You Must Comply!

“If you love your mother, you’ll keep your location on!” My mother can be quite demanding, no matter my age. The message was sent to me at the age of 31. Being that age and living an independent life for about 10 years, I was done with being controlled. I simply said, “I love you, but I’m turning off my location.” Best decision I made besides getting LASIK. There was drama afterward, but eventually the boundaries were respected, and my life is much more peaceful.

Ask my mother, and she will claim that I was rude and disrespectful. I know because my sister told me. Ask me, and I’ll tell you I’m 30 and I don’t need a curfew at a home where I live alone and pay my own bills. Creating my boundaries appeared to be seen as disrespectful. I’ve noticed this in others.

Vera has an aunt, Mara, who was seen as cruel towards her mother, Grace. Anytime Grace saw her sister, Mara, in public, she would approach her. Mara would immediately react with disgust and act as though Grace were a stranger to her. This happened repeatedly, and Grace’s family was aware of it. One day, Mara is getting married and asks Grace to plan her wedding, even though she treated her like she didn’t know her a week ago. It seemed that Mara was only kind to Grace when she needed something for free. Grace agrees immediately, and her daughters are against it. Vera and her sisters, Elda and Raven, were at the mall and happened to run into Mara. She appeared happy to see her nieces, and they were happy to see her, except for Vera. She made a point to make sure her aunt knew she was ignoring her. When Elda, being the eldest, tried to get Vera to acknowledge Mara, Vera simply said, “Oh, I don’t like her.”

Later that day, Grace asked Vera to smile more at Mara because her sister had told her she didn’t think she liked her. Vera informed her mother that Mara was right to assume she didn’t like her because she told her. Grace was upset by this, and when demanding that Vera be kind, she resisted. She sent her husband, Ethan, to straighten her out. Ethan advised Vera that sometimes you must tolerate people, and this time she needed to tolerate Mara just like he does. He told her that she wasn’t doing it for Mara; she was doing it to make her mother happy. Vera, being a teen under their roof, complied. Mara’s previous actions stay unaccounted for, and Vera is seen as the bad guy.

Grace also had a brother, Vex, and when he didn’t have his way, he would act arrogantly toward Grace. One Christmas, after not speaking for several years, Vex called her while intoxicated just to yell profanities at her. A couple of years later, Vex fell ill and ended up in the hospital. Once Grace found out, she went to his side to care for him, and they reconciled. She then forced the rest of the family to welcome him with open arms. All complied except Vera. Grace tearfully asked Vera to pretend that the past didn’t happen. Vera, now an adult, agreed but took it a step further. She acted as though he didn’t exist at all. Vex took notice and forced a conversation with a cheery expression, asking Vera if she remembered him. Vera simply said, “I know exactly who you are,” and walked away.

Something changed; now, Grace was claiming that Vera was being cruel. Her mother's sorrow disappeared, and she was now enraged with Vera’s resistance. Again, Grace sent Ethan to straighten her out. Vera claimed that her father raised her not to be a fake person. She stated that she simply pretended he didn’t exist to keep her from being “disrespectful to her elders,” and she refuses to be fake to make Vex comfortable. Eventually, Vera agreed to greet him only. In her own words, she said, “I will say hello, but I will not say goodbye. I refuse to say more than one word to him.” Ethan did not find Vera humorous.

Vera once had a boyfriend named Sham. The relationship appeared unstable, with infidelity and hostility. It was tit for tat with them. Sham had stepped out multiple times, and when Vera was finally done, she cheated and made it obvious. When asked if it would happen again, she said yes, at any chance she got, because she was done. Sham did not accept this and claimed that she was cold-hearted. He appeared angry at how she didn’t regret her actions. This was the opposite of what he would do when he was caught cheating. When Sham saw that aggression wasn’t working on Vera, he turned to vulnerability. Sham began exhibiting odd behavior that appeared as if he would end his life. The relationship didn’t last much longer, but this odd behavior seemed to keep Vera from leaving sooner.

Vera had a friend, Davina, who went through something similar. There wasn’t infidelity, but there were other issues that she refused to put up with. Davina ended her engagement and moved out. On several occasions, her ex-fiancé would behave as if it were his last day. It appeared to be the only way he could get her to show him compassion. Vera suggested that the next time he made these claims, she should have the cops do a wellness check on him. Sure enough, there was another incident, and Davina took Vera’s advice. That was the last time Vera heard Davina claim that she was worried about his life. As of today, he is alive and well.

Each time Vera refuses to participate, she is labeled cold and disobedient, while everyone forgets what caused this behavior in the first place. The same with Davina; if she hadn’t sent for a wellness check, who knows how long this behavior would have gone on for. My mother might disagree, but love does not require compliance.