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Where do you go?

When you just want to fade away..

By Lee NaylorPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
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What do you do when the skies are gray no matter the day and the weather? Where do you go when your skin seems barely able to contain you? Who do you turn to when things fall apart and you just need someone to see you?

Spent most of my life feeling like I didn't deserve to live like others. No matter the reaction, no matter the thoughts given the Universe just keeps dishing it out.

I can't decide if I'm the sick joke, or if I just keep getting through the things meant to kill me, and the Universe thinks I'm a rockstar so it just keeps dumping more on me going "Check this out, see how great she handles it", but what I know for sure is, I'm so tired.

I'm tired of trying to hold my head up alone. I'm tired of having "to make it through." I'm tired of not having anyone that is willing to just sit with me while I cry. I don't need you to fix me. I don't need anyone to help me, I wouldn't even know what to do. I just need someone who doesn't want to use me. Someone who isn't out to get me. I just need someone to sit with me, while I let it all out. Someone who won't walk away so they don't have to hear. I'm tired, so tired. Tired of having just me.

I have my own back, I've had it my whole life. I had my own back every time someone turned theirs on me. I've had my own back through the broken dreams, the tears, the traumas, and the pain. I've rocked myself to sleep with tears streaming down my face, while others laughed and walked away. I've had my own back while I held you in my arms and asked what I could do for you.

I've had my own back when I've been kicked down so far I couldn't even crawl. The marks are still in the ground where my nails held fast and pulled me through the fear.

What do you do when you grow so tired of getting through that you just want to fade away to nothing. I don't want to harm myself, I don't even have the energy for that anymore. I give until there is nothing left inside me then I ask what you need from me. I am tired of the constant lesson, they say if you give out good, good comes back. I'm here to let you know that I am not perfect but I try every day to be better than I was the day before. Kinder. Softer, and more loving and caring of others. I put a smile on my face and try and have faith it all works out in the end.

I so want to believe that it all works out in the end. They say it always does, and yet..

Where do you go when you've given your best everyday, when you've been grateful just to breathe? Where do you go when you don't even have the tears to cry anymore?

What do you do when you don't want to give up but you are so tired of being alone in this cruel world that you just want to fade away? I have no other words. I'm tired.

The strong one has their own back and everyone they meet along the way. The strong one spends so much time giving that they end up losing themselves anyway. I'm tired of being strong but I know no other way. I'm tired of saving space for myself and others just to have another set of lessons waiting for me when I get through this day.

So I'm glad you are good. I'm glad you are just doing you. I'm glad you'll always have a friend in me that will hold space while you cry, that will reassure you, you are loved and that you are not alone. I'm glad you are happy and don't need me anymore. I'm happy you are happy, and got what you longed for.

Where do you go when you just want to fade away to no more?

love
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