Why I Stopped "Communicating"
Sometimes finding yourself means losing yourself (at least who you thought you are).
Do you know that person that just never answers their phone? Replies to text messages after a whole century? Says they will call you back and you know that's a lie? Or that friend that promises to hit you up so that you can make plans and you are still waiting for her/him to do so....? Yeah, that friend.... that friend is me.Now, before you start wondering why I am proudly exposing my flaws, let me first take you through the days when I was basically perfect, so that maybe when you are done reading this and you decide to hate me, you will have to make that decision based on both sides of the story and not just one.Once upon a time, my life revolved around my friends, it relied on the number of people in my life and I loved it. I loved meeting new people, the journey of finding out who one is, I enjoyed spending hours on the phone, laughing or you know? Doing a healthy amount of gossiping. I made sure I never missed a birthday, maintain the relationship and all the stuff that a "great friend" does including avoiding awkward conversations that would lead to confrontation, including taking the blame for things I haven't done, including going out for them even if I didn't want to and hey... a lot more things that no one forced me to do per se... but that's what a good friend does, no?
Not to mention all the communities I was involved in! From church friends, club friends(yes, I did/do both), classmates, my fellow artists, my neighbors, and many more that made me meet at least one new person every day. It was exciting, truly fascinating to have so many people in your life until it hits you one day.... and you just can't do it anymore.... You start coming up with excuses not to meet up, you start avoiding certain places because you know the whole circle is going to be there, you start avoiding certain phone calls that you know are going to last forever, you stop responding to texts but then you feel terrible because you are worried about their feelings... but then you realize despite your worry... you just do not have it in you to respond... you just don't have anything left to give because you gave and gave and gave while nothing was being received.... yes honey, you are drained.
But how do you explain that to 1000 people that aren't even asking what is actually going on? My favorite line in my mother tongue is, "Ko wanyanze?" which literally means, "Why do you hate me?" which also means, "Why don't you text me even if I don't text you," which also means "Why don't you call me even if I don't call you," which also means, "I don't want to know what is actually going on, but I want to know why you've been M.I.A," and hey, let me not be too much, sometimes it also means "Where have you been? I kinda miss you."Forgive me if this sounds like a rant or just another article about someone complaining about people, but it is not. This is simply an article that is basically saying that sometimes people get tired. People get tired of taking care of other people, people get tired of having to nurse people's emotions without being nursed as well, people get tired of being used, people get tired of feeling like they owe everyone their presence, people get tired of being the people person sometimes... I got tired... and maybe you are too.So, I get it, I get it that I have lost so many people in my life because I have not been communicating, I get it that I have lost "friends" and those that would have been "potential boyfriends" because of the way I just suck at responding in time... and I also know that some do genuinely care and mean well and aren't out here to just drain you... but sometimes things get blurry and you can't really tell who is who... especially when they all feel the same. Plus life happens, life is happening every day, things change, we grow and we outgrow certain things and sometimes these things were what connected us to each other, we change and sometimes it means taking different directions in life which at times mean, parting ways and all of these things are often too complex to explain which leads to misunderstandings unfortunately.But don't they say that where there is bad, there is good as well? Or did I just make that up? Anyways, the good in all of this is that the best thing happened to me in the midst of all the emotional confusion and chaos, I found myself. I found the person that I had never thought twice to think about, I found "the inner voice" (seriously guys, that voice actually exists). I found the things that made my heart feel different things that I had not felt before, it almost felt like I had done some deep cleaning and I could breathe again. I found myself.With that being said, I am not going to lie, it gets addictive. You find this cage and never want to leave because it has all the fun stuff that you get to keep to yourself and you don't have to share. I did get selfish, I did push away a lot of people, in fact, I lost touch with the people that I know once cared for me dearly, but sometimes, it just has to happen and today I am trying to live the most authentic version of myself.So, yes, I am re-learning how to communicate, respond to texts as soon as I can, I am trying to leave my cage and forsake my selfish ways, but I am doing this for the right reasons, I am doing this because I am now ready to and not because my presence or friendship is being demanded, I am doing it because I want to and while this might sound selfish... oh well... this is me and this is me encouraging you to do the same, maybe don't stop communicating but fight to be your most authentic self even when it means losing yourself, because sometimes finding yourself means losing yourself(at least who you thought you are).However, before I turn this article in, I do want to thank those that didn't understand what was going on but refused to leave and those that understood but decided to leave...
Thank you, you brought me back.