You stole away my shine

Being with you was a beautiful rollercoaster. I loved what we had in common. That you were weird. Just as weird as I was. How much you talked. The things you said. The excitement you brought out.

You were so verbal about how interested you were. I listened to you talk about your ex and how terrible she was to you. I told you the differences in us, and what I believed a partner should behave. You liked the attention. You liked that I was caring and that I behaved in a manner to boost your ego. But you never liked me.

Things took a turn. You became so negative. Always stressed out about everything. Worrying about everything. Including things that didn't need to be worried about. You had negative comments and opinions about so many things. Including your own sister and your friends. I guess I should have seen it as a sign. But rather than seeing it as a negative view on you, I just viewed it as you having standards. But then the negativity started to outweight the standards. You had no empathy for others. No compassion. No humanity. And soon I found that you couldn't even have empathy or compassion for me. And you supposedly loved me.

You talked trash about the girl you slept with prior to meeting me, and said you didn't even want to be friends with her anymore when she almost destroyed our relationship. But yet now that we're broken up, you're back to sleeping with her and being friends with her. Because you're too insecure to be the person you claimed to be. You need the attention she gives you in order to feel good about yourself because you can't handle rejection.

When we first started our relationship, you had a trouble remaining erect. You said it was due to nerves and having stronger feelings than you thought you did. Then after we broke up, you tell me that you're demisexual and that those problems were caused by not having a deep enough connection.

You lied so much throughout our entire relationship. Yet I'm the bad guy because I vented about how terrible you made me feel. You told me you didn't want to go on any trips or go camping this summer or spend money on an AirBnB for my birthday, but yet when we broke up you told me if I wanted to have sex with other men that you would pay for a hotel if I told you about the experience or let you watch or join.

You treated me like a piece of meat left for the pickings. Before you I was confident, strong, independent, and proud of who I am. You couldn't even celebrate my achievements and all you did was put me down. All you cared about was how I made you feel as opposed to who I was. Because I treated you the way someone should be treated. I treated you the way I should be treated.

And the worst part is, other people tell me that I should've seen the signs. But when someone tells you they love you and they're talking about marriage and babies, you'd think they're honest. But now I know the truth.

My shine is gone. My ability to have sex is gone. My pride is gone. I feel used. I feel cheap. I feel worthless and terrible about myself. And yet, it's all my fault. My fault for trusting you. My fault for believing you. My fault for staying with you. And my fault for loving you.