When you realize he isn't them...

It's almost like one day it just hits you out of the blue! You realize that there is no longer a need to worry about the man in your life because he isn't any of the men from your past. But do you know how long it takes to get to that point? Today was the day it finally hit me - like God himself smacked me in the head with a frying pan (He's got a sense of humor, ya know?!)

I wouldn't say that I was ever one of those crazy stalker types. I would say I am highly good at being a private investigator and typically trust my gut...take it however you'd like. But should I remind you that I found out my ex got a gal pregnant, wait for it... via MySpace (and that shows my age!!) so how about just call me a typical woman. We are very smart, fellas!

I've always been insecure in my relationships when it came to time together. For whatever reason, I would automatically feel like the man I was dating, would be lying about what he's doing, who he's with, etc. And honestly, I couldn't even begin to tell you at what point in my life or even what trigger, ever even caused that behavior. It really sucked, but it's part of my story and journey of growing each day, which I'm sure many others can relate to.

I guess you could say that I have always been one to trust men first, not make them earn it. I've been through so many things in my thirty-six years that I almost got to a point of where I didn't care whose feelings I hurt, because I had been hurt so many times. Well let's fast forward to a few months ago when I started dating my current beau (aka: future husband, wait and see...). He proved himself from day one that he was about me, as a person; he valued my mind and what I had to say, he truly listened when I spoke, he made me feel like more than just a booty call (in our defense, our relationship was never that way). As time has gone by, he continues to treat me with respect and communicates with me. I'm comfortable talking to him about absolutely anything - literally - he knows my deepest fears, my darkest secrets and things those who are closest to me don't even know. So why have I allowed myself to treat him like all of the rest (in my mind) when he so obviously needs to have my trust in him 100%?!

I’ll be honest, I’ve checked his Snapchat score and active status on Facebook. If other ladies are honest, hell men too, we’ve all done it and driven ourselves absolutely insane in the process thinking of all of the “what if’s”. Well I’m telling you that if you do that, you’ll continue to drive yourself nuts! Trust me! I’m overthinking every.little.detail and I’m terrified it’s going to sabotage my relationship. And it will if I don’t “woman up” and tell my insecurities to take a hike!

I wish you knew him like I do. He’s so amazing. He doesn’t even know it. He spent the past eight years being told how awful of a person he was, how he wasn’t attractive and whatever bullshit his baby mama would throw at him to make him devalue himself as a man. And that has impacted our current relationship. But at the same time, I’ve felt those insecurities and it actually may not be such a bad thing. You see, I understand what it feels like to be called amazing, attractive and told I’ve got an amazing personality and not think it true, and it took a long time for me to actually believe it myself. And the insecurities of my past are what make me still overthink my current relationship and our future.

Insecurities make you want to question every little thing. From him being quiet, as if he isn’t a quiet man enough, to not being lovey dovey daily. Not getting cutesy memes or snaps daily doesn’t mean he’s messing around. And it took a long time to trust and realize that. And I still have days of insecurity, but he knows that. And if I don’t stop those insecurities in their tracks, it’ll be the death of what I feel is the love of my life. And if he doesn’t put his aside, it’ll never work.

So while I realize he isn’t like a single one of the men in my past, he also realizes I am not the woman of his past that caused him so many scars. And us realizing that, is a beautiful thing.

Together we have a love that will conquer all and endure forever.