U Mad Bro?

My mind is a cloud of shit right now.

I feel like I'm at war with everyone and it's stressing me out. My neighbors wnt a win-win scenario with our shared side yard, and I just want to run them out of town, demolish their house, and forcefully take over their land.

What's worse is the attitude I have toward the people who are just trying to calm me down. I'm not exactly sure what my brain is thinking, but it is irrationally attacking everyone. I fear if this continues, I'll end up very much alone. Suddenly, the thought of people trying to calm me down is comforting. If I continue to burn bridges, I'll certainly find myself in an unfavorable desert island scenario, with nothing but my bitter thoughts to nourish me.

Here's the long and short of it:

I'm not starving, I'm not freezing to death, I'm not in danger.

I have what I need to survive. Sharing a fence with a car enthusiast on one side and poorly managed rental properties on the other sides are what sane people would call 'small potatoes'.

The more I think about this strange anger, the less I think it has to do with my neighbors. Unfortunately, I don't know enough about psychology to know what the hell is going on.

I find sneezing to be incredibly satisfying.

Is it weird that I use the same trimmer for my balls, beard, arms, and back?

Writing this down hasn't solved my problems, but it has calmed me down and helped me realize that I'm really fucking lucky.

09AUG2021, Jackson Sherry @redbeardvisions

Dopamine vs. Mindfulness

Lately, I've been feeling like a ping-pong ball getting thwacked back and forth between the two players.

Player one is dopamine. The molecule of more.

I want more.

I want a better house, sans parents. I want the kind of success people rave about on social media. I want the power and influence to be able to help others on a large scale. I'm finding myself grasping for the next thing, which is exactly what the Buddhists don't do.

On the other hand, I don't think it's necessarily bad to want things and have goals, provided one doesn't become attached, and is still able to enjoy life in the present moment with what they have.

Player two is Mindfulness.

This player wants nothing, they simply enjoy life as it comes.

I find this to be most helpful for my mental health. When I'm feeling this way, I don't need to worry about what's coming next, I simply enjoy my existence. From a modern, western perspective, this is pretty boring.

Personally, I'd like to find the middle ground between the two, without the constant feeling of being smacked from one end of the table to the other. This is obviously easier said than done. I think I can be happy in the moment AND have goals and desires. Working out how is where things get tricky.

I'm constantly experimenting with morning and daily routines, looking for the ones that allow me to have this balance. Tinkering with my routines and reflecting on the outcomes is a process that will probably last my entire lifetime, but I think that's part of what makes life so interesting.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the only place I want to be is right here, right now. Figuring out how to level up and chase your dreams is what makes life so fun and interesting. It's like a puzzle with constantly moving and changing parts. It'll never get together exactly the way you want it to, but it's still pretty fun.

10AUG2021, Jackson Sherry @redbeardvisions