Wife of a 3 time felon

Growing up as children we see movies that put an image in our heads of what love is. We see princes rescuing a damsel in distress and sweeping her off of her feet then they run off into happily ever after. But as you grow older and your exposed to more of the worlds reality, you see that indeed most of what you’ve seen was a fairytale. In today’s world, loving someone with no infidelity or lies or lack of communication seems like a far away reach. But we were all brought up in such different environments, so this will most likely not apply to everyone. While some women will grow up and marry a childhood friend, or a police officer, maybe a lawyer or school teacher... I found attraction and love in a man most people would label a criminal. My entire life I was growing up in an environment that was surrounded by the gang life, guns and drugs, alcohol, sex. Parties and getting into fights was just another day in my world, this was a normal thing. I was covered in tattoos, my arms, my face and my hands before the age of 20. And as I got older I began to see how others who were different from me, from us.... would look at us or what they would think. And this was the beginning of a new life for me. I told myself, even bough his is all you know you can still do great things and still remember where you car from. I went to school to become a dental assistant. Even with people telling me no one in their right mind would hire a female full of tattoos, but thy were wrong. The appearance of my body did not change th person I was inside. Th professionalism and people skills that I had. And I got a job and have been here for many years. All I was missing was a good man.

When searching for love, many may have found that in the school teachers and the lawyers and the police officers, but not me. I’ve always been attracted to one type of man. A trouble maker, a gangster, a criminal as many will label them. Here is a look into my life, my relationship with a three time felon. The bad, the great and the getting used to.

I know what your thinking. Your reading this probably rolling your eyes thinkin we don’t even know what hood is or real violence ,or maybe not. Maybe your actually interested in where I’m going with this. Let’s begin. I met my husband about four years ago. I went out in another town and we both were introduced to one another. Immediately I noticed that he had the respect of every other male present. People were talking about him like he was the man like the jefe (boss). The “OG” is what we would call it. And I loved that shit. It was so sexy to me. I hadn’t been around this area to much. I came from a smaller town about 20 minutes away. But one thing we all had in common was that we were all from the North side of our cities. And so to me, he was perfect. I did not know his background. I didn’t know that he had a criminal record but would that have changed my interest? Absolutely not. Why? Because to me this was normal. I’ve seen my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandfathers shit practically everyone in my fam get sentenced to years in prison. A couple to life. Most people don’t find that attractive but I guess it kind of all depends on what your used to being around.

