When the Shoe is on the Other Foot

Have you ever gotten into a nasty fight with your partner? I don’t mean the regular tiff. I mean when you get to the point that you look at the other person and wonder if you even know who they are anymore.

Now, if you said ‘yes’ to that statement, think about how many times you went to a quiet area to think and tried to imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes. This can be a difficult thing to do when you are angry with someone, but in the long run, it can be helpful.

I’ve noticed that sometimes when you are in a relationship with someone for a long time, you sometimes begin to have expectations of him or her. For instance, if he or she is the one that cooks every night, you might start expecting him or her to do this chore instead of appreciating the fact that he or she does it without having to.

No one is perfect. It’s easy to fall into the routine of life and forget about all the things that your partner does to make things better for both of your lives. Whether it is something simple like getting a cup of coffee for you in the morning, or something difficult like pulling an extra shift at work, so you two can get that new lawnmower that you want, it is important that these things are appreciated.

When you really appreciate the things that another person does for you, both little and big, you begin to empathize with his or her feelings. And when you empathize with the way that another person feels, you might be able to derail some of the negativity in the relationship and replace it with a more positive energy.

Another issue that people deal with when they are in relationships is transference. An example would be if your boyfriend came home and didn’t say but one word to you, or maybe, your wife cut you off when you were trying to tell her a funny story. These actions could all be a result of him or her being stressed out about something that doesn’t even have to do with you. Some people take their feelings out on the wrong person when they have bad days. Though this is unnecessary, it is sometimes done on an unconscious level, so the other person doesn’t even know he or she is doing it.

The best thing to do in this type of situation is to show him or her that you are willing to talk about what is bothering them and listen. If you can get into a pattern of doing this, maybe he or she will start to open up more rather than projecting his or her feelings in a negative way.

When people project their feelings onto someone else, they don’t always know that they are doing it. They might just think they are in a bad mood, and they may not have taken the time to piece apart what got them into their negative disposition. However, if you give your partner space and are willing to listen to how he or she feels, sometimes, you will find that he or she will open up about something that happened in their day that made him or her feel this way. Being compassionate in these situations and understanding your partner’s feelings can bring the two of you closer instead of pushing your relationship further apart.

So, next time you have an incident where the two of you are at odds, stop and think. ‘Did I listen to [him/her]?’ or ‘Could [he/she] have experienced something else that might have made [him/her] feel this way?’ Try to be attentive and assertive in these situations, and make sure that you acknowledge the contributions that he or she has made to your relationship. By doing this, you may be able to open up a more fluid conversation and detour the negative energy from splitting the two of you apart.