You Were My Abuser

It had always been made clear to me that physical harm in a relationship was never good. Domestic violence was lectured on over and over and resources were made known in various health classes and assemblies. I knew early on never to accept physical abuse from anyone. Even if they called it love. But no one ever mentioned that there were other ways to experience abuse.

You came into my life in a whirlwind of wit and charm. You had me fully under your spell before I could comprehend what had happened. I was conned into feelings I didn't have while your words and actions helped them grow. Your garden of flowers so meticulously groomed and cared for became an entanglement of weeds that threatened to choke the life from me as I struggled against them. How could anyone have known what you had in store for me? How could one little seed have erupted into all of this destruction?

You fooled me for a year. 365 days of happiness that you fooled me into believing was real. Like a child at Disney World, I believed all the magic. Never once questioning the motive behind your loving gestures. Never once noticing the paint was starting to chip. Never once seeing that your mask was starting to slip. This was happiness. This was love.

This was all a lie. Your loving gestures became prizes you held over my head. Did I dress how you wanted today? Was I sitting how you approved? Did I keep quiet and do as you said? I would play these rigged games hoping to win your affection. Keeping a list of all the features and behaviors you told me were flaws. If I missed one detail or failed to read your mind about what new wrongdoing I had committed, I was doomed.

Panic and anxiety became my main two states of being. I wanted to be good enough for you and the future you dangled in front of me. Spinning tales of a future full of love and happiness, just the two of us off in a Scottish home. Leaving the world behind. Yet every time I got too comfortable, or maybe just because you got bored, you would take a sledgehammer to it all and send me into a tailspin scrambling to pick up all the pieces and put us back together again before you realized I wasn't worth the energy. You drilled into my head that I was lucky you loved me. That no one else ever could. Why did I keep messing up? Didn't I want us to be happy? Didn't I want to be loved?

Every little thing I did was wrong. Even basic communication became a base for you to threaten self harm and tell me I was selfish. I resigned to being exactly what you wanted. Simply a toy with no emotions or thoughts of my own. Somehow, things got better. Losing myself brought us closer together. The timing for your future plans was drawing nearer. Only another summer before we could live how you'd promised. We'd be happy, you said. I was happy, I thought. You promised. You promised. You lied.

Looking back, I am glad you went abroad while I stayed home. I am glad you cheated and made it obvious to me. I am glad that without you here to poison me, I was able to see through your manipulation and stand my ground. I am glad you left me while you were still halfway across the world. I am glad you gave me my freedom.

I used to feel this hurt inside when I heard your name. When you tried to contact me. When you tried to keep me as backup for when you were lonely. A deep ache in my bones that brought me to my knees. I barely survived fighting against myself and the emptiness you left behind. It slowly turned to rage as I realized that I was not the enemy. As all your manipulation and lies started to unravel, your weeds no longer growing and choking me but wilting and dying away in the sun. I found the light you took away from me. The light I barely had a chance to know.

It's been thirteen years since we began our story. It's been nine years since I last saw the fear in your face as you realized I was no longer weak. It's been four months since you last tried to contact me. You are still fading, though traces of your poison still remain. I am taking back my power, little by little. Replacing the pieces of me that you took away before I even knew what they were. And though I mourn the girl I never got to know, I am rebuilding myself stronger than I ever would have been. I take shit from no one. And that is the only thing I can thank you for.