What’s Up with Commitment-phobic Men?

Imagine that you’ve been seeing a guy for several months and the chemistry is great. There have been a few red flags, but no deal breakers—not even close. The two of you have gotten into a routine—spending nights together, going on weekend trips, meeting family and friends. You’re feeling connected—and possibly even in love. You’d like to define the relationship—Is he your boyfriend? Are you exclusive? But when you test the waters to see if he’s feeling the same way, he becomes distant and anxious.

Afterwards, you start to notice little things. He’s not as quick to respond to messages or it’s difficult to pin him down when you try to make plans. You carefully probe to see if the two of you are still on track and he acts surprised that you’re questioning things. Soon after, the bottom drops out. He tells you “things have been really great, but it’s just not working.” In an attempt to explain his reasoning, he says “we’re both too different,” or “I thought I was ready, but I’m not there.”

The caricature of the commitment-phobic man* is familiar to us all—the self-absorbed lone wolf who frequently dates, but by forty still hasn’t moved in with a partner—much less gotten engaged. Of course committed relationships are not for everyone and single people can lead lives just as fulfilling—or more so—than those who are coupled. With half of marriages ending in divorce, being in a relationship is clearly no guarantee of happiness. Nevertheless, there’s a tendency for some men to sabotage good relationships by calling the game too early. But it’s usually not for the reasons you might think.

Before turning my attention to trauma-focused treatment, I regularly worked with guys who were trying to figure out if they should stay in a relationship. They all seemed to fit a similar profile—in their thirties or forties, successful in their careers, a good group of friends, intelligent, and self-reflective.

While the details varied, the central issue for these men was control. From how they organized their days to the route their Uber drivers took—they endlessly analyzed everything, seeking to optimize every situation. In areas like education and work performance, this approach had proved highly successful—and exhausting.

The shadow side of a preoccupation with control means taking responsibility for things you have very little—or no—hope of controlling. It means being constantly frustrated with yourself because no matter how much you do, it’s never enough. It means being acutely aware of and even exaggerating your own shortcomings. Those preoccupied with control are also plagued by the fear of letting others down. Many are acutely aware of their level of self-involvement and have little confidence they can live up to the demands of marriage and children. To make matters worse, a lot of the men I treated had grown up in miserable households. Their parents constantly fought or were so emotionally distant that it’s a wonder they ever got together. They were terrified of turning out the same way and of making mistakes that couldn’t be overcome. They vowed never to put themselves or others through the same thing. Even those over-controllers who grew up in happy homes can fall victim to ending relationships too early in an attempt to protect themselves from the heartbreak and self-recrimination they might experience from a poor relationship decision.

My patients endlessly debated the pros and cons of their relationships in an attempt to gain greater control in territory that is inherently uncertain. Inevitably, they became mired in all the “what ifs” that couldn’t be answered because no one could’ve predicted the future with the level of certainty they were hoping to find. Most eventually concluded that it would be the wrong decision to move forward in their relationship because they couldn’t make an iron-clad, “forever” commitment to such an uncertain enterprise.

Because of their need for control, these guys were not accustomed to working through their problems with others. By and large, men tend to work things out in their head and then take action. Women are much better at talking about their feelings as they arise—issues are hashed out openly. Women are also more adept at examining the theoreticals of relationships while men can feel like they must have the answer—or know precisely how they’re feeling—before responding.

Grappling with this divide, the seeds of doubt grow. When issues arise, they play it off like everything is okay and miss critical opportunities to enter into productive discussions. If they do bring up concerns, they quickly shut down if they don’t receive the answer they were hoping for. They are constantly making assumptions about the other person based on projections and partial information. If their partner is misled or completely in the dark about the importance of these concerns, they are denied the opportunity to meaningfully respond. As a result, the relationship doesn’t deepen or grow.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a man who fits this profile, it’s not as though the situation is hopeless. Often, a major obstacle is a gender-biased fear that if he is too open about his dilemma, he will be overwhelmed by the emotional intensity of your response. In these types of situations, try being the partner you’d like to have—respond with empathy. Validate his perspective. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with him, but hear him out. Reassurance that taking the next step doesn’t mean “til death do you part” can also help relieve unnecessary pressure on you both. Even though he should know this, emphasize that you’re a strong, responsible adult who knows the risks inherent to relationships—that you can take care of yourself if things don’t work out. If you need to set boundaries, there’s time to do that after you’ve taken everything in. For some guys, this will be a new experience which provides a potential stepping stone in building trust and a sense of emotional safety in the relationship.

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*Keep in mind that making broad statements about “men” and “women” can lead to unhelpful assumptions that we are speaking about all men or all women. Dividing men and women into separate categories is an artificial construct based on a binary conceptualization of gender. Often, these assumptions are also based on the premise that everyone is heterosexual. In any large cohort, members fall into a statistical bell curve, with outliers—those beautiful square pegs who don’t fit into prescribed holes—built into this model of understanding. We are highly complex creatures with complicated psychological histories. These histories, along with our genetic inheritance and social environment combine to determine the way we see ourselves and others.