Why am I Thinking About Him?
What do I do if I can't stop thinking about someone else?
Honestly I am writing this because I want to say this to people and not just keep it in my own head. Right now I am in a great relationship with a great guy. I truly do love him dearly and he has been all of the things that I've ever wanted in a person. I know that I will spend the rest of my life with him and he is perfect for me,
Even with all that being said, as of recently someone from my past has been coming to mind and its really bothering me. Years ago, and I do mean years ago, there was a boy that I couldn't get enough of. This may sound strange but I don't remember much about who I lost my virginity to or how. Most people have a really clear picture of that right? Not me, its super foggy. And that's not to say that something happened to me like I was drugged or something. I just honestly can't remember it clearly.
Anyway, whenever I try thinking about who I lost my virginity to. My mind keeps coming back to the same person. Tony, the guy that I couldn't get enough of. I vaguely remember something amazing and short lived happening between us. I remember being a little scared cause it was my first time and I knew that I shouldn't be being sneaky like I was. Overall though I remember the butterflies.
Like I said, this was years ago, and nothing really happened between us outside of that. I know we were friends and liked each other a lot, but I was younger than him and things just never went in the relationship direction. Fast forward to many years later and we are both in different places in our lives. I'm almost certain I haven't really crossed his mind and it's pissing me off that I can't figure out why the hell he is crossing mine.
I had this dream just last night where apparently my boyfriend broke up with me, and eventually I moved on. With who you ask? You guessed it. Toni. The dream was so weird and it really threw me off because in the dream I was sad to lose my boyfriend but there was also a faint satisfaction at having rekindled things with this other guy. Now if you're reading this just know that I am so uneasy writing this. My stomach actually hurts. I feel like I've cheated or something and I haven't done anything at all. I haven't spoken to or reached out to him...but I want to....God, I want to talk to him. I want to know if he is thinking about me too.
What does this make me?
Why is this happening?
Does this mean that I don't love the man I am with?
I have to figure out what all of this means....