Do You Hear What I Hear?

When sitting in IEP and 504 meetings there are certain comments/phrases that can and are interpreted as negative. Some could also be interpreted as violations of Part B of IDEA or Section 504. So, when I hear administrators or teachers make certain comments, I wonder if they realize what the other party is hearing. Likewise, as parents, do you know what they are thinking when you say certain things? Below are a few of the common ones I hear and how they are often heard or interpreted:

“We can’t have that kind of behavior here.”

What I hear when you say this is that you cannot have someone with this disability in your school. I understand you are saying the behavior is disruptive and possibly unsafe but I hear you saying that you are unwilling to work with their IEP, 504 plan, or Behavior Plan. I hear you saying this behavior (which is a direct result of the disability) is not allowed, therefore neither is the disability. Perhaps saying, “We need to find interventions and instruction that will reduce the inappropriate behavior so your child is successful as are others in the learning environment”. Try working collaboratively with the family and hold staff to a level of accountability so the plan is implemented with fidelity. This process is slow. Unlearning inappropriate behavior and teaching appropriate replacement behaviors takes time but you cannot simply dismiss a child from your school because of behaviors that are directly related to their disability.

"Always and Never"

These are probably my least favorite words that come from both sides of the table. The absoluteness of these words automatically throws up defenses that are just waiting for the opportunity to surface. Any sentence that starts with “You always” or “You Never” is instantly viewed as an attack and will no doubt lead to a counterproductive portion of the meeting. If you feel yourself wanting to use these words, step back and think of something more collaborative to say. Instead of “You never use the communication log we agreed on using”, try “How has the communication log been working? Is this something we want to keep utilizing? Is it serving the purpose we intended for it to?”. Especially when referring to a student, using “always” and “never” is definitive and final. Collaboration requires the absence of accusatory absolutes.

This is not a new or radical idea. Human psychology experts have been urging against the use of these two words for decades, but surprisingly and disappointingly the use of these words in IEP meetings is still being actively and consistently practiced by parents and educators alike. Though it may be otherwise intended, these words only serve to harm.

“I didn’t know your child had an IEP or 504.”

What?!?! Automatically, parents and advocates think you have no idea about this child. First, you should have received a copy of the IEP or 504 as soon as school started, or the child started in your class. Second, you should have read said copy and should be applying all accommodations and modifications. Now I have heard people use this statement as a means of saying the student is doing so well, it surprised you they had an IEP or 504 plans, but it still sounds close to a violation.

Dismissive comments like “all kids struggle with this” and “my kid struggles too” that try to normalize the disability are hard for parents to swallow. I, myself, am guilty of trying to build a connection with a parent this way but I now understand how parents feel like they aren’t being heard when they hear these statements. They feel like their concerns are not being validated and no one understands how hard things are for their family and their child. Empathy is a much better route to establishing a trusting relationship.

Finally (for now), asking if the family has considered medicating their child opens a whole can of worms. This may even be its own article at some point. Medication is a tool, not an answer. It is not something that should be suggested by school personnel (even if it is indirect) unless the district is willing to pay for the medication. Most, if not all, parents have thought about medication. Read about it. Wondered if it would help. Choosing to medicate a child is an intensely personal family decision. Asking about medicating a child is a very sensitive question that should be reserved for those who have a close, trusting relationship with the family and shouldn’t come up unless the door has been opened by the family. Often, families will ask if I think medication would help. My response is I’ve seen it work and I’ve seen it not work. It isn’t a decision to take lightly. I recommend they speak with their doctor, psychologist, or counselor about it then discuss it as a family. Many won’t agree with me, but this won’t be the first time!

All in all, perception is reality. If you are statements are perceived as negative or hurtful, that is the other’s reality. Whether you meant them that way or not, the damage it done. Choose wisely.