turn.

N1 Nope.

ADAIRE Yes!

N1 Rock, Paper, Scissors?

ADAIRE Oh, okay. On the count of three: one, two, three!

ADAIRE Rock! I’m a rock! I win!!!

N1 Scissors. Damn! (She holds up her fingers – rudely) I’ll tell her tomorrow morning. Or as soon as possible. Maybe Saturday, just before she knocks off for the weekend… I know, just before I go on holidays. A whole week in Bali!

ADAIRE That’s next week. You’ll have to tell her before then. Do it now.

Enter Nurse 2 who has been serving up the meals.

N2 Is anybody free to help? Only I’m doing this all by myself and regulations state that there must be at least two staff in the dining room at all times during meals. (she exits)

N1 I do so love to be reminded of the regulations. How are we going to get that lot into bed early?

ADAIRE Turn off the heating? Turn down the lights? I don’t know, but this place is running on a shoe-string already. If anyone dies, they might close it altogether. We need more old people!

N1 Well, they’d have to be completely off their rockers if they want to come here, that’s all I can say. I’ll go and see cook.

4

Adaire goes into the common area to help. Residents are seated on two tables. N1 goes out the back to the kitchen. We hear a scream – and a pan is thrown! N1 runs back into the dining room.

ADAIRE How’d she take it?

N1 Not badly, considering.

From stage right, the tables are filled by Ellen and Ros, then Chris, Bill and Mick. All three nurses are helping the residents. When enough meals are out, Adaire goes back to the nurses’ station and begins sorting out the medicines into little cups.

CHRIS Was that you I heard singing earlier, Ros?

ROS That’s ‘Miss Andrews’ to you, you scoundrel!

CHRIS You have a lovely voice, Miss Andrews. If I come to your room later, do you think you could help me reach a few high notes. Tra-la-la-la-ah-ah-AH-AHHAHHH!

ROS In your dreams Chris!

CHRIS I dream of you, darlin’. You let me know if you are in need of a cuddle. Ah, there was a time when I was a young seaman, I had a girl in every port.

BILL Yes, and a few more in every whisky, I expect.

CHRIS Bill, you look like you know about the ladies. How should I woo her?

BILL Don’t ask me. I never had time to marry. I was too busy working. Wedded to my job, I was. Reached the pinnacle of my profession.

CHRIS Top dog, eh?

ROS (mutters) Top bitch, more like.

ELLEN (Splutters!)

BILL Yes. Only the very best men got promoted in my firm. No lolly-gaggers, no fly-be-nights, no women! But I made it, oh yes!

ELLEN And we are all very proud of you, Bill!

MICK Yes, she’s a jolly good fellow. Oooh! (He holds his heart).

ELLEN How’s the heart today?

MICK Broken. I think my pacemaker needs new batteries or a jump-start. I’ve been feeling a bit wobbly.

N1 We need to take care of you. Do you want me to call the doctor?

MICK No. A good night’s sleep and I’ll be fine. Do you want to take me up now?

N1 Come on then…

5

N1 wheels Mick in his wheelchair to the sliding door of the lift at the back of the room. She presses the button and the lift door Tings. The door slides open. The door slides shut.

BILL You know, if we lose him…

ELLEN We shan’t lose him! He’ll be fine. The spirits would have told me if they were going to take a soul. They talk to me, you know.

CHRIS Well, that’s good. Because if somebody died, then they might close this place.

ROS They can’t do that! Where would we go?

BILL To another home, I suppose.

ELLEN But, but, but, I’d get lost. How would I find my way back? Where would I keep my pussy?

ROS Ellen, dear, you don’t have a pussy cat anymore. Remember? That was a long time ago. You’ve got a pink elephant, now.

ELLEN (Tearing up) I used to have a pussy cat.

CHRIS (Comes over and puts his arms around her) I’ll cheer you up. You can come and sit on my lap… I’ll soon make you purr.

N1 Chris! You know the rules. Ros, I mean, Miss Andrews, I’ll take you to your room now, if you are ready?

