Unrequited

The first thing many tell you when giving advice on getting over someone, they say distance is the answer. How actively creating space between the both of you helps you heal and though partially true, no one ever really acknowledges how that all comes crashing down when you see them again in the flesh. You can go months, years without ever seeing them and once you do, all those wounds are re-opened once again. It is one of the most defeating feelings. All that progress you made and here you are back to sqaure one. And you come to the conclusion you are nothing but a lost cause. You thought you were strong enough to withstand the pain and agnony that they built around you but in reality you're still so weak and fragile.

It had been 4 months. The distance had closed and I had to face you once again. And we were like strangers. The air ran cold as our shoulders brushed past one another down the hallways. Whenever I glanced at you, you never were looking at me too. I couldn’t understand who you were. When surrounded by you friends you’re nonchalant, emotionless and closed off. But when there’s no one around you’re warm, joyful and you seem to care. And that’s what I thought I loved about you most but now my perception of you is blurred. Maybe I didn’t know you to begin with.

With some time of silence, I wouldn’t have expected it to be broken so suddenly. And I don’t think you did either.

A wispy cold night accompanied with booze and little tiny night lights on the balcony. Sometimes so called “parties” aren’t always necessarily a green light for let’s get shit faced. Sometimes you just want to unwind, get away from all the hustle and bustle from your life and just relax. And for a moment that’s what I thought but I didn’t know there was something else in store for me.

With can of alcoholic beverage in my hand I took in the fresh breeze from the night sky and me and my friends were unpacking our thoughts about what we thought would happen in the night. See what I looked forward to was your absence. Outta sight outta mind right? Well that was until you walked through the doors. “Jesus Christ you have got to be kidding me” Look you can call me dramatic but as soon as your presence poisoned the room it felt like the entire evening was ruined. Great, now I won’t be able to enjoy the party, so much for a relaxing night.

See the hurt and anguish transformed itself into anger and just “done” I stared into my empty reflection in the mirror and eventually straighten my shoulders and exhaled. Popped on the pair of sunnies on my head (though we were indoors but I wanted to be dramatic) And walked out with my head held high. As the door slammed open, I saw you glance at my silhouette before your eyes quickly averted my gaze. I scoffed and walked right past you. Cold. Unbothered.

No matter how hard I tried to match your ever so distant, numb and overall douchey attitude, it was near impossible when my feelings on the inside were the complete opposite. It’s just not fair. Why do you get to not care but all I do is care? Defeated, I sat in the tiny balcony sitting with barely any legroom, filter sticking out the side of my mouth with the paper rolling in my fingers. I shuddered as the breeze danced on my shoulders. Admittedly I was struggling to roll the cigarette but I barely had time to curse the dart when the sound of the glass door clicked open. I looked up and there you were. Staring at me with a warm smile. God that smile. How could I’ve stayed mad at that?

You were clearly intoxicated as your aura was so electrifying and bubbly. You were letting out these adorable giggles as you stumbled to take a seat in front of me. Our legs squished together on the cold contrete balcony. Your eyes reflected off the moonlight, glassy like tumbled shards of crystals. You slurred your speech and there kept being brief moments where you’d lean a little too close. Our breaths exchanged in only seconds before I pulled away, hesitatant. God that moment was so agonising, the blood rushed to my head and I started to get drunk off of you. You’d then grab my shoulders, excitedly smiling about ranting about something which I couldn’t remember but you eyes then fell on my lips, and your gaze wavered there for a moment. I watched you softly breathe, before I broke free from your grasp and awkwardly fumbled the cigarette, hands trembling as I continued to roll the sides, cursing under my breathe as my cheeks glew an amber red. I held my head down and I sensed you let out a soft chuckle till then a thump was heard. My head shot up and you were slumped on the glass. I rolled my eyes and lightly tapped your cheek to wake you. I called your name and all was heard was mumbles and groans. It was so strange seeing you like this. Vulnerable, clumsy and so pure. Discounting the fact you were acting like a drunk baby, I couldn't help but want to savour this moment as I had a feeling it'll be a once in a lifetime opportunity.

At this point I grew concerned as you seemed to be unresponsive, your stupid little noises stopped so I grabbed your face and gave your cheek three taps. "Can you hear me? __?" We got startled by the sound of the glass door opening, our heads shot up, frozen in the position. There my friend stood, her face just in pure shock. My hands were still holding your face so this was not a good look, this truly was a "wrong place wrong time" situation. She couldn't utter a word and the sheepish look on my face did not help my position, so I dropped your face and stood up in a hurry. Having to explain to my friend how it was just a mere coincidence that she caught us looking like we were about to make out when instead I was just trying to be a helping hand. Yet again this was all your fault, you just keep causing trouble for me don't you?

