Turkey Day For One

I threw on my sage green Carhart hoodie over my long john shirt. It looked freaking cold outside but I wanted something to drink. Something with a kick that wouldn't make this day feel so bad! I totally had forgotten it was the day before Thanksgiving. My #