When It's Time To Let Go

There is a huge portion of me that believes we all have blindly loved someone at least once to the point that we took ourselves apart in order to gently dismantle the red flags that have been tortuously waved in our faces by the ones we love. We have changed ourselves at some point to suit the eye of a person who doesn't even value us as human.

Love is toxic and unkind behind its beauty and magnetic euphoria. Sometimes the love dies and all that is left is your magnetic passion. Only, your partner's magnet is dull, only weakly pulling toward you. But there is comfort in routine. So, they stay. They may not stay faithful but they stay. The thought that they stayed uncomfortably warms you. Yet, in reality, maybe it's time you'd go.

Sometimes memories bond us so deeply that we forget to look at current reflection. We forget that the things we dote over are only a cold memory of how we used to be treated. We never stop to think that the memories we hold onto are no longer in our grasp. The pill is too hard to swallow. So, you bury it and you pray. You pray for the love that once stole your breath from your body. You hope that there is something left. Sometimes there is. Many times there isn't.

Love is curable. That is your argument. It is one worn proudly by all of us. "If I can just be who they want me to be" you make plans to remove who you are to keep someone who is blatantly disconnected from your beauty. Checked out from the pact. It's too hard to bare so you store it away in the back of your mind. Only, it lingers sometimes when you've had too much wine.

When you threaten to leave, he cries. Or maybe he watches you walk away with the soul intent to manipulate you once you're finally comfortable with yourself again. But that means he wants you. That has to count for something. Right? You stay and he's good to you. The very best he's ever been because in his mind he didn't almost lose you, he almost lost his routine. But you don't think about that. He's honestly the best he's ever been. For three whole days.

And then he can't make it to dinner. And then he has to stay late at work. He stands you up. He is cold, distant, and selfish. You fume over these things but opt to fix your love instead for only reason you yourself are able to justify. You attempt to fix a love so broken while you yourself are even more shattered. You want to go but can't bare the thought of being without him or him falling in love with another girl. So you stay. You are oh so very tired, but you stay.

Tired enough that you don't do the same things you used to. It all seems pointless. You seem to feel colder than ever before but only a shred of hope beams from within your still gentle heart.

He doesn't come home one night. You sit in bed with crimson eyes stained from tears and exhaustion. It's five in the morning. Texts unanswered. Calls blown to the wind. You struggle to remember the last time you felt like he loved you. You can't. It makes the tears now rip from behind your aching eyes. How did this happen? Was it you? Confusion kills you but something has happened. Something you never expected.

You don't care anymore. You don't care to love him. You don't care to fix it. You don't care where you go but you know you're getting the hell out of there. You sat in your burning house to protect a love you thought would last until your very last breath. And while you winced in pain in every feeble attempt to shield and protect your significant other you are now burned to the bone. It is time to sweep the blackened ash around you and leave.

On a whim you pack your things without leaving as much as a note behind. The woman you used to be slowly resurfaces as you regain the freedoms you've allowed to be stripped from you. The empowering feeling nearly brings you to tears.

His calls and texts only quicken and a piece of you is weak to that. You slip up and text him only to find your texts ignored for hours before you receive a pathetic text reading "hi i miss u". The thought of him texting you feels poetic but in the end it is abundantly clear what you have to do.

You have to leave. Because it will never change. The love that once bellowed and echoed the deepest of passions inside your soul is now silent. You may feel alone. You may ache for a time. Nothing, however will hurt worse than every morsel of time you dedicate orchestrating your own down fall.

If you are feeling weak at the knees from the love you long to lend count back from ten and read this again.