You Are Not a Conquest

The symptoms of toxic masculinity are pervasive in our culture. In typical modern-day fashion, the content we consume reflects the same anachronistic thinking we condone in our daily lives. But this discussion is not just a frill; it has real-life consequences.

Art Imitates Life

On the drama television series The Morning Show, Mitch Kessler (played by Steve Carell), a longtime news anchor, finds himself without a job after he is accused of sexual misconduct. But he never really seems to accept his culpability, insisting that he is a victim of overzealous "boy cried wolf" feminist hysteria reminiscent of the Salem witch trials.

While trying to exonerate himself and take down a top news executive, he reaches out to a former colleague of his, Hannah Shoenfeld (played by Gugu Mbatha-Raw). Even while asking her for help, his tune remains unchanged. He maintains his innocence and tells Hannah that she should have known what would transpire.

In his twisted reality, he has the nerve to chastise her, emoting, "You're a smart woman, aren't you?… A smart woman doesn't think, 'Oh, he's invited me up to his hotel room because he wants a new best friend.'"

Although the plot is fictional, the real-world resonance made me feel deeply relieved when Alex Levy (Jennifer Aniston), Kessler's co-host for 15 years, and Bradley Jackson (Reese Witherspoon), Kessler's replacement, revealed the culture for what it was - complicit and cowardly.

The trappings of toxic masculinity are even made apparent on episodes of comedy series like the new CBS sitcom, The United States of Al, in which Riley chides his ex-wife for believing that a man would be content with being her friend. Comedian Akaash Singh has a standup bit in which he advises men that forming friendships with females is akin to performing community service.

The implication is always the same. A woman should know better than to presume that a man would spend time with her simply to enjoy her company. Women are supposed to assume that they will only be viewed as conquests. What kind of ridiculous, sexist message is that?

Fiction Becomes Reality

In college, I struggled extensively with iron-deficiency anemia which would cause episodes of near-fainting. On one particular occasion, I was fighting to stay conscious during a biochemistry final exam.

I ended up dragging myself up the stairs of the auditorium and sitting on a bench outside, gasping for air. Since I didn't have any family that lived nearby, I called a classmate of mine during his free period.

I was 20. He was 40. I trusted him and thought of him as the older brother I never had. That made the betrayal even more painful.

When I reached out to a female classmate for support and told her what had happened, she told me that I was asking for it. Did I honestly expect that anything different would've happened?

I never dressed provocatively, attended parties, drank alcohol, or frequented bars, but even if I had, engaging in those behaviors is not an invitation for harassment.

For a time after the incident, I avoided his phone calls and texts. When I finally decided to confront him, he said he didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable but also told me that I should not have allowed him to stay.

There it was again. The insinuation that I was somehow responsible for his behavior. That I permitted him to act the way he did. That I had enabled him.

He said he didn't try going further in case I thought he was taking advantage of my situation. Having being preoccupied with my deteriorating health that day, I couldn't help but think that being sick was what had put me in a vulnerable position in the first place.

That was my first time experiencing sexual harassment, but it wouldn't be the last. The most egregious offense of abuse occurred in a healthcare facility, once again driving the point home in my mind that being sick was akin to being treated like a criminal.

Be Inconvenient

I have mixed feelings around the word victim. On the one hand, it connotes a sense of disempowerment. On the other hand, it acknowledges that one's autonomy and consent were violated.

Sometimes, I wonder how much suffering we'd save ourselves from if we weren't so petrified of coming across as rude, petulant, or inconvenient, as Halsey might say. If we weren't so fearful of the consequences of standing up for ourselves. If we valued our own lives as much as those of others.

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe, you don't owe anyone else anything. You don't owe politeness, you don't owe civility, you don't owe any kind of interaction or response. Your only duty is that of your own safety and protection.

Most of us will experience marginalization at some point in our lives. Don't ever be afraid of insulting or inconveniencing someone in order to protect yourself and preserve your well-being. It just might be the most important decision you make.