Unspoken Feelings

So this is what it is like being in a relationship with a busy man, that has a lot going on? I’m so used to having a man rely on me and just being up under me, I never knew what being in a relationship with a busy man was like. It is such ..a lonely existence. Unless it is just him, and he doesn’t like being around me.. I know a lot of busy men who are in relationships and they make time for their girl.. Or is it just me? Am I not enough for him? Or maybe he just doesn’t like being with me.. It just doesn’t make sense to me, because why waste your time being with me, when you could be with someone who fits your dynamic well, who doesn’t have to beg for your time.. Who begs for time? I don’t ask for much..

I mean how does it look to be wanting to go on dates but never being able to go.. Craving for conversations that will never be had.. Wanting to be held by you and not being able to because of whatever.. It is crushing me slowly. My heart breaks each time, and I'm trying to mend the cracks so that I can’t break completely but I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together.

Part of me wants to let go but my heart won’t allow me to. I’m so drained but I’m trying to be okay for me and you. I want to trust you, I want to speak life into the situation but when you’re built like me, a female who is suffering from relationship PTSD, and no one not even you can understand the pain of it all, but still I'm trying to trust although the signs are giving me all of a more reason to not to. How can you speak life into something when life isn’t even being spoken into you?

Being the epitome of delusional messes with my mind every time. I hate the fact that I am holding on to, “suffer in the beginning so that he will appreciate you later down the line” I kill myself. Feeling that the only way that he would love you more or even love you at all is if you suffer and endure the hardships without all the complaining and nagging because there is no safe space to express how you are feeling to the one who you claim you “love”. Well I don’t even need to put on my curly red wig, and red nose because I straight up look like a clown.

I’m so tense trying to keep my emotions in check even though my anxiety is getting the best of me. Trying to maintain my composure although I'm at my boiling point. The pressure of it all is getting to me, at this point I’m ready to give up, But knowing me I’m not, because I operate on emotions and based on that I'm not ready to stop. I just really needed to get this off my chest.. So don’t take this as complaining. I am very well aware of what I’m doing regardless of all the suffering and constant pining…