What I Learned From My First Committed Relationship

I have been dating my current boyfriend for about 2 years now. He gets the privilege to be my first real relationship. Lucky him! For the record he doesn’t have that much experience over me, only having one real relationship before me. I have had my flirtations and dates but, nothing was ever serious. I never envisioned building a future with those boys.

This was the first time I fell in love with someone, which was a massive shock because I was single for so long. I always assumed I would be the cool single aunt who travels a lot. I dreamed of having a wedding, being married, and starting a family but, the man in those fantasies was never real. I enjoyed being single and was comfortable in that status. No man I dated could fill that role of husband and father of my children that I created in my head. I was heavily guarded and refused to be used by men. So, I went about my single swag life until perhaps I would find someone who would open up my guarded gates.

That mindset was solid until I met my boyfriend on Match.com in February of 2019. We went on our first date after a week of exhilarating texting using a lot of GIFS, emojis, and bitmojis. We immediately clicked over vodka seltzers and lime in a dim-lit bar. We debated over sports and laughed over college horror stories. We kissed and with a beaming smile he said he can’t wait to see me again.

I could sense his good-natured soul and felt that I could trust him with all my parts, even my dark ones. He supported my anxiety and reassured me he isn’t going anywhere. Four months down the road after going to a literal ball for his dad’s job he said: “I Love You”. It was almost as if the world turned in slow motion and my brain was trying to replay that moment. I thought I would never hear those words. I screamed it back to him with excitement and almost disbelief. I never questioned his interest in me as a whole person. He admired my intelligence, beauty, passion, genuine excitement for life, and compassion. I admired him for his work ethic, compassion, helpfulness, supportive nature, and handsome face.

Now, we are at almost two years. Our relationship has been through a pandemic where the lockdown caused us not to see each other for three months. It was almost as if our relationship had to start over. Throughout this year and a half, I have learned a few things about how relationships work. GUYS, relationships are not for the faint of heart let me tell you. They take some hard work and dedication. It takes you from “This man is on my last nerve!” to “Wow he’s so thoughtful” in a matter of a day. You may question your sanity frequently but, at the end of the day, that’s your person who makes you happy. Y’all, love is such a trip.

At points, being in a relationship can be stressful because I’m not sure how relationships work. This is my first one and I have no idea what I’m doing. I overthink, which causes me to hold on to small issues longer than I should. My anxiety makes me irritable at points or so exhausted my mood is at a standstill. I want to communicate but, I don’t want to make a huge deal over something small. My anxiety crashes over me in a wave of worry and my mind is drowning. I worry am I too much? I am not enough? Do I bring more stress to his life? Can I be more supportive? Then I think I’m the worst girlfriend in the world.

Then, there are moments of absolute bliss. We laugh until we cry, we sing our hearts out to middle school bops from the early 2000s, we dance together as we cook meals in his kitchen, we connect with nature on our bike trail adventures, we find comfort in cuddling while watching our favorite shows, we surprise each other with spontaneous road trips, and find love in our morning whispers.

Through many therapy sessions, I work through my anxiety in my relationship. Here are some lessons and tips I have worked through during my sessions. These are known as the “Three C’s”.

COMMUNICATE: This is a huge hurdle I needed to jump over. I cringe at the thought of communicating my feelings. Vulnerability shakes me to my core. I have learned though, in a committed relationship I must communicate. My boyfriend is not a mind reader and if something is bothering me I need to tell him so we can work together towards a solution. A super important point to make is to make sure you communicate effectively. To connect with your partner, you must have honest and open communication. You must also listen to understand, not to always respond. Hear where your partner is coming from and try to show compassion. The issue will not be fixed by silence. It will only bubble up into argument rather than a discussion. Yelling at each other will not create a solution.

Use phrases like “ I feel this way because ____________________”

“ I understand where you are coming from”

“ I see your perspective but, this is how I feel about_____________________”

“I want to share with you what’s been going on in my head.”

“ I apologize for making you feel that way, that was not my intent and I can see why that upset you.”

“ I want to connect with you on this please tell me how I can help you”

2. COMPROMISE: There are TWO people in a relationship. Both of those people have goals, desires, needs, family obligations, and a circle of friends. You have to work with one another. It’s not “My way or the highway” or “That’s just the way I am”. No, you should plan with each other about how things work in your relationship. Sometimes you may have to go to a family obligation when you’re tired one day but, your partner would appreciate it if you came with them. YOU GO. You may compromise on how you communicate and what works best for each other. Some people appreciate brutal honesty and others appreciate a more graceful approach. Comprise requires some sacrifice but, it’s a must for both people to feel supported and valued in the relationship.

3. COMPASSION: You and Your partner are NOT perfect. You both are going to make mistakes and upset each other. You are going to argue and hurt each other’s feelings. It is important to apologize and forgive. We are going to have bad days and lash out at our partners. We must apologize. Your partner may have had a poor sleep schedule last night and was crabby all day at a friend’s party. They apologize, show grace, and forgive them. Apologize even if you feel like you did not do anything wrong but, your partner is upset. You still upset them in some way and their feelings are valid. Your partner is stressed out about work but, you have no idea how to fix it just support them. They will appreciate it. If you don’t know how to help ask them. If they don’t know but, just want alone time give them that time.

Be your partner’s biggest cheerleader in all aspects of their life. If they are venting ask “Do you want advice or you just want me to listen?” Your relationship will go through many seasons and somedays they will not be your favorite person, love them anyway. UNLESS they are showing true signs of abuse and manipulation. That’s when its time to head out. Please listen to your gut feeling. If the relationship gives you more stress than happiness, its time to go. If you feel like your partner always gas lights your feelings and needs, time to evacuate. Your partner should want to make you happy and feel safe. If they are not doing that for you, leave because you deserve so much better.

I have learned that I need to work through my emotions with him and not shut him out. I have learned I need to communicate effectively and not choose anger as my go-to emotion. I have learned to forgive and move on. Do not hold grudges on small mistakes. My boyfriend is human just like me, I must show compassion in his dark moments as well. We must work through our low points together and explain how we feel. We must show up for each other even when times are tough. I must quiet my mind and not let my anxiety get to me. Rather I should share my anxious thoughts and create rational solutions. Being single is way easier but, being in a relationship provides a life experience of growth. Love is a garden that needs to be nourished so, get the gloves on and lay down the seeds. Care for the garden and watch how it flourishes.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” — Lao-Tzu

Originally published on Medium.com in "Hello Love"