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What makes a good relationship (part 2)

by Robert Kegel about a year ago in dating
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The special sauce I think relationships need

What makes a good relationship (part 2)
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

In the first part of the story, I dove into people and relationships. This part I’m going to give my opinion on what I think makes a good relationship.

There are a few things you have to do when you found “the one(s)”.

1) The key thing is honesty and being open. This should be a given but a lot of relationships seem to lack this. This is sometimes hard because you don’t want to hurt your significant other’s feelings or maybe you just don’t want her to hate you. It may be bad when you tell them, but if you don’t It’ll be worse.

2) Have enough in common.

a. At least have some music, movies, TV shows and games in common. This is more important than people might think. If you hate everything your significant other likes it’s going to get on your nerves and same with them. Also, if you’re into video games and/or watching sports, find someone who does too. If your partner is walking in front of you with a wet spot in her panties, or a hard on and you tell them to move, I don’t feel sorry for you if they get pissed off. It doesn’t have to be 100%, and opposites may attract but they usually don’t stay together.

b. Have a similar sex drive and sexual interests. If you have a low sex drive and she has a high one, it won’t work. If you’re into kink and she’s vanilla it won’t work. If you’re interested in ethical non-monogamy and they're not and you try and get them into it, it won’t work. I think this may be more important than having entertainment in common. If you love someone enough you can probably bend and tolerate what they like entertainment wise, but sex is chemicals in the brain. I think a lot of couples look past this because they think the person, they're with is cute or maybe they have a lot in common, common sex drive and kink is more important than people may think.

c. Don’t just go for looks. I hear a lot of people say “this is my ___friend ...isn’t he/she gorgeous, I fell in love with them when I first saw them”. This tells me this person knows very little about their significant other and probably doesn’t care because their self-absorbed and only car about looks. I’m not saying looks isn’t important. There has to be some physical attraction there, but it can’t be everything. This is lust and it won’t last long. When it comes down to it you will get sick of each other after a while no matter how attractive you think the other is.

3) If you tend to be the jealous type become a hermit or go out with someone who’s also jealous so you can control each other. Jealousy isn’t always bad but when you start telling your significant other not to hang out with friends because you’re jealous, or someone is looking or talking to them at a bar and you get butt hurt, that’s when you have to think “should I be in a relationship or should I get help”. Jealousy not only ruins relationships but people because jealousy can cause controlling and controlling could turn into abuse. Everyone gets a little jealous. If I saw someone talking to my girlfriend in a bar, I’d get a little jealous, but I’d walk up to them, put my arm around her and give her an innocent kiss on the head and introduce myself to the guy. If he’s a real man he’d shake my hand, maybe apologize if he was coming on strong and walk away. People look, it’s our nature, when I’m with someone I don’t stare, or drool, but I glance and I would think she does too. In the end you’re going home together. You have to trust the other person, you just do. Without trust the relationship will not work. You can’t have real love without trust.

4) Be there for each other. A good relationship works best when you’re there through good and bad times. You listen to each other; you help each other through live problems. If they’re someone who complains every day and they’re always upset about something, and there is nothing you can do to help them, see if they’re open to getting professional help. Even tell them if you can go with them even for moral support you will. If you love someone, you’ll try to help them to the best of your ability. Of course, there are people that always have something wrong or maybe mental illness and if that comes up, if you’ve tried everything and nothing helps, you’re just drained or angry yourself, then you should evaluate the relationship. You can’t have a good relationship when someone is broken and can’t be fixed, doesn’t want to be fixed or doesn’t think they need to be fixed.

5) Don’t expect your partner to do everything. Help her clean and do other chores. If you both are working, they’re tired too. Your partner isn’t your maid or your cook. You can make it fun to do things together. I love cooking with my partner, we joke around, flirt, listen to music. Same when doing most chores, then when we’re done, we have sex.

I’m going to now talk about ethical non-monogamy. This is what it sounds like, you and your partner know you’re dating someone else (or more than one). This could be separately (open relationship) or together (polyandrous) or swinging.

These relationships you really need a lot of trust and understanding. You can’t be jealous because you’re with other people as well as dating your partner. Ethical non-monogamous relationships can be very tricky, but if done right they can be fulfilling. If you don’t get something from one person, you can go to another. This could be sexually, mentally, maybe one partner likes going hiking when the other doesn’t, or one likes Sci-fi movies and the other likes psychological thrillers and you like both. Personally, I’ve been in more monogamous relationships than non-monogamous ones and I don’t really have a preference, I’m open to either. Which one do I find more difficult? Non-monogamous ones can be more tricky (especially Poly relationships), but like any relationship if you find the right fit, they can work and be worthwhile.

Relationships are hard, but if you’re with the right person(s) that you have a nice amount in common with, you’re sexually compatible, you listen to each other and help each other out, you’re not overly jealous and not controlling (unless that’s what your partner is into, but we’ll get into that in another article) and you’re understanding and empathic to them, they’re fun and fulfilling.

So, in conclusion, figure out what type of relationship is right for you. If you keep cheating then maybe a monogamous relationship isn't for you. If you're in a non-monogamous relationship and you find yourself feeling jealous all the time, maybe that type of relationship isn't for you. If you cheat, but you're also to jealous to be in a non-monogamous relationship, think about getting counselling, because there is probably some other issue there you need to cope with before you get involved with someone(s).

A lot of people say they want to find someone who can be their best friend and lover, but they usually don't find that. Look at your best friend, see the type of relationship you have with them and find someone who has some of the same qualities. Look for love interests like you'd look for a friend, but that you're attracted to and you'd want to sleep with. Love relationships are different than platonic ones, but if you can find someone you truly can be friends with, you can talk to and joke around with like a friend, you found someone (or more than one) special.

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About the author

Robert Kegel

I'm a rocker, a gamer, a romantic, a Dom, a hiker and l like camping. I'm a geek, who loves Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and technology. I'll try and write about a variety of topics ranging from relationship, tech and every day rants.

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