V-Day Away

Written by: Commissar Stone - February 23, 2021

My partner of thirteen years was with their BFF on Valentine’s Day. Oh, the shock! Oh, the horror! Is something wrong? Are you guys ok?

One of the things I pride myself on the most about our relationship is that we define it as a partnership, not a marriage. A marriage implies the subordination of one person to the other, or property ownership over their body and soul. We both value each other and are committed to working together toward our goals on all levels, but we also value our freedom. This means we need to have an understanding that no matter how devoted we feel to each other, we are not the other person's property. Part of our lives before finding each other included other people. We had friends and family outside of our relationship, and to maintain those relationships it's important to remember that other people are still important to each other.

This Valentine's Day, my partner’s BFF (Best Friend Forever) experienced an emergency crisis. Over the course of our relationship, my partner had told me of the many times the two of them were off on some dashing adventure, a fun-filled night out, or a close call with the law. There was a bar fight or a few, and wild weekends in the woods that would make for a killer scary movie opening. Should I judge one's friendship based solely on a couple of heartbreaking times my partner was called away for support? If it were a one-sided friendship, perhaps, but that is not the case here.

My partner spent Valentine’s Day with their BFF because they needed to be there. I needed to work, but their friend needed help through a serious life crisis, so we were apart. Telling others that your partner isn't around for a special government-issued holiday, our one day per year they tell us we're supposed to celebrate our love, is like telling them divorce is pending. No matter what you say, they can't hear anything else. I feel certain they've taken bets on when we will break up and it makes me sad for them. I'm sad that they don't know the same kind of love and devotion I feel that supersedes all else. It goes way beyond any of the stereotypical "man owns woman" style of relationships. I know that my partner is there for the people they care about, the same way they're always there for me. In any and every way they can be. They're there to help a friend through hardship, the same way their BFF would be here if my partner needed them - in a heartbeat.

Being there, being supportive, and loving someone doesn't just extend to your immediate person, your partner, or your family. I love my friends too, and if they needed me to be there for them, I would be there. My partner knows this, as do I. To help our friends, we ourselves must be as strong as we can be. I know that my partner will do all they can to help their friend. I also know my partner will not overstep their ability to help by putting our livelihood in jeopardy. I know they would do the same for my friends, and I would hold myself to the same standard.

All this means that I, the other half of the partnership, must have a level of understanding and trust in their ability to judge a situation without my input. Their decisions impact our lives, our future, our ability to retire, pay debts, and live. Some people think I should feel jealous, like my partner chose, "bros before hoes or chicks before dicks” or however the saying would go for us. Some think that it's sacrilege to not be with my partner on the most sacred of greeting card and chocolatey holidays. In their eyes, any partner that would choose their BFF over their beloved life partner is shallow and unworthy of my time or attention.

Because I know my partner, my beast of a caretaker, my love, I know they would do the same for me. Scratch that—I know they would do more for me. I know that the boundaries they won't cross because they know that their choices affect my life too—that line would not be there if I was in trouble. So, I know that they would cancel all plans, and move heaven and hell, or destroy all that stand in their path if they had to, just to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay. I know my partner would call off a vacation or spend their life savings to make sure I'm safe. Emotionally, physically, mentally, they are my partner because they would die for me, they would kill for me, and they would go to the ends of the earth for me. As such, I am here for them. I am here to accommodate when my partner needs me. I am here for them, and they are here for me.

Together we are stronger than we are apart, but our community of friends are the same. Sometimes we need friends who will drop everything and be there. When you find someone like that who isn't an intimate partner, that's almost more important because they truly have no other reason to do a damn thing for you that slightly inconveniences them, except that they love you. Knowing we would always choose each other over others, doesn't always mean we have to. I know the severity of the situation before my partner leaves. I am aware of how powerful the need must be before reaching out to friends for help—before inconveniencing people's plans and asking them to rearrange their schedule for my sake. When a friend has reached that point, I know it is because they've already reached out to their family. Yes, a romantic date with my partner would have been great, but this time of need was greater for their friend. I can be jealous, but I am not. I can be unsupportive and make them feel guilty, but I choose to be supportive instead. In every way, I want to be there for my partner and encourage that loving part of them that needed to be there for their friend. That drive and passion I fell in love with is still there. All of us, friends and partners do as much as we can to help each other.

Our partnership is a long-term plan. What is one greeting card and chocolatey holiday compared to a lifetime together? What is one weekend when weighed against thirteen years? Or twenty, or thirty, or forty more to come?

Just as I knew things would be, after the crisis was resolved, we are back together again. This time we're stronger than before, because we have a new plan that includes our friends' well-being and safety. Their safety, well-being and happiness, is just as important to us, as we are to each other.

To those who say they could never be apart from their partner on Valentine's Day, I'm sorry they can't imagine how much I love and adore my partner in every way. After thirteen years, I’m more in love with them today than I was when we were young and skinny, and sexy. I’m sorry they are so accustomed to ownership of their partner that they deprive themselves of freedom and relationships outside their marriage. I’m sorry they can’t understand the immense love and devotion of friendships that feel like family, friendships that make us stronger together as a community, instead of shallow friendships that don’t extend beyond acquaintanceship, and I’m so thankful we have autonomy and choice because I think that kind of limited view of life is sad.