ROS That’s very kind of you dear. I’ll mention you in my will.

N2 You can’t do that. It’s against the rules!

Enter Adaire with a tray of pills.

ADAIRE (aside) Ros doesn’t even know N1’s name – so quit it! That’s very kind of you Miss Andrews. You’re a treasure. (Ros takes her pills) N1 will take you to your room now.

N1 assists Ros with her walking frame and they both get into the lift.

ADAIRE Chris, stop being naughty! If Ellen makes a complaint, they may have to relocate you. Or worse, put you in a dementia ward to stop you wandering at night. So – just don’t! Come on, it’s time for you to go to bed!

CHRIS I thought you’d never ask! And you in your nurse’s outfit! Will you undress me? Can I have a bed-bath?

ADAIRE No. You’re ambulant.

ELLEN He’s an ambulance?

BILL No. But he might be in one, if he keeps this up. Come on, mate. I’ll go up with you.

CHRIS You’re a mate, mate.

Chris and Bill go up in the lift.

6

ELLEN Is that our medication? Which one’s mine?

ADAIRE Don’t touch, it’s in order, so I know which is which.

N2 It’s supposed to be marked! Regulations state that as each medication is dispensed, it is marked off on the chart.

ADAIRE Gosh! Really? N2 we have five residents. I put the pills in alphabetical order: Bill, Chris, Ellen, Mick, Ros. Easy. I’ve been doing it for years, so stop interfering.

N2 But in the training…

ADAIRE You will find it’s all different in real life. Come on Ellen, we’ll get you up and you can have your pills.

ELLEN Can I have an extra red one? I like them.

ADAIRE No, they’re the sedatives. Only Chris gets two of them.

N2 To stop him wandering around at night?

ADAIRE That’s right.

They all go up in the lift. Main stage goes dark.

Act 1 - Scene iii

Stage far left is lit up. We see Suzsi and Pete in their home. Pete is sitting.

PETE Have you seen my, my, my… things you see with?

SUZSI Eyes?

PETE Yes, eyes. No! Those things you…. (mimes glasses and accidentally knocks his glasses off the top of his head). Don’t worry, I found them. Now, what were you on about?

SUZSI Time for bed, Dad. Come on, it’s getting late.

PETE I’m not ready for bed!

SUZSI Dad, it’s been a long day and I’m ready for bed. Please. Come on. Bedtime.

PETE Well you go to bed then. I’m not ready yet.

SUZSI Come on, we’re going to visit that nice home, tomorrow, ‘Codgers Cottage’.

PETE Not me.

SUZSI Dad, you might like it. We looked at the brochures earlier. It looks like fun.

PETE It’s full of old people! They’ve all got that, that, forgetting thing.

Suzsi doesn’t know what to say…

7

PETE If you like it that much – you go!

SUZSI Hmmm. All my washing and cooking and cleaning done for me. Tempted!

PETE I already have all that.

SUZSI Yes. By me! And I don’t get a break. Now I’m going to bed. And if you need any help getting into bed – you can ring for a nurse.

PETE There aren’t any nurses here.

SUZSI Oh. That’s right. There’s only me and I’m going to bed now. But if you were in a home, there would be lots of nice nurses to help you.

Suzsi exits

PETE (Calls) I can manage by myself, you know!

SUZSI (Offstage) Don’t forget to take your hearing aid batteries out.

PETE (Grumbling) She’s worse than her mother.

Pete walks off. Stage goes dark.

ACT 1 – Scene iv

Lights come up on the main stage. Residents are just finishing breakfast. In the nurses’station, Adaire is checking her emails.

ADAIRE Oh no! No, no, no, no!

ELLEN Oooooh! The spirits are warning me. Something dire is about to happen. Something terrible!

CHRIS Has she been watching The News, again?

MICK I heard she’s psychiatric.

ELLEN That’s ‘Psychic’, thank you, Nick.

MICK That’s ‘Mick’, thank you, Ellen.

