What Goes Inside an Introvert's Mind?

The previous concepts of the pieces I wrote revolved around self-esteem and self-image so my mind is occupied by these themes lately. As I wondered what could be best suited for the next series, I stumbled upon a certain line of questioning.

Have you ever thought about what’s in the head of more introverted people? Have you ever wondered how their side of things could be?

This series, and especially this article, goes out to all the people who feel the need to be left alone and those who may find difficulties in sharing their thoughts.

The Reasons Why Someone Becomes Introverted

I’ve hung out with a lot of people who tend to be introverted. Some even appear to be completely closed off. I noticed that there were some differences between my different introverted acquaintances.

At first, I couldn’t point out what they were but after reading about psychology and spending more time with them, I believe I’ve got some good clues.

Some introverts enjoy that alone time and others do not necessarily. But what drives people to want to stay alone? And what makes people stay alone when they wouldn’t prefer it?

Let’s split introversion into the 2 following categories for simplicity’s sake.

Enjoyers of solitude

In my opinion, this is easier to comprehend; people like spending their time on intangible and tangible things that in their minds are worth the exchange of that precious asset of theirs.

If you can’t find relative value in something in comparison to the time you will put into it, you won’t find the motivation to go through with it.

Hence, people that truly enjoy being alone usually don’t believe they will get back any kind of value (be it knowledge, experience, fun, e.t.c) that is equal to or larger than the time they invested in.

The million-dollar question is, how does it get to this point though? And fortunately, the answer to that is simple to identify; for this trait to blossom the way they grew up plays a major role.

If the parents show a lack of social interest while nurturing a child, this can be transferred to their kid as well. This means that the person won’t find much meaning or pleasure in interacting with other people.

Always remember though, not a single person on earth doesn’t like to be surrounded by fellow humans. It’s just that some people might not get drawn to as much or are not as familiar with socialization as others.

Escapists to introversion

First off, depending on the person’s background and experiences, one can claim that they don’t want to mingle with others because of how untrustworthy and evil other people can become.

Given the circumstances they grew up in and people they interacted with previously, they might avoid connecting with other people to prevent themselves from getting hurt by them.

Secondly, a person not cultivating the necessary social skills with the help of their parents at first and by themselves later in life is another justification to escape to introversion.

This splits into two routes; avoidance due to embarrassment or self-deception.

If a person is unsure of their social skills they might be embarrassed to connect with others because of how self-conscious they are about their lack of communicative skills. They will conjure various images of how wrongly the situation can go, so they will try to bypass it to avoid these negative feelings.

Self-deception now is more complex. The person that is usually conscious of their lack of social skills might want to make themselves believe that they don’t need to socialize.

The deception part comes here; deep down the person wishes to interact with others more. Even so, they will try to raise some inner psychological walls to protect themselves from psychological harm.

That’s because social interaction is hard for them and to escape from difficult situations and not recognize their absence of social skills, they will try to make their minds think that socialization isn’t desirable and thus avoid it.

Ways to Approach an Introvert as an Extrovert

For both sides, the first step begins, actually, with the comprehension of an introvert's mind. However, each side has to utilize this knowledge differently to approach and manage introversion effectively.

As I’ve covered before, usually introverts don’t have the necessary skills, expertise, or faith in themselves when it comes to socializing. Hence, they might avoid you or seem distant sometimes, especially in the beginning.

But, regardless of how everything seems on the surface, just try to always remind yourself of this simple fact; all people have a sense of belonging, and sometimes introverts possess a very deep one.

No matter how difficult it seems to strike a conversation or how it might seem that the introverted person avoids you, remember that most likely they don’t do it out of spite or because they don’t want to hang out with you.

They might feel embarrassed, fearful of you losing interest in them, or even not completely trusting you yet because of how high their inner psychological barriers are.

The best way to handle this, in my opinion, is to try to get in their shoes and show patience. Patience towards their sometimes distant attitude or their difficulty in believing you.

When they take hours to answer your texts or decline a request to go out without you, try not to take it personally. Don’t criticize them in their face nor lash out at them. Tell them that you value their company and want to spend more time with them regardless.

If you give them the time they need to open up, understand more about themselves, and even realize their true potential in socializing, you will not only get a very loyal and trustworthy friend, but you will have also helped another individual take a step forward towards a brighter future.

Ways to Handle Introversion as an Introvert

Switching sides, even though extroverts might be able to crack the first thin layer of walls an introvert has arisen it may still be not enough sometimes.

After that, the responsibility for socializing rests at the hands of the introvert themself. And as stated previously, they too have to comprehend how their mind works at first which was covered in detail in the first part of the piece.

50% of the solution always lies in recognition of the cause of the effect. The other 50% though is filled in with the practical means that counter that cause. What can introverts do after they understand how their mind works?

First off, you must cultivate a sense of how others feel as well; otherwise known as empathy. If you don’t try to put yourself in the shoes of the person that tries to approach them, you will continue to question their intentions without seeing them for what they truly are.

As I’ve said, all people have a sense of belonging and extroverts do so as well. Being silent around them, not communicating enough, or never talking to anyone about your emotions will make them feel disheartened around you since they won’t receive what they are looking for, namely communication.

Secondly, if you can’t trust people and don’t want to open up because you are fearful of the consequences try to learn about body language.

Instead of staying away from everyone to not get hurt, learn what it takes to detect a liar or someone that doesn’t like you so that you can avoid those people specifically and not everyone that doesn't fit that image.

It might sound vague at first, but try to see socialization as a learning opportunity as well. With some decent practice in talking and detecting red flags, you will gain two things.

One, more experience in what to say and to whom to not get hurt, and two, more background in socializing and what type of people you get along with better.

Body language is a very wide field that is researched by plenty of people, but I would recommend getting the following books: The Definitive Guide to Body Language by Alan and Barbara Pease, What Everybody is Saying by Joe Navaro, and Bulletproof by Evy Poumpouras.

Final Thoughts

Introversion is a subject that might be well known to most. However, its roots are dug deep into a person’s mind and soul.

If each side understands the reasoning of the other, we can all get past our psychological barriers and develop more equal and fulfilling relationships with the people around us.

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This article was originally published on Medium at Harrys Stratigakis