When Meetings Go Bad

When you’ve sat through hundreds, if not thousands, of difficult and emotional meetings, you start to see patterns in ways that meetings can turn sour and be unproductive. The other day, someone asked me my thoughts on the top reasons meetings go south. When I started making the list, I went back through my many years in education. I remembered in vivid detail some of the moments I knew we were headed in the wrong direction and down the proverbial “rabbit hole”. Meetings, whether they are about IEPs or behavior plans, or professional collaboration, get emotional when people are discussing things like children. Combine that with professional or parenting self-esteem and you have a perfect storm brewing. Therefore, my list and examples show how an already brewing storm can become a full-blown disaster in a matter of seconds.

Digging in Your Heels

The old saying, “digging in your heels”, comes to mind when I see people not wanting to give even a little. Many times, to come to a consensus, teams need to give a little. Never head into a meeting with the preconceived notion that there is only one outcome. Trust me, your body language will give you away long before you state your position. Inflexibility and the idea that there is only one way to do something will get you nowhere. If you are truly approaching a meeting from the idea that you want to create something, then coming in with a plan already solidified in your head does nothing but show that you are not willing to consider the ideas of others. Remember, each person at the table is bringing ideas unique to their experiences with whatever you are creating whether it is a behavior plan, an IEP, or an accommodation plan. Statements like “we can’t do that” or “we don’t do that” or being the sole presenter of information conveys that you won’t consider other ideas. I’m not saying an outline isn’t necessary. You don’t want to walk in without anything and let the meeting go wherever it goes. Have a general plan and ways to elicit input and thoughts. I try to never go to a meeting thinking there is only one way it will end because many times once people start giving input, the plan evolves. Let it evolve! There is something exciting about watching an outline evolve into a plan that everyone feels good signing off on.

Not Accepting Other Perspectives

Everyone comes to the table with their own unique perspective. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, administrator, advocate, or specialist, you have a unique perspective to bring. Before your next meeting, spend a couple of minutes thinking about who will be there. Put yourself in each of their shoes and be open-minded and positive. Think about that new teacher who is unsure of himself and his role in the meeting. Think about the parents who just discovered their child qualifies for services and is unsure of what the future will hold for them and their family. What about the behavior specialist that wants to recommend a novel intervention for a student and wonders if they will be dismissed and told it can’t be done? Everyone single person at the table has a perspective and each one of those is their own personal reality that deserves validation. Understanding that personal perspective and perception IS reality will help you to comprehend statements that might otherwise cause you to feel attacked.

Defensiveness

Taking personal offense to professional questions or suggestions will derail a meeting for sure. It’s difficult to not feel a sense of defense for a plan you created or an idea that you have. However, taking personal offense when someone questions you or adds a suggestion does not instantly mean you have been overruled and you wasted your time. It’s unlikely anyone at the table has an identical skill set to yours and maybe, just maybe, they have valid questions and/or suggestions. After all, the more ideas that are laid out, the more likely you are to work through something and come out with the best plan possible. One strategy that works well is using a simple line to communicate a willingness to listen and clarify. When you start feeling attacked, take a deep breath and say, “That’s interesting, tell me more”. Remember your tone can communicate as much as, if not more than, your words so saying this in a way that says you are listening is key. The worst thing you can do when someone says something you perceive as an attack is to come back with either another attack statement or a defensive statement. Don’t be sucked in. If you come back with something less than a statement that says I’m open and willing listen to what you have to say, you will likely stall the process or create a situation that will destroy any trust you are trying so hard to build. After all, everyone should be at the table for the kid, not themselves so taking things personally is selfish and not productive.

Mistakes get made. Someone overlooks a service. Someone puts the wrong date in an IEP. Someone doesn’t follow a behavior plan. Folks, mistakes happen. We are human. Be human. Don’t blame. Don’t make excuses. Own the mistake. Accept responsibility and work to fix it. Parents don’t want to hear excuses or see you avoid the mistake. Owning a mistake takes a lot of courage but goes a long way to mending relationships. Making excuses for a mistake increases your risk for complaints and litigation. Covering up for mistakes doesn’t hide it. Covering up a mistake instead of owning it and fixing it will only legitimize avoidance and increase the likelihood of future mistakes because nothing happened, and no one fixed it. Also, when a parent or student sees you covering up your mistakes and not owning it, it destroys trust and contributes to an us versus them mentality. If you are the administrator, it is your responsibility to own your team’s mistakes and fix them. You are not throwing them “under the bus”. Rather, you are showing respect for them as a human by saying you know mistakes have been made, you own them, and you are willing to fix the issue and make it better. You are in this together.