Why couldn't I stay away from you?

The party was at it's height and the pulsing music and echos of chatter became overwhelming. I just wanted to get away from the cluster of people so I went into the dim hallway, closed off from the chaos. Luckily it was suprisingly far more peaceful and my thoughts were more clear. But I can't explain why I then strided towards you, grabbed your wrist away from the group of girls you were talking to and dragged you into that dimmed hallway. I just wanted you to myself but you didn't object instead you stayed. Seconds of us gazing into each others eyes yet again but this time the gap between us closed. Hands were exploring, legs were intangled, breathes were frantic. It was needy, longing and intense. Like it would be the last time, and it was. I giggled as you pressed a kiss on my cheek and my hands pulled you by your neck closer to me. I loved how you were with me, you were the best version of yourself and for once I wanted to be selfish and keep that all to myself. The sounds of the party chatter felt like it was inside a box and we were the only ones making noise. Everyone else, tucked away while we were left. You and me.

And that was it, you left me in the hallway and not any word was uttered to one another for the rest of the night. We were strangers once again. The sounds were amplifyed again, everything was loud once again. It felt like I gave a piece of myself to you, every single time it would be bit by bit, until there was nothing more of me to give.

Then there was the last time, familiar atmosphere, crowded groups, booze and room for mistakes. School was finished, and my heart for such a long time dreaded this. As I finally had no more reasons to see you anymore. But as always the world always has a way to twist the knife deeper and just make me savour the very last moments of you before it was all over. Knowing this was the last time I hoped to have one of our silly, private and meaningful exchanges, it didn't matter the circumstance. Whether you'd steal another kiss from me, insult me or even say you never wanted to see me again it didn't matter. The most shitty part of drinking is when you drink to escape. When you want to temporarily erase thoughts you are having because it doesn't make it go away, in fact it amplifies it and makes those thoughts more louder, darker.

Here I was passed out on the couch in the corner because my weak self could not even handle the sight of you walking in. The LED lights dancing around your figure as you once again looked so cold and unbothered. So me being idiotic and heartbroken as I was thought "let's drink to forget" Funny enough I always remember. I saw the gazes of you and your friend as you both sat far from the couch, watching me passed out. My mind felt so stupid and embarressed but there wasn't anything I could do. I was shit faced. But a huge part of me couldn't handle the humilation so I needed to get out of there. I don't know how but I manage to stumble into the fresh breeze that welcomed my face. It slapped me back onto Earth and I took a moment to soak everything in. And it hit me. Nothing I can do will make me forget you. Nothing.

Cars driving by were the only thing to be heard but nonetheless it was quiet. Your friend then walked out.

Small talk.

Laughter over old memories.

Reminiscing.

Silence.

"You love him don't you?" He softly smiled, looking my way.

Silence.

Without looking at him I said.

" You already know the answer to that, I don't want to say it out loud."

"Yeah, I know."

The air outside sobered me up. Which resulted in the worst come down. I was aware of every feeling I felt every second that passed.

You and your friend slowly started to get plastered, I knew this because you actually spoke to me without me having to initiate it. But as you spoke all I wanted to do was just leave. Because it wasn't you I was talking to. You were doing the thing you always do. Pretend. Act. Conceal. So I decided to leave. Though the party was still at it's height, I couldn't stand another second being there, I grabbed my bag and headed for the driveway. I quickly said my goodbyes to your friend and he immedietly insisted on walking me to my car. He even wanted to greet my mother. I agree and we both headed towards the driveway and we bumped into you. I forced myself to look you in the eyes and give a quick and awkard wave and said.

"I'm gonna get going now"

You look surprised at my sudden departure and then you friend chimed in suggesting he should come along to say hello to my mum. And I would've never expected you to say yes. But you did. I mean you were tipsy after all.

It was not the best greeting with your friend tripping over the curb and yelling my mother's name as we approached the car but it was very sweet regardless. You both started to rave on about the engine sound my car made and I opened the car door. I said goodbye and walked into your arms for a quick hug. I made sure to hug you a little tighter. I told you to take care. And you said you will. There was a moment of hesitance before the sound of the car door shutting. That's it. It was over.

The rusty yellow lights of the highway tunnel reflected off my wet eyes. As tears slowly formed. I needed to let you go, but I didn't know how. It killed me inside knowing I wouldn't see you again but maybe it's for the best. I needed time to heal.

I still do.