What An Argument With An Internet Stranger Taught Me About Conflict Resolution

A week ago, I got into an extended argument with an internet stranger. This dispute came after I shared an article about the popular animated series, Avatar The Last Airbender, in a popular Facebook fan group. The story was entitled "The Avatar Has Returned - 7 Must-Have Elements for the Expansion of the Avatarverse." For anyone unfamiliar with the series, Avatar takes place in a world divided into four nations in which each nation contains people who possess mastery over one of the four elements (water, earth, fire, air). This information is necessary to understand the context of the argument, which went as follows:

Internet Stranger: There are only four elements in Avatar. Where are you getting 7 from?

Me: An element is a characteristic of something. The word has more than one meaning in English. I thought that was fairly obvious. You only have to read the article to know that.

Internet Stranger: You can recite all the dictionary definitions you want, doesn't change the fact that this has no bearing on the discussion.

Me: What are you even talking about? Just say you didn't understand the title. That's fine but to say it has no bearing is ridiculous. The use of element in the title is its most widely used form.

Internet Stranger: What are you talking about? There are 4 base elements in Avatar, everything else is a branching element.

Me: No one's arguing against that. I know there are 4 elements in Avatar but the word 'element' also means 'characteristic' and that's its context in the title of the article.

Internet Stranger: There are 4 elements in Avatar, that's an established lore. And I'm tired of you insinuating I can't read.

Me: To put an end to this. I never intended to insinuate you can't read. I was merely answering a question you posed. The article outlines the 7 things the author wants to see most in the expansion of the Avatarverse, hence 7 must-have ELEMENTS. That's it.

Internet Stranger: Oh, ok! I've read it now. It's actually a pretty good article but for future reference, you shouldn't be so rude and snippy to someone just asking a question.

Me: Thank you and sorry.

Internet Stranger: It's okay, sorry too.

I don't make a habit of engaging in arguments with strangers on the internet. In fact, I'm more likely to duck out before the conversation even gets to this point. Looking back, I see this dispute for what it was: vapid and unnecessary. But it did teach me quite a few things about internet arguments and conflict in general that I thought I'd share today. Fair warning: this story might be the silliest and most meaningless one I've ever written here on Vocal, BUT I thought it'd be interesting to share. Hopefully, at least one person resonates with it and endeavours not to start beef in the virtual space with people they'll possibly never meet in real life or even remember six months from now.

1) Be Clear About What You Mean

People don't read, and that's a fact of the internet. In this age of fast-paced technology, 140 character tweets, buzzwords and catchy headlines, reading has become less and less fundamental as a prerequisite for voicing an informed opinion. Lengthy posts are often met with dismissive responses of TL;DR (too long, didn't read) or quite simply "I'm not reading all of that." Such offhand statements would be acceptable if they weren't often accompanied by an almost aggressive need to share one's opinion and ask asinine questions that a two-minute Google search could just as quickly answer. For this reason, it is crucial at all times to be clear about what you mean. As far as possible, make headlines and descriptions informative and straightforward. My English teacher in secondary school would always say this, but I think it bears repeating. When writing, assume your audience knows absolutely nothing about the topic you're presenting and adjust your tone accordingly.

2) Most Disputes are Misunderstandings

For anyone that skimmed through the outline of the argument I wrote above, it's evident that my disagreement with the internet stranger was one of simple miscommunication. He interpreted the title of my article to mean one thing when I intended it to convey another. The war of words happened when we found difficulty in reconciling these two competing interpretations. He didn't understand what I was talking about, and I, for the life of me, couldn't understand what he was getting at. Recognizing the discrepancy between your vantage points can allow for conflict resolution far more quickly than would have occurred otherwise. Remember, positionality is everything, and arguments are context-dependent. We all bring our own baggage to conversations, and it informs the way we perceive the world. When approaching disputes, it's essential to take these blinders off so you can see the world and the other person more clearly.

3) Ditch The Keyboard Courage

I don't know what it is, but the internet seems to imbue people with a level of audacity and steely nerves that they lack in real life. Maybe it's the safety of knowing that you'll never have to confront the other person physically or the comfort that there are likely to be few consequences for your virtual actions. Whatever it is, we feel more empowered to slag off people online and speak to them in a way that we wouldn't dream of doing had it been a face-to-face conversation. Our inner confrontational self takes the reins, and we are overwhelmed with keyboard courage, our fingers flitting away typing biting retort after biting retort.

In these moments, it's necessary to pause and ask yourself: if I had this argument in real life, would I approach it in the same way? If no, why not? While there are several lessons we can learn from our no-holds-barred internet persona about confidence and self-assurance, one of its downfalls is its complete blindness to the other person as an individual worthy of dignity. Our internet self is often disrespectful, unapologetic and unfeeling. In your next conflict, endeavour to take a step back, breathe and think about what your regular self would do in such a circumstance.

4) Confront Your Personal Biases

I've been a fan of Avatar The Last Airbender since I was a child. I've watched every season multiple times and even own all of the graphic novels. When the internet stranger posed his question on Facebook, it felt like an attack on my knowledge of the show. His question might as well have been, "are you an idiot?" for all the pent-up anger and insecurity it inspired in me. I write all this to say that sometimes our responses to other people on the internet come from a place of deep insecurity and have very little to do with the actual content of their messages. I still believe his question could've been answered with a click on the link that I had shared instead of an arrogant response, but to demand that he change his tone is something outside of my control. We can't manage others' actions, but we can control our reactions to them and recognize how our biases govern these reactions. Confronting these biases can go a long way in preventing an extended pissing match with a stranger.

5) Know When To Bow Out

Some arguments are unwinnable and not worth expending your mental energy. Deep down, we know which these are. Often, they involve lots of back and forth laden with swear words and personal jabs. There comes a point in a dispute when it's not even about proving you're right anymore or getting the other human to see your way. When you arrive at this point, it's time to bow out and disentangle yourself from the situation. Doing so isn't easy, especially in the heat of the moment. In the argument above, I realized we were getting nowhere, that he was unwilling to see things my way, and I was also not going to acquiesce to his point of view. After about twenty minutes of back and forth, of eagerly waiting for a ping alerting me that he had responded, I decided to hang it up and live to fight another day. This was not the hill I was willing to die on. Save yourself a whole lot of mental grief and anguish by backing out of useless internet battles when you realize that they will ultimately end in a stalemate.

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I don't typically interact with other users angrily online. My response to minor annoyances is to exit the app, cool off, reset and approach it with a new mindset. However, this time, I had a pretty nasty back and forth with a stranger on the internet that I am not proud of. After deconstructing the argument in my head for way too long (as is my tendency), I uncovered five important insights we should take into every bit of conflict online. Conflict in the virtual space is inevitable. The internet connects a large swath of people with differing opinions, backgrounds and approaches to life, so disagreements are bound to occur. We can't control the fact that conflict arises, but we can adjust our outlook to avoid virtual sparring matches like the one I endured.

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