What Is Love?

As someone whose had their heart broken 14 times the last one resulting in cheating and separation leading to an eventual divorce, I think I know a thing or two about heart break. So I will do my best to help you through any heartbreak whether it's happening at this moment, or the pain is coming along the way.

First off, What is Love? That is the big question, why do we want it or crave it the way we do? Is it a sense of longing, of completion, the feeling of loyalty or the thrill that person brings you? Doesn't everyone just want to be wanted at some point, to have someone long for them despite all of their faults. Or is love simply a chemical reaction in our minds forcing us to find someone to fill that void, so we in turn have a better chance of survival through finding a mate? Is love supposed to be dangerous or safe, and why are their so many questions left unanswered? Does Gender matter, am I too Broken to be Love? Will I never be good enough, or am I fine on my own? These questions quite honestly are endless, I in turn could write an entire thousand pages simply on questions alone. So hold your questions and I'll hold mine until another time.

Love is all of those things, yet at the same time it's not because love is defined differently for everyone. Love can be pure or twisted depending on one's mentality, a mentality you develop due to your own experiences built upon friendships, family along with traumas and other heartbreaks. Imagine your feelings are like a flash light, the flash light itself was built by the thoughts of society and history building up the concept of love. Not the light bulb is provided by your heart, yet every heart is different some are broken, some are an array of colors and others are just void of color. So when you finally find love you're surprised by the light that does shine in your relationship. The light can be fractured or never turn on and you wonder what you did wrong, but in reality its completely normal, while there is much wrong with you. There is a lot wrong with everyone, so if it takes time to get love the way you want it that's fine. But lower your expectations as you'll come to find reality is much different from dreaming, and even the biggest goals need simple first steps.

One of two things will happen, love will be either exactly what you expected or it isn't at all what you expected. Which is hilarious considering this point of view can be interpreted in dozens of ways.

Let's simplify this either you expected love to be as amazing as a Disney film and in your mind it is, or someone is a cynical drama llama and has no expectations for love. For you Disney fans(aka Dreamer's) it could be your relationship turned out exactly like you wanted after much struggling your found your prince or princess. Or you realized that reality is much closer to Disney than you expected, because behind every happy ending there is indeed a dark twist. There is always a price for happiness as my cynical kiddos would happily agree with me, but in many cases our dear cynic you can be proven wrong. As you can also be proven wrong, while love isn't what you expected you can also learn it's not as bad as you thought it'd be.

Now it's time to bring up my odd balls because we all know life is not plain black and white, yes those people who feel like they both a Dreamer and a Cynical lets call you the Lost. For Lost one's your life is a bit more complicated because at the same time you both expect everything to be a Disney film but at the same time you're completely ready for it to fail and have no expectations for your relationship. You want all the benefits of having the dream relationship yet are ready to jump ship when things get rough. Love is too complex to be this unsure because it's a gamble you need to put your heart on the line, and you think you're safe because you have a line attached to reel it back in, but the damage is still done. You end up damaging yourself more by not having faith in anything except yourself than you would've through the normal heart break. It's not easier to hurt yourself, trust me while you think it is, you know deep down it's much darker to hurt yourself without any remorse than it is to have someone else hurt you. You know how maddening it is to self harm in anyway, you are tricking the mental defense your body has put in place preventing you from breaking your own body. I need to reel myself in in other words when you trust no one but yourself it takes longer to heal yourself, when you're the one who in turn continues to damage yourself. You can't put it all in only to take it all back, there is a balance to the universe your happiness comes at a cost and so does your sadness and pain. It is harder to rebuild yourself after someone you trusted hurt you, this is an undeniable fact of life. Yet it is much much harder to rebuild yourself and trust someone if you keep betraying the only person you trust, that person being yourself. My dear Lost one's you are the one's in my danger than either Cynical or Dreamer.

Always expect the unexpected, trust me I've been there time and time again always surprised by what life throws at me. As I was a Dreamer who married my dear sweet Cynical, yet I changed her so much that She became a Lost one and in turn I lost her. Yet let's take a quick look into my history and thoughts on healing from heart break.

