Falling from cloud 9
It's cold without you here to hold me. It slaps me in the face like a dark winter night. I told you I would love you for forever and as you said the same, your soul was telling a lie and you stayed silent. I fell in love with you so quickly and fast, with no hesitation or limitations but I thought you were reciprocating my feelings, at least thats what you told me. Never once did I think it was one sided until the sun started to set at five on a Friday morning and my gut told me to do something I knew was going to crush and kill me but was making me hope that I was just being paranoid and you would come out clean and trustworthy. As I sat on the floor of our bedroom with your phone in one hand, unlocked and ready and my phone in my other hand ready to capture any secrecy as you slept so heavily. My heart began to throb, my throat clenched and my stomach turned in ways I never thought it could. As I went from app to app, text to text, note to note, it came very abundantly clear that I wasn't being paranoid and you didn't love me the way I thought you did.
The fate of my soul
You never know how music will hit you and what it will do to you until the moment it stops everything you're doing in your tracks and really makes you listen, possibly putting you in your feels. It's always at unexpected times but when it happens its magical. The moment i listened to Indie rocker Taylor John Williams, his remastered version of The Mates of Soul touched me in a way i never thought it would. Before i met Ray i was in a previous relationship for six years, oh did i think i was inlove with this boy but i was just infatuated with him you see. I gave this boy everything i had, i was ready to be his wife and he was ready to slip into the next chick who was ready to spread his legs for him, until he got another girl pregnant. I never would have known that he was cheating just always felt it in my gut if it was for the blessing in disguise, Stephanie.
Do I love him? hmm, thats a question I don't even know the answer to. Yes, he makes me feel everything like it's the first time i've felt it. Yes, he makes my heart pound a million times a second. Yes, when he kisses me, touches me, looks at me i begin to melt and everything feels right, all the pain and sadness is gone. Yes, every time i'm with him it's nothing but comfort and happiness, is this what love is?
Its hard to fall for you when my heart is torn, torn into something.. a feeling, ive never felt in my life. I thought I loved someone who tore me into a million pieces all for their own selfish games. Found an ammusement out of it somehow, watch me fall further and further into the darkness and they were the evil smile i saw while walking further into the shadow who was swallowing me whole, everything i had, was gone. For a moment i thought he was my light.. but in reality, he's the one who destroyed me. I am not this weak, insecure woman he pounded into my brain but yet an exhilirating woman who is strong, independent and trusted by many. I am others light in this dark world, when all falls i am smart and resourceful, i am forgiven and protected by my own love for myself.. I am my own hero, warrior and knight. For a moment i was lost in your eyes and everything hemade me feel , drained away but when a small amount of information of you surfaced up, my version of you crashed and nothing felt the same. I began to get in my head, focus on the negative, get distant when i just wanted to crawl into your arms and have you be mine forever, what is wrong with me? but then i look at you and i get lost all over again.