Unrequited Love... The Motion

"You're so sweet, any girl would be lucky to have you."

"You're such a compassionate guy, I don't know how you're single."

"I'm flattered but I don't feel the same way"

And that's just scratching the surface. I'm the guy who's second fiddle, the one that people see but nobody wants, or even the best friend. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Oh, great, a guy who's whining about how hurt he is over a girl." Relax, okay? I'm human, I'm allowed to have feelings just as much as the next person, I'm not Superman.

This is me. I'm Spider-Man, I'm amazing and all but I'm vulnerable as well. I've been used to getting rejected ever since I was in my teen years but I didn't start hearing all of the stuff I quoted earlier until I got to high school. I didn't think much of it because I wasn't entirely worried about being in a relationship but there were at least three gals, well technically two because one was only in high school with me during junior year, that I found myself going back to occasionally before I graduated. I met one gal at homecoming, I met another gal in my math class, and I met the one from junior year in my English class. They all have the same story and the same ending with me, I caught feelings for them at one point and I got rejected by them but I didn't have my first genuine heartbreak until I was 18 when I met a gal from my sociology class. I liked her, she liked me but the catch is that she liked other guys as well because I wasn't the only one. Summer of 2012, around August, she duped me and it was rough from there.

I did date for a bit again when I was 20 but it didn't work out. Then, from there, I've been getting led on and duped or more stupid shit happens. It just feels like I can't connect emotionally with someone I like anymore because if I try, I either know what will happen or I'll start to connect puzzles so I stick with one of two things. If I like a gal and I fancy her, that means we can hang out, we can do something together, it doesn't matter what we do because if I'm enjoying her company, that's all that matters to me but if I like her, then I don't want to do anything with her. I don't want to hang out or anything because if I'm around her, I'm just going to bait myself with something that I know that won't happen and I can't do that.

Now, all I do is stay away a lot because I put a warning label on myself and I'm more cynical towards everyone especially when it comes to the idea of me being in a relationship with someone, I just don't see it happening for me plus I'm standoffish and I look for reasons to keep people at an arm's length or farther to make it easier for me. Also, I don't talk very much either because I can never put how I'm feeling into words and it's worse when I like someone, I stumble on my own words or I'll talk for a second and I'll just stop out of nowhere. I'm so used to being rejected that it's all I know and it's easy to go through for me, the only difference is that it's a different gal.

There are times where I want to be in a relationship and all but I always remember why I'm not in one. There are a lot of reasons why I'm not but the main reason is that I don't deserve love or better yet, I can't have it because I'm bad, I never would've gone through what I have if I was any good. I also don't think I should be loved because everyone has standards that they want but I always know somehow that I'll never be enough.

I try to be the best guy that I can be when I like someone but that can only help me for so long. I'm not that guy anymore from high school who would just let anything happen to him when he likes someone, I'm the guy who has to think his way out of everything and wonder if it's all worth it anymore but I rarely do that anymore because the first thing I do is leave it all. Maybe it's a bad thing, maybe it's not but I can't be a part of the motion that I used to be in for almost 10 years anymore.