In my years of dating I've dated trans, cheaters, abusers, rapists, psycho's, girls, guys or even those who don't identify. I could go on and on I really could but for another day perhaps, the point is I KNOW heartbreak if so choose to believe me. The funny thing is I am unbelievably stubborn and if you don't believe me ask any of my ex's and friends, and I mean that in the best/worst way possible. The example being no matter how hard my heart is broken I always come back for more expecting different results and 9/10 times my type breaks me because I love the broken. I say broken but I'm also broken, and so you are and everyone you know or don't know, because we are all broken. This however is a talk for another time the basic's being no one is perfect, the sooner you learn there is no fixing someone the better you'll be in life. I say I fall for the broken because 14/14 times the people I dated are changed, sad or even semi suicidal due to their past. They let their lives control them resulting in a black hole of despair that pulls in others, while pushing away people at the same time. They want to be happy but don't know how so they resign themselves to being okay with being unhappy. Everyone of of them i have changed, and in turn they have also changed me which is perfectly okay, while I may not have thought that way at first I've grown. Much to my surprise many of them have also grown in their own ways in turn becoming more whole as time and experience leads to growth.

This Growth is happening inside you, every time someone hurts you or breaks you, or helps you or loves you a bit of you is taken away and replaced. Now whether you grow negatively or positively depends on you, because if done wrong you become Lost which results in pain for everyone. First things first recognize that you are broken, you are not perfect and never will be come to terms with that because perfection is impossible. Know you are human you will mess up and make mistakes many mistakes which have resulted in you being the way the way you are now. That's okay because you should learn and build from said mistakes, while we may never be perfect there will always be room for growth. I will go much further into this another time as I'm sure my theories and thoughts could contribute greatly. For now lets continue with heartbreak, while it is one of the most intense pains one can experience while alive, its not something to fear. My point being one should never enter a relationship with the mindset that it will fail, no every time you enter a relationship you expect it to last forever. If you have thoughts of failure before you even start then you're already doomed to fail before you even began. That being said it's okay to be scared, to have doubts to worry from time to time and even a bit of jealousy can be healthy within moderation. As you should also communicate, trust and embrace all the faults of your partner, if they wish to change for the better that must be a decision they make on their own. Your responsibility is to love them as much as you can for as long as you can except their faults up until the point that they clash with your own.

We've all been there a partner does something that we absolutely despises or disgust us yet we either make a massive problem of the habit or action which results in an argument. Or the latter we ignore what bothers us letting it build up until it's an immeasurable ball of rage and resentment hidden inside us. Neither of these things are good, but you're human so they will happen so don't worry or fret but if you feel bad, that's good guilt is a step to redemption. Learn from your mistakes because one needs to communicate, never let emotions like Pride, Hate, Rage or Lust get in the way of your love. These are both complex yet primal chaotic emotions that are very natural but they should not control you, the moment you let these emotions control you, your life will spiral leaving you hurt and wondering what you did wrong. Acknowledge what you've done wrong and right in every relationship, learn what you need to do to get better, learn from that mistake build up a better you before you can jump into a partnership.

Remember your partner is human and every human is different, you are unique just as they are and they may need a little time to catch up. Being with someone is walking side by side with nothing left to hide embracing every part of them as you walk the path you decided together. It's good if they're different from you because they make up for what you lack, and if they are similar strengthen your weaknesses and build your foundations.

Never fear heartbreak it will happen even inside a good relationship, be ready for hardship because single or married you will experience it. Remember to take in the pain, let it process and strengthen you but never let it control you, grow smarter, stronger and kinder. Do good simply because its the right thing to do, be kind because you would appreciate the same, open your ears and listen. Lastly you may never be perfect, but remember its okay to not be okay, take those mistakes and be the best you can. Well because love isn't a race or a final boss to conquer, its a slow grind and build it takes time but in the end whatever love means to you, it's worth it.