Over the course of a few weeks, I began opening up to this man and he did the same. This is where we learned for ourselves who one another really was. He learned that I was an alpha female who took no shit from anyone. Even though I grew up the way I did though, I made a goal to finish school and to live a straight life. I was still a down ass female but I now learned as an adult that the world is a crazy place and your lifes outcome is what you make it. I was determined to be successful. I landed a good job as a dental assistant after completing school. He learned I was very independent. I was strong minded and built with tough love. My mother died in a car accident when was 19, my and sis were 2 and 3 and Popz was also 19. So we were raised by a man. Therefore we thought and sometimes acted like one. I also very smart and had no time for games or bullshit. He learned this quickly. Then there was him... also an alpha. Very outspoken and so funny. At first kind of quiet but not after he was comfortable. We weren’t intimate for the first three months of our relationship. Which was great. I feel like some men expect that from you. But even with sexual tension that was so intense, he never crossed that boundary. He never even asked about it or pressured me into it. And for hat I’ll always have respect for him. We finally had conversations about our past and this is when I learned about the man I love. He had just been released from prison about 6 months prior to meeting me. When he first started telling me about it, in my mind I thought maybe he did a year or so for theft or something small. But as he continued, he explained that this was the first time he had been free in 10 years. He was 18 years old when he was convicted and 28 years old when he was released into a 7 month sentence to the halfway house. I tried not to press for details because I knew that he would tell me when he was ready to. And I was ok with that. Then, one night he and I were at his mothers house and all of a sudden an episode of Police women of Maricopa county came on. Now here I am so excited to watch the show with the woman who has hot pink cuffs. His mother had seen this episode before and jumped up surprised and unsure of whether or not it was the actual episode. She started to tell us that this was it, this was the one with her son on it. And sure enough, it was. After my husband had been involved in a shooting, four months later the vehicle he was a passenger in got lit up. (Pulled over). You know how these shows work, they will record the footage and then bring the offficers in to basically explain the clips that the viewers are seeing. A deputy was explaining to the viewers that she had pulled over a vehicle with two males inside and the driver (not my husband) had an open container. She then stated that the young male passenger had given her false information. After another deputy arrived and spoke to my husband, he walked up to the female and stated that he finally found his identification card. Then he said “this guy is wanted for murder”. The female deputy looked stunned and goes back to her car and runs his info a second time and told the camera man “yep, he is wanted for murder in the state of Colorado”. She then goes up to my husband and says “now I see why you kept giving me false info, do you have anything to say for yourself?”. My husband looked into the camera and said “there’s nothing to fuckin say, he’s dead”. I could see the disappointment in his eyes and he knew then that the chase was over. The deputy proceeded to say during the interview “it’s not every day that you catch one of Colorado’s most wanted for murder” but she didn’t know him. She didn’t know the whole story. She immediately labeled him as a criminal. A suspect rather than a victim. And to many of you, it may be the same. He told me in detail about it that night. How he had shot two males which is how he landed in prison for ten years straight. How his charges were dropped down to third degree assault because both males in fact did not die. He said it with his head held high. Not with pride but with honesty. He was looking me in my eyes telling me the truth. My feelings for him didn’t fade because I now knew this man in ways that others did not. He was a good person who had learned his lesson. He was someone who lost the most exciting years of his life due to a choice made as an adolescent. And he knew that. He knew that the cards dealt to him were because of what he had done and he did his time like a man. He never let his past stop him from embracing his freedom and being a functioning citizen.

We were together every day and most nights. And we loved it. We began being intimate and this pulled us closer to one another. But just like any relationship, true colors come out in certain situations. The honeymoon phase quickly fadeds away and little things about your partner become huge things that you cannot seem to let go. You begin having arguments about shit that is so petty to one but so serious to the other. This is where it got tough. Months had passed and we decided to look for a place. We hit our first big boulder. At this point he was released from the halfway house and had completed the sentence successfully with no new charges or violations. He had a full time job and functioned in this world like any other human being. But due to his background, red flags were immediately up. It didn’t matter to renters or landlords or job owners that he had been an outstanding, hard worker and that he didn’t have any new charges. Once they saw “felon” on his background they closed the book. So finding a place was close to impossible for us. For me, this was stressful because I had never had this problem, but I was no longer living for just me. He was my partner and we loved each other. So I knew we had to keep looking. Same thing with employment. Unless it’s someone you know who can get you in, most companies will not hire a felon. I just kept hurting for him because he would always be hudged and he would always struggle with finding someone who would give him a chance.... give us a chance. Finally, we were able to get lucky and found a place. He had the same job throughout the relationship so everything seemed to be falling in place. We moved in together and our official adventure began.

When you love one another, loving together is the ultimate test of the relationship. There are officially no nights alone, no space and no privacy. You now have to take a shit in the same bathroom and somehow every time you finish your man has to go right after and in your mind your dying with embarrassment. This is where everything is laid out on the table. Their bad habits, their cute habits, there annoying habits and their personal care. Their cleanliness and their routine.

