Undiscovered Love

Do I love him? hmm, thats a question I don't even know the answer to. Yes, he makes me feel everything like it's the first time i've felt it. Yes, he makes my heart pound a million times a second. Yes, when he kisses me, touches me, looks at me i begin to melt and everything feels right, all the pain and sadness is gone. Yes, every time i'm with him it's nothing but comfort and happiness, is this what love is?

I thought that i loved Rinck but with him everything was forced, not my love for him but to keep the relationship.. to keep it from crumbling so i tried to find ways to better myself hoping that if i did it would help our relationship to survive. It didn't, while i was giving him all of me, everything i had all the love, comfort and protection that i could give anyone he took it with a grain of salt. Taking advantage of me, knowing i loved him so much and so strongly that i wouldn't leave.. and he was right... in the beginning. With him everything was always my fault, i was constantly apologizing for his jealousy and guilty conscious. I apologized for him accusing me of cheating while i was laying in our bed, home alone, waiting for him to come home while he was out drinking with his friends. I apologized for him getting angry and punching in our bathroom door multiple time because you couldn't hit me, i sat home alone fixing the door while he was out with god knows who. I apologized for working a full time job, being a full time student, and being to tired to show him the love and affection that he was craving.. so he looked other places and i apologized for that too. You on the other-hand, you accept me for all of my flaws and it's a feeling that makes me cry tears of joy. You make me feel loved with just the way you look at me.

Is this the moment where i should be telling you how I feel, or is the point in time where i stay quite and admire from afar? would you feel scared of what i'm telling you or would it bring you closer to me? if i told you "i love you" would you say it because you meant it or would you say it because you felt like you had too? As fast as my heart is pounding, i swallowed my own pride, put on my big girl pants and decided to test the waters. Start off small and see where it takes me, good or bad i needed to know your response. Although this is going to come out of nowhere for you, you provided the perfect opportunity for me. "It's now or never, just do it- be a little honest with your feelings for him, maybe he feels the same way" just continued to repeat over and over in my head until i clicked send on the message i typed out.

And guess what?... you did.

We were talking about meeting each others parents and i was honest about what that would do to my anxiety which i knew you would understand. When i told you that Rinck was the only one who met my parents and it was an accident- you asked me why, why didn't i want them to meet Rinck? why didn't i want them to meet you yet? and when i told you that i only let my parents meet the person i'm dating if we are 100% serious and moving towards marriage, that i was an old fashioned Mexican. Instead of getting upset or hurt, you explained your side but started the sentence saying you respect me and would never force me to change anything that makes me uncomfortable or that changes my cultural beliefs - you also said religious beliefs but you knew i wasn't religious. In that moment, my heart grew more and more reading the messages you were sending. The fact that you are willing to do what makes me comfortable, instead of arguing and forcing me to introduce you to them or not wanting to meet them at all, makes me fall more and more for you, the perfect response from a perfect man. With your response i had to take the opportunity to tell you, I had to remind myself "you're just dipping your toes in the shallow end of the water, you got this." I took a deep breath, let out a "fuck it" and clicked send letting you know that i was falling for you hard and fast.

As i nervously waited for your response, i would find anything to distract myself with. What felt like hours of time passing by faster and faster, longer and longer with no response just the continuous of my throat tightening and listening to the sound of my heart pounding, was really only 6 minutes of waiting. The moment my screen lit up its normal way, a wave of purple going in a clockwise rotation and your name popping up with the first line showing only, "oh Jesus fuck," my heart sank just reading that first line, i knew i fucked up. My breath began to shallow, until i opened the message fully and saw the rest, that's when my heart beat when back to normal and I could breath again... "oh Jesus fuck i'm not the only one that felt that way. Thank god," that sentence made my heart sore and i felt whole again, you continued to tell me how you felt, the more i read, the more my heart grew bigger than my smile will ever be able to show.

I think i do love you.