Why "nice" is irrelevant

(Trigger warning: sexual assault)

Petra's out with friends. Sarah spots her work friend Tom who's out with his mates. Suddenly Petra's friends and his friends are all hanging out. For at least an hour Frank's been questioning Petra about her interests and experiences. He's been polite, he insisted on buying her a drink, he apologised for being forward before telling her she's so attractive. As he gets more drunk he reveals that he's damaged from a crazy ex who broke up with him, but that he's over her now. Whenever she states her opinion he says something to the effect of "Yeah, you're so right". As everyone starts to get tired and go home, and Frank inevitably asks her if she wants to stay with him, a knot in her chest warns her to decline.

Being nice or even respectful is not currency for purchasing a chance with a woman. There are so many reasons why the classic "nice guy" doesn't get the girl, or why he shouldn't. There's been a prevalent narrative for years that nice guys are so hard done by, and that women only ever go for jerks, much to their own detriment. Well, it's a bit more complex than that.

Firstly, Petra has every right to say no without any explanation. No person should ever feel obliged to give someone a chance just because they've been nice to them. At some point during an interaction, it becomes obvious that the guy's being friendly and flirtatious with an agenda. They're being so agreeable, they laugh at everything you say, they find opportunities to compliment you about things they don't know you well enough to ascertain. You're talking to this guy, but you're not getting to know him, you're getting to know a character he thinks "women" like. A persona. You have very little ability to determine character from this interaction. It's perfectly reasonable for Petra to not be interested in, or trust a man who's clearly been putting on an act in order to attract her.

The idea that women should give "nice guys" a chance also ignores the incredibly complex phenomenon of attraction. On the surface level, we are all, to varying degrees, influenced by physical attraction. People have very little control over who they find physically attractive, and it's not anyone's right to demand that someone "try" and find you attractive. On a deeper level, there has been so much research done into why we are attracted to specific personality types. We've heard countless versions of the story of the woman who left her abusive, alcoholic husband, only to end up marrying another abusive alcoholic. Attraction and infatuation seem so far out of our control. Petra is not attracted to Frank, even though she knows he's considered charming and handsome. He's simply not her type. And yet she can hear a voice telling her that maybe she should give him a go anyway, despite her lack of interest.

It's so important for men in the dating world to remember that women, trans and gender nonconforming people live with a degree of ongoing fear. According to the 2016 Australian Bureau of Statistics, nearly 1.6 million women in Australia had experienced sexual assault since the age of 15. During 2018-2019, 97% of the police recorded sexual assault offenders were male. Women, trans and gender nonconforming people have a very good reason for being cautious when meeting new people. Those who have been victim to sexual assault are especially likely to value trustworthy character over a charming and agreeable exterior. In fact, a charming facade coupled with the agenda to woo could make someone very uncomfortable. Giving all men the benefit of the doubt until he proves you wrong would be so reckless. It shouldn't be the job of women, trans and gender nonconforming people to give men a chance, it should be the job of men to create a safer environment for everyone.

The Australian Bureau of Statistics was also able to determine that 77% of recorded sexual assaults in Australia (excluding Western Australia) were perpetrated by someone known to the victim. Women, trans and gender nonconforming people, please never feel bad for being slow to trust a man, it is statistically important that you practice caution. Men, please do not pressure acquaintances into vulnerable situations, they have no reason to believe you won't assault them. It's not a personal insult, it's self-preservation.

Another one of Frank's warning signs is the "crazy ex-girlfriend". A so often convenient explanation as to why a relationship ended that takes no responsibility. Of course women can be the reason a relationship does not work, and of course women can be manipulative and abusive. But the psycho-ex narrative is too common to be accurate, and it does not allow for introspection and growth post-breakup. Mentioning your ex on a first date does not have to be a warning sign. In fact, the way someone describes their ex can be hugely indicative of their character. I've always considered it to be a mature trait for someone to be able to describe an ex with respect and minimal animosity. It can reveal whether an individual can respect a woman who does not want to be with them romantically or sexually. Otherwise, this person may only see women as a way to sate needs, rather than a human being with qualities that could enrich their life platonically.

So how should men go about picking up? The answer is don't. Don't go out with the express purpose of finding someone to take home. Stop seeing every woman as a potential target. Start seeing women as a unique individuals, about whom you know nothing. Make it your goal to get to know someone before you decide you're interested romantically. And go home with a woman only if she clearly indicates that she wants to. Verbally. It's not unattractive to ask for consent, it's relieving. I could right another essay on consent, but all I'll say now is that "This is okay, right?" is not how to ask for consent.

I feel like I should clarify now that this isn't a argumentative essay for all men to trade their nice personas for rude ones. Jerks get rejected too. What this is is an explanation as to why nice doesn't make you more deserving of women. The guy who calls Petra a wanker for liking Orson Welles, but then pays for her cab home when she gets too drunk is a better person than the guy to gets mad when she doesn't want to go home with him, even though he was nice to her. Nice is not synonymous with good. That is the takeaway.

In the case of Frank and Petra, Frank believes he's done everything right. He was funny, respectful and generous. There's no reason for Petra to say no to him, unless she wasn't going to say yes to anyone tonight. He's not impressed when she declines with a short, "Thanks, but I'm wrecked, I'm gonna go home." In fact, he's angry. He spent the latter portion of the night spending his money on her and being absolutely enjoyable when he could have been with anyone else in that bar. Petra sees his change in mood and knows she's made the right decision. The thing is, she has an ex too. He was nice. They only dated for a few months until Petra realised she wasn't going to develop strong feelings for him. When she told him as much, he got angry too. He told her that she didn't deserve the last few months of his efforts. He reminded her of times he was nice to her, and that she was throwing it in his face. He accused her of not trying hard enough, and just giving up. He got so angry at one point that he pushed her against a wall. She's now the crazy ex-girlfriend in his narrative.

No one should feel obliged to give someone a chance, simply because they are nice.