Worth the Weight

Loving someone is different than being loved. I make exceptions for the people I love and I push away when someone shows me love. For the first time in the history of my life- I am in a space where I care for someone who cares for me, though the language is sometimes blurred I want to believe that we both are in the same space. The anxiety of loving someone new, the idea of truly being brave and baring your literal naked body to someone who could be instantly sat in regret, the constant back and forth of am I thinking about thinking about this person too much. Have I even slightly crossed their mind and if so what was it like. Then the instrumental kicks in and the answers feel like they're making sense. The beat takes over and your heart dances and slowly you scream, you don’t care and you keep screaming...then suddenly you pull back as though the secret was not spoken and does not exist.

Wondering how to confess this to yourself. Failing to recall the dream to be the love like your parents had. You sit back in a silent space, and the demons are the angels from the songwriters creeping into your mind telling you how to feel. You didn’t curate this playlist, you just listen to the same songs about love and you just hoped that one day you could feel that way. This is it , you’re sitting in reality and you swoon...oh mer gawd.

There are many reasons not to love me so my half baked non medicated mind says and then the kisses come followed by the touch and the sweet notions of someone actually trying to love me is broken wide open.

Shed some light on me- My friend’s song hits so heavy. Then I am distracted by work. Then again I hear crying from the smallest being...I am back online- but I haven’t received a reply and I know it will come but…

I don’t even feel normal. I don’t hate this feeling at all but I don’t understand it. either

Sometimes my power backfires- Sometimes I self sabotage. I don't feel like enough even though I do more than a lot of people I adore

I let my guard down- he let him down too. We are in sync- his honesty is masked. I am excited about this love story. I am happy it has happened to me.

When you convince yourself that no one can love you- and then it happens it's like a hug from the sun and a kiss.

The doubt in my mind that he will be happy with me- sits on my chest like a baby elephant. It's cute but unbearable. We are back and forth in our love-I know I love him. His parents are my sanctuary. They’ve made me one of theirs

The missing piece is nothing- I’m just scared to be in the same place I have always been in. He feels different, he feels right...this feels right but I have never had right...so I proceed with caution.

What is sleep without a sweet face to wake up to. We said no titles and yet I find myself intimidated by his love. My wings are so big and yeah the wind is so strong- there are so many whispers in the leaves. Yet our kiss has not stopped sparking. Steady.

Day 3 and all I want to do is love him more. He tames me in such beautiful ways.

End of day 7: We don’t hate each other. There is still affection and there is hope and I realized that has been most of my free life- hope that I will make it till tomorrow and hope that I will see another day hope that I will wake up better than other days. I actually haven’t felt my physical best and I have negated the love I have for me but then I really feel centered in my love! Days of doubt are of course but more euphoria these moments.

I leave soon and the universe gave me a goodbye that I have already planned.

Well to catch you up- love is a complicated stupid awesome hard and thing. I can’t imagine how I came this far. I am so overwhelmed that the fairytales I thought never possible came true. The doubt lingers- but I can’t live my life on doubt. My friend said something truly magical to me today and she articulated the anxiety I have. I knew in my heart this wasn’t the right place. I wanted it so bad. I needed something different. I needed something drastic. All I needed was to change my perspective. I needed to be brave and see my potential. I needed to be away from love...

Time sometimes stops when I am watching TV, the cost of a fairytale. The cost of magic. The cost of tears, the cost of endless doubt, the cost of being alone in a foreign place. We seek friends that aren’t real life, we pray for love that only can be written, and we believe that our truth is the only truth.

I want love so bad. I want my family so bad. I want friends so bad. I want to be comfortable so bad. The sadness that comes from the want has created this hole- I am so alone in this world. We all have this choice to live or die and every once in a while mine creeps up on me. It just sucks me up whole. The unanswered questions, the notes, the empty shapes of regret.

I dance in my head and my heart can stand still. Before I left I felt pretty good about who I was and what kind of person I was. Now I realize I let people put me in situations that are never for me- it’s for them. Panic attacks feel like the devil is sitting on your chest because it’s easier than just burning your body. The pressure deflates and the rage swims away only for a moment because you see the world in a splendid beauty. But the world is full of crooks- full of manipulators and fake doctors.

My crazy is logical survival, the logical I am and have been dealing with is deep and rooted hatred.

How do you know you love someone? All the books, fairy tales, podcasts, therapist, and so on seem to have it figured out.

We talked yesterday- and my heart after everything was soothed. I am calm. He is love. In my heart it's the most different love I have ever felt. It’s like Pistachio, crema, and chocolate gelato served by a picture book prince, with kind eyes and a chef’s coat. It’s like having your pin to your debit card locked in another country and they won’t send you another pin because you changed your address so you can’t get cash- but you instead figure out a quick and efficient way to get cash..it cost you and are and a leg- but you finish what you started all with 24% battery life left. It's like unpacking a suitcase that is being shipped back to the states in 4 weeks and taking everything out and thinning out what you can...It's like when he says I miss you and I love you. It's like that.

I’ve now written a large amount of songs that I am going to share with you as poems. This is post-being insulted, being humiliated, being talked about, being isolated, being tricked, being trapped, being berated, being lost, being in love, being cared for, being treated with dignity, being brave, being a woman, being sober (mostly- I can count on one hand), being exhausted. I know you get it but this is my way of telling my story the best way I know how. It's not my job to convince people I am a good person, it's just my job to be a good person.

The burden of being a person who feels so much and cancels it out with doubt and crippling despair is a horrible war.