We.Were.Friends

Had a friend once.

He hung up on me when I asked why I didn’t get invited to his wedding. Someone told me, ‘he obviously has feelings for you’, as tears flowed effortlessly from my eyes across my inflamed cheeks and fell on my broken heart.

'Lame' was my only response. I truly didn’t want to consider it. I wanted to hold on to my truth that he would have made a way even if I said years ago we could be anything more than what we are. I over explained the obvious of being new college graduates with loans we hadn't a clue of how to pay, too young to not spread our wings, and that I most poignantly was too broken and could afford to loss him or myself in the name of.

Never have been one to believe that just because you couldn’t accept that YOU made a chose or lose focus of your life desires or couldn't fully embrace the aftermath meant taking it out on the ones who've loved you even in your faults.

He effort in reaching out was sent by DM on IG....."I miss you I hope...", I didn’t open the message.

We. We’re. Friends.

Now, I have to accept that you can’t offer me anything in this life, you devalued our love for each other destroyed years of nostalgia. The most valuable thing we have for one another collectively as humans. Let alone the special WE shared.

That day you came to my dorm after work with food from work, I slept on top your belly and took a cat nap so deep the drool could have cemented us together.

You saved my life when I was on the edge of alcohol poisoning with Miso soup just to watch me throw it up again.

We argued like and old married couple that day at the train station. I was beyond hungry and tired from being on set and you always did your damnedest to be attentive to my first world skinny bitch needs and it never felt right asking you to pay for anything knowing I had spent my last red cent on my train ticket.. You forgave me, the food we ordered was shit and we critized it like the foodies we were trained to be. The train arrived late yet we went our separate ways per usual.

But I knew I would always have to come to you.

I’ve been heartbroken countless times by boys. Have lost greatly behind being in love romantically.

But, you?

Geeez. I even asked you to audition with me for what turned out to be my second feature film that was awarded in two categories at the Tribeca Film Festival.

I can’t trust you now, you know I’m the realest and can take a blow. Without all the extra explanation, you simply didn’t have to do me like that.

Don’t know what idiot said we treat those closes or that we love the most, the worst. I do know that said weakness isn’t acceptable in my life. Life’s hard enough without unnecessarily taxing it with things you know you’ll spend more time avoiding and not taking accountability for.

A cinematic tear fell seeing your message.

That one solo tear that doesn’t glaze the eye, it just falls from no where. Well, not nowhere.

Tears like those come straight from the heart. No need to conjure up any emotions. The last drop.

Tears fall again as I write.

Now, I am perched in the distance no longer the pray of love lost and friendships had.

Where does one allow options in being so lost and consumed by loss. This is all I have left in me to survive. If time had simply passed since we last spoke and honesty, vulnerability was shared verses being hung up on, would a tear of silence and last drop of love have fallen?

I came to you like always.