The thing we struggled with the most was how different we expressed our emotions. I had been in previous relationships that were physically and mentally abusive, I had been married and cheated on which of course led to my first divorce. I had been through a lot. So in a way I was molded into a mindset that everyone was untrustworthy. I felt as though I had to constantly watch my back. My husband, had a few relationships prior to me, but nothing serious. He spent ten years in prison so relationships are pretty much non existent. So here I am having all of these feelings, insecurities. But this man did not see or understand them. Nothing and I mean NOTHING got under his skin the way it did mine. To him, I was a crazy woman who just wanted to fight. He didn’t see that I was crazy because I wanted his love and attention. He didn’t know that the little things count. I didn’t stop to think about the fact that he had really never been in a serious relationship. He had never had to deal with a needy woman who was emotionally unstable. He had never had to deal with an outspoken female who didn’t put up with anything she didn’t want to. And this caused tension. I couldn’t figure out why this man didn’t know how important birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or any other big day was to a woman. Or at least to this woman. And I couldn’t see past that. Until finally one day I thought to myself, what if he just doesn’t know how? It was at that point that I realized that just because he was now free, didn’t mean that being locked in a prison for 10 years with only one hour out a day could continue to effect someone. I mean, everything we shared was absolutely new to him. He was learning for the first time how it all worked. Because He had never been through that before and I had been through it to many times to count. I had to change my mindset and outlook on his actions or else my constant nagging and shit talking would push the man I love away. And that is not what I wanted to do. Because even though he didn’t show his emotions, I knew that he struggled with adapting to his life on the outside and in his relationship. I know it bothered him to see how many times he tried to apply for work or housing and read “no felons accepted”. And I knew he was waiting for me to give up on him because of what came with loving ask with his past. But I wasn’t and I still won’t. One night I asked him about prison. I asked him how he survived through it. He was never dishonest with me. And a few men he was locked up with had gotten out and would constantly tell me horror stories about my husband fighting. It broke my heart. He told me “you either check in when you arrive to prison or you gang bang. That’s how you get through ten years surrounded my murders, theives and more. In prison there are men who will kill you with no worry because they are already serving life. So you have t hold your own.” I had a knot in my stomach hearing some details. But still, no matter how hard it may have been on some days, I am proud of the man he has become since being free. I am proud of his maturity and growth. And his determination to provide for us. There are a lot of things I wish he was as far as being emotional and sensitive and romantic. But sometimes not everyone knows how to do that. Does this mean we leave good men and women because they take time to see what a relationship needs? Because they lack the simple things that you have mastered? For me, my answer is no. Why? Because if his one flaw is that he doesn’t go out of his way to surprise me for a special day or that he doesn’t know how to comfort me when I’m upset then I can work with him. Because he is loyal, he is honest and he is my best friend.

Relationships are not always easy for some people. Whether it be drugs, abuse, being a single parent or being in a prison for most of your life. Whether your in love with someone who is emotionally checked out or someone constantly working, or someone who you have forgiven their infeidelity but still hold on to it deep inside and can’t let it out. We are all human and sometimes people take more time to grow then others. Some can stick by you, and some refuse. Some just can’t do it. And some people just don’t know how. My life with my husband had been many things. We’ve had ups, downs, but our life is overall great. The bad? Not being given the opportunity to grow as a couple as far as buying a home or being approved for a mortgage loan or even for a rental. The getting used to? The difference in one another’s minds, the reality of how a felon cannot do what I can. He can’t vote, he can’t apply for certain jobs and he can’t get the stereotype given to him due to his criminal record and his past off of anyone’s mind. We have come to an understanding that life might just be a bit harder for us then normal. We may have to settle for what we can do now and what we have now and only hope that one day we can have what don’t. We have to get used to people asking him to explain his charges or explain his reasons for doing what he did. It’s sad because the world is a crazy place with people who do unthinkable things that make my husbands charges look like nothing. Yet so many of us are looked down upon. Many may see him as a criminal with a violent past. When he is away from me I fear for him. I fear that for any reason if law enforcement is involved whether it be a traffic stop or anything at all, they will see his record and assume he is armed or a threat. But if you really looked at him, spoke to him and got to know him, you would see him for who he really is. A gentle giant, a protector, a responsible and hard worker, a provider and a law abiding citizen who made one choice that will follow him for he rest of his life. He is my strength, and I will continue walking by his side through his journey of learning how to live all over again. Through his day to day experiences good and bad. Times are sometimes hard and people make mistakes, but the key is patience. Being patient and kind and calm about any situation will get you through the bad times a little easier. And I know that someday my husband will not be just another “criminal” to other people. He will make a difference in lives just as he did in mine. Not all criminals are always going to continue to make bad decisions. Not all of them are dangerous people or “monsters”. His mistakes do not make him who he is, I will always be an advocate for him and others like him.... And I will always be a proud wife of a three time felon. Thanks for reading and I hope this has touched those of you in my situation and even those who are not.

-The wife of a 3 time felon