Communication

Some meetings are doomed before anyone enters the room. I’ve seen this happen more and moreover the years and email is the culprit. These group emails often sent to a variety of people, including parents, where “reply all” creates an incomprehensible thread of words that are then read without body language, tone of voice, or an opportunity to clarify. I’ve seen emails get to the point that people are arguing and posturing through their words. I can create a visual in my mind (tending to be negative) of this person saying these words in a harsh tone, hands-on-hips, and neck bent. Admit it. It is far too easy to misinterpret an email and often there have been strings and strings of these before anyone ever comes to a meeting. I’ve heard people say how much they don’t trust or don’t like someone they haven’t even met because of email nonsense. Stop the emails! Make a quick phone call. Save it for the meeting where you can insert your compassion, concern and clarify any misunderstanding immediately.

Likewise, never bring surprises to a meeting. Trust is broken when the first time a parent hears about an issue is in front of 5 other people. If you have issues or concerns, there should be communication ahead of time so that parents are aware and are prepared. It’s tough enough when there is only one or two of them and four or more of the district people there, let alone when they start giving you information for the first time. Also, when you spring surprises on parents, that’s about all they can think about the rest of the meeting and they won’t remember much else. Communicate with parents before the meeting. Let them know what will be discussed. Give them a heads up if an administrator is attending. Make sure they are aware of all behaviors that will be brought up at the meeting. Ask if they have specific issues they’d like to discuss. Plan ahead and include the parents.

Blame

Finger-pointing tends to happen when frustration and defensiveness set in. Blaming gets you nowhere. Resist the urge to lay blame for whatever issue is on the table. I have often seen discussions of behavior as choices or described so that they sound like character traits. Unless you can read minds, you certainly can’t know whether a behavior is a choice and you will send parents into orbit. Behavior is communication. If someone says it is a choice, ask them what the student is getting from the behavior. What are they trying to communicate? There must be a reason for the behavior and choice shouldn’t be the answer. Reframe their thought process so the focus is on what the student is trying to get or say. Steer the conversation away from the individual and their character.

I’ve also seen whole discussions focus on medication. Medication is a tool, not an answer and the school has little to no control over it. Blaming medication change or lack of medication does not aid in planning. It really doesn’t matter how you got where you are and you can’t focus on what you can’t control. What matters is how you’re going to move forward. Focus on the how and the future. You can discuss events in the past that help to drive the how but don’t get caught up in reliving every event and why it happened and whose fault it is. That’s not why you are here. I like to start a meeting with an agenda. Through that agenda, you need to discuss the purpose and expected outcome of the meeting. If people start getting off track and blaming, you can quickly bring them back by mentioning the purpose and expected outcomes to refocus the group.

Naysayers

We have all sat in an IEP or behavior plan meeting with the person that poo poo’s every idea. “That won’t work” or “we’ve already tried that”. They sigh, cross their arms, and look like they would rather be at the DMV renewing their license than in that meeting. They exude negativity and you can feel it permeating from their pores. This person is toxic. It’s toxic to the process and truly toxic for the relationship between school and home. Parents view this as someone who doesn’t like them or their child, someone who will sit in this meeting and then go do whatever they want, and someone who destroys any trust you’ve built. Personally, I don’t want the naysayers in the meeting. As a former administrator, my preference would be to have positive and open people at the meeting but sometimes the naysayer is a required member of the team. The best thing you can do is spend time preparing the naysayer for the meeting and doing what you can to answer their questions before the meeting. Explain to them that you want the meeting to be positive and communicate a willingness to work together for the child. When the naysayer is the parent, you may need to back up and build some trust and show a willingness to listen to them. Show them you aren’t giving up and have put thought and effort into working with them as a family and you value their insight as parents. Naysayers are people who don’t trust and don’t believe anymore. They are tough to win, but every step forward is a step forward.

No matter how hard you try, you are going to have meetings that go south and get there quick. You’re going to walk away from a meeting someday, if you haven’t already, and ask yourself what happened. The best thing you can do is take a minute and do a “meeting dissection”. Take the perspective of a neutral observer and dissect the conversation. Discover the point where things took a wrong turn. Analyze responses and reactions. Envision everything from body language, to words and phrases to reactions and then plan. How can you avoid this? Likewise, when you have a fabulous meeting, do the same. What worked? What can you do to replicate a successful process? You can’t expect to do better or be better without honest reflection.

One of the biggest reasons for parent dissatisfaction and contention is lack of trust or a history of poor meeting experiences. They feel like their input is not validated and the district is hiding things from them. Their experiences are real and if you feel like you’ve done nothing to create this, step back and think through the eyes of a parent. They don’t understand your lingo and acronyms. There are always way more of you than them. They are trusting you with their child. Think about how hard it is to hear what you have to say and how you say it. You can make a difference for parents and colleagues with meetings that foster collaboration, compassion, honesty, and understanding. Be the one who makes that difference.