N1 goes into the nurses’ station.

N1 What’s up?

ADAIRE The owners are coming here. They want to see what cuts can be made.

N1 Cuts? Here? We are so underfunded we’ve still got black and white TV. Even our newspapers are yesterday’s leftovers that the staff bring in. I can’t wait to go on holiday! A week in Bali. Away from here for a whole week!

8

ADAIRE That reminds me. We better get N2 used to the medication run. I’ve got the medications all sorted here on the tray. All in alphabetical order – left to right. Easy!

N1 I’ll go and get her. (goes to the dining area) N2, Adaire wants you to administer the medications today. Now don’t worry, I’ll be with you.

N2 I’m not worried. I know what I’m doing. We practiced this in training. Adaire told me yesterday: Alphabetical order, left to right. It’s not correct of course but I’ll put up with it for now.

N2 goes to the nurses’station. Adaire has placed the tray of pills on her desk. N2 picks them up.

N2 I’ve got the medications. You want me to give them out?

ADAIRE (looking at her laptop) Yes please. N1 will oversee you.

N2 leaves with the tray.

N2 I’ve got them. Bill, Chris, Ellen, Mick and Ros.

N1 That’s right. Bill’s on hormone blockers.

N2 Really?

N1 No, not really. I was joking. Bill has pills for his liver. Chris has a sedative otherwise he’s climbing up the walls! Ellen has pills for her headaches and hallucinations. Mick has a bad heart, so he’s on blood thinners and Ros has HRT, hormone replacement therapy for menopause.

N2 Come on then. Let’s get started.

At that moment, a fight breaks out behind them. There is one comfy chair and both Ros and Ellen are trying to sit in it.

ROS It’s my turn! You were sitting in it yesterday!

ELLEN Only for a little while. My back is hurting! I need it.

ROS Out – damn spot!

ELLEN Not a chance, Lady Macbeth!

N1 Ladies, ladies! LADIES! Stop. Enough. You know the rules – we share.

N2 Oh, now we know what the rules are. (pulls a face)

N1 Half an hour each. Who’s first? (they start fighting again). Get out. Get up. Come here. Ready? Rock, Paper, Scissors. On the count of three. One, two three!

ELLEN Scissors! I win. My turn first.

They all turn around and Mick has sat in the chair. He is snoring!

ROS (to N1) This is all your fault! Now look…

9

N1 I’ll get him out in half an hour. It’s time for your medication. Oh! Looks like it’s done already.

N2 Yes, I gave it out while you were sorting out the problem with Ellen and Miss Andrews. Just these two left to do.

ROS I’m ‘Lady Macbeth’ but you can call me ‘Madam’.

N1 There you are Madam. Enjoy.

The two ladies swig back their medication.

ELLEN That was nice, I got an orange one for a change.

ROS Yellow is my favourite. I feel they’re stronger. But I only had a white one this time.

N1 Just a minute, what colour did you say?

ELLEN Orange.

ROS White. Why?

N1 Nothing. Just testing. No reason. N2, can you come with me a second….

N1 and N2 go into the nurses’ station.

N1 Adaire, I don’t want to worry you…

ADAIRE Then don’t. I’m busy. I’ve just had another email. They’re talking about relocating us to a small island. Land is cheaper and they won’t have to worry about security. Apparently, there’s there’s sharks in the water so nobody can get out.

N1 The men won’t like that. They like to sneak out every Friday for a quiet pint down the local…

N2 What? That’s against regulations!

ADAIRE Take no notice. She was only joking! (Behind N2’s back Adaire is making frantic ‘Shut Up! signals and N1 is covering her mouth).

N1 That’s right. I was only joking. Anyway, we’ve got a bigger problem than that.

ADAIRE What can possibly be worse than that?

N1 I think N2 muddled the medications.

N2 No I didn’t! That’s impossible. I did it in order, just like you said. Alphabetical, left to right.

N1 But by the look of it, Ros got Bill’s liver medication and Ellen got two white ones.

(silence while this sinks in)

ADAIRE Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam!

10

N2 But that’s impossible! I did it just as you said. Alphabetical order – left to right!

ADAIRE Scream! Scream! Scream! Scream!

N1 Now I know that Adaire always puts them out on the tray, like this. (N1 mimes the tray and places it on Adaire’s desk. Adaire is nodding frantically).

N2 Yes. And I picked it up like this… (she mimes picking up the tray)

ADAIRE and N1 Scream! Scream! Scream!

ADAIRE You picked it up from the wrong side of the desk!

N1 You got the medications in reverse order!

ADAIRE They’ll all die!

N2 Well, it’s your fault! I told you, they had to be marked off, but oh no, you knew better! Well, that’ll teach you.

N1 You too, when you lose this job and you never get another one. Quick, who got what pills?

ADAIRE I’ll get the chart.

N2 Oh, now she gets the chart!

Adaire hits her across the head with it!

ADAIRE Shut up. We’ve been running this place for years and never had a problem before you turned up. Now let me see… Bill got a hormone booster instead of a liver pill – so that’s easily fixed.

N1 I’m not so sure. Bill has spent years as a Trans. You’ve just given her, I mean him, a boost of female hormones! This could be nasty!

ADAIRE It’s only one dose. Fingers crossed. Chris usually has a sedative but – Oh no! He’s just been given Mick’s blood thinners! He’ll be uncontrollable. His blood pressure will be up, and he’ll be swinging from the chandeliers!

N2 We don’t have chandeliers.

N1 Just as well. What else?

ADAIRE Mick has been given a sedative. Well, that shouldn’t be too bad.

In the main area, Ros has come to check on Mick. She wants a ‘go’ in the comfy chair.

ROS Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam! He’s dead!

All three nurses and Ellen hurry in.

ELLEN I knew it! I said it, didn’t I? I said something dreadful was going to happen. They talk to me, the spirits. I knew he’d die! They told me.

N1 Oh no!

11

ADAIRE (Checks his pulse. She shakes her head) This is really bad!

N2 I’ll go and alert the Doctor.

ADAIRE Oh no you don’t! (She grabs N2’s shirt as she runs past – and hauls her back) Not a word! Hush! We have to keep this a secret!

N2 We can’t do that. It’s against regulations!

ADAIRE We’ll have to keep it secret – or they’ll close us down.

N1 Of course! We won’t have enough residents to keep this place open. We can’t tell anyone.

N2 We can’t keep this a secret. It’s against ….

ADAIRE This is all your fault!

N2 No it isn’t. I …

N1 Yes it is. You should have checked the medications against the chart.

ADAIRE That’s the rules.

N1 That’s what you learned on the course.

N2 But, but, but… You told me…

ADAIRE Do you think anyone will believe you, that we gave you instructions…?

N1 Poo! You’re just out of training. No-one will believe you!

N2 Oh!

ADAIRE We need to hide the body. Any suggestions?

(pause while everyone thinks)

N2 I’ll just get a wheelchair … (she runs off)

ADAIRE (Sweetly) Ellen, Lady Macbeth you don’t want to leave here, do you?

N1 To live in a hovel on an island…

ADAIRE Surrounded by shark-infested waters…

N1 And rat-infested bedrooms…

ELLEN No! I hate rats. What do you want us to do?

ADAIRE Just keep this to yourself for a while.

ELLEN Okay. Can I have a cup of tea?

N1 Of course dear. I’ll get you one.

ELLEN And a biscuit?

N1 I’ve got some digestives here.

12

ROS I’d prefer a chocolate one. There are some in Adaire’s drawer.

N1 I’ll get you one.

ROS Two? Each.

N1 Two – but don’t push it!

N2 returns with a wheelchair. With great difficulty and lots of limbs flailing about, the three nurses manage to pick him up and put him in the wheelchair. His head keeps flopping around.

Chris and Bill walk in. Ros and Ellen jump up to block their view as the nurses push Mick into the Nurses’station. Adaire puts a newspaper over Mick’s face.

CHRIS Has anyone seen Mick? We’re supposed to be playing cards this morning.

ROS No. Not a clue. Ellen?

ELLEN Haven’t got a ghost of an idea.

BILL We’ll go and look for him. Let him know if you see him. Cards, okay?

ROS I’ll let him know.

Bill and Chris leave in the lift.

ELLEN I believe we were about to have a cup of tea?

ROS With two chocolate biscuits. Each.

N1 Be a bit patient, ladies. We have a crisis here. Where are we going to put him?

ADAIRE He can’t stay in here. He’s on full view, here.

N2 It’s obvious. We put him in the freezer!

N1 and ADAIRE Good idea!

(They go back into the nurses’ station and start wheeling him out. The lift tings and Chris and Bill walk in again. N1 and N2 stand in front of Mick).

BILL We’ve checked in his room. Mick’s not there.

CHRIS We can’t find him anywhere. We are going to cancel cards. We’ll just sit here and wait until he turns up again.

ELLEN Look! Can you see that? (She points up to the ceiling. Everyone looks. While they are distracted, the three nurses quickly wheel Mick out of the nurses’ station and go behind them to the kitchen.)

ELLEN It’s a ghost! A phantom. A spirit. Oh, dear spirit, tell us who you are.

BILL (in a girly voice) I’m a gin and tonic.

CHRIS (Laughs)

ROS That wasn’t very nice!

CHRIS Good though. Come on Bill, let’s go for a jog, instead. I seem so full of life today. Can’t understand it!

13

BILL Jog away, mate. I’m going to my room. I feel a little queer. Can’t make out what’s wrong with me. I’m having a hot flush! Let Mick know I’m going to have a lie-down.

They both leave. Chris goes out and Bill goes up in the lift to his room.

ELLEN What happened to our cup of tea?

ROS Oh! Don’t mention tea! I’ve got to run to the toilet! (She hobbles with her wheelie-walker to the lift, crossing her legs as the door opens).

ELLEN The liver pills must be working.

There’s a scream from the kitchen and a pan is thrown! The three nurses run out, pushing Mick in the wheelchair.

ADAIRE Well, that didn’t work too well.

N1 Cook was not happy!

N2 To be fair – there’s not a lot of room in that fridge…

ADAIRE Now what do we do?

ELLEN You could put him in my bed. I mean, I’m not using it.

N1 Good idea. Let’s go.

They get as far as the big comfy chair when suddenly Chris jogs in. He is wearing running gear and jogging on the spot. The nurses push Mick behind the chair. Adaire is frantically pushing the lift button.

CHRIS When does it start?

ELLEN When does what start?

CHRIS The race of course. I mean, I’m all ready for the race.

N1 Ah! It’s only practice laps today. The race is next week. You go and do a few practice laps of the garden beds and let us know how many you manage.

CHRIS Righty-ho! (he jogs out)

The lift opens, ting! Ros gets out and the three nurses push Mick into the lift. The doors close. A moment later the lift tings and the nurses hurriedly push Mick back into the kitchen. The lift tings and goes back up to the first floor.

ELLEN I can’t remember the last time it was this exciting.

ROS What about when Riverdance visited and one toppled over and then the whole lot went over like dominoes. We thought it was part of the performance until they couldn’t get up. Clapping like mad – remember?

ELLEN Oh yes. That was funny. I told my cat all about it. I think Mick must have taken her. I couldn’t find her this morning. Just like him to steal my cat!

14

ROS Ellen dear, you don’t have a cat anymore. You have a pink elephant now.

ELLEN Oh yes. He’s sitting on my bed. I’ll go and get him after my cup of tea. Did we ask for a cup of tea?

The Lift tings and Bill comes out, looking sheepish. He is wearing a skirt, a scarf and lipstick. His hair is nicely brushed.

BILL Ellen, I have a confession to make – I hope you’ll forgive me.

ELLEN Is that my skirt?

BILL Yes. Sorry. I don’t know what’s happened. I went into your room, and I suddenly wanted to put on women’s clothes.

ROS And lipstick. And do your hair. Hmmm. It suits you.

BILL I hope I’m not in trouble. I was just about to leave when the nurses opened the door. I must have frightened them – because they all ran away!

ELLEN Oh, that must have been because they had Mick…

Ros kicks her

ELLEN Ow! Had, had, my, my washing with them! That’s right.

A doorbell rings.

ROS Look, someone wants to come in.

As the residents move to stage left to greet the visitors, the three nurses dash to the lift and as it opens, they push Mick in. Lift closes. At the door, the residents greet SUZSI, and PETE, who is dragging a small suitcase.

SUZSI Hello. I was wondering if we could speak to the person in charge? This is my dad, Pete. He’s interested in joining you all.

PETE No I’m not. (aside) They’re all old!

ELLEN I think the nurses are all on the first floor. I’ll go and get them for you. (She gets into the lift)

SUZSI Umm, pleased to meet you. I’m Suzsi (she shakes hands) and this is Pete. Dad! (she indicates that he should shake hands, too).

PETE (grumpily) Hello. I’m Pete.

ROS Welcome Pete. I’m Lady Macbeth.

(When Pete meets Bill, he is a bit unsure of what to do and ends up giving her a peck on the cheek).

PETE And what’s your name, dear lady?

BILL Oh! I’m… I’m Belinda!

PETE Charmed! (he kisses her hand)

The lift opens and the three nurses and Ellen (clutching a pink elephant) walk into the room.

15

ADAIRE Good morning. I am Adaire. I’m the head nurse and administrator of Codgers Cottage. How can I help?

SUZSI I’ve brought my dad in. This is Pete. He’d like to make enquiries about being a resident here.

ADAIRE Oh thank god for that!

Behind her, N1 and N2 are doing the Happy Dance and punching the air.

ADAIRE Well usually we require an appointment – but it just so happens that I have a little time spare right now if you’d like to come this way. (she indicates the nurses station)

Chris jogs in.

CHRIS Three times around the garden and one leap over the rose bushes. Won’t be doing that again! (he pulls at his shorts in discomfort) Bill! What happened to you? Is it Halloween?

BILL No. It’s Belinda. I was Bill all my life so that the firm would promote me and I’d reach the top of my profession. Well, I did and now it’s time to become Belinda again. Hello, I’m Belinda (she shakes hands with everyone).

The lift tings and opens. Mick steps out.

ELLEN (screams) It’s a ghost! Look. I really can see him! It’s a ghost. It’s Mick’s ghost!

CHRIS No. It’s Mick. (touches his arm). Mick, where have you been? We’ve been searching for you everywhere.

MICK (slyly) Welllllll, I don’t want to boast – but I was in Ellen’s bed!

Lots of reactions. Ellen and Ros have a fit of the giggles. Chris and Belinda are congratulating him. The nurses are checking him over to make sure he’s okay.

MICK I feel better today than I’ve felt in years. In fact, I feel like dancing!

Music starts and Mick leads off in ‘The Macarena’. The others join in.

Adaire strides out.

ADAIRE What is going on here? I’m trying to conduct an interview!

MICK We’re doing ‘The Macarena’!

ADAIRE Mick! You’re alive! That’s wonderful! I’m so happy! (she gives him a hug)

MICK Do you want to dance with me?

ADAIRE I do! We won’t have to close, after all!

The music begins and they start dancing.

16

SUZSI Dad, I think you’re right. This is no place to be. They’re all demented – even the staff! Come on, let’s go home! (she grabs the suitcase and heads for the door)

PETE You can go if you like. I’m staying here! (He partners up with Belinda and they begin dancing ‘The Macarena’).

SUZSI Well, if you’re sure? I suppose we’d all better dance!

Suzsi encourages the audience to stand up and dance ‘The Macarena’ until everyone’s had enough. Mick flops down in the comfy chair and everyone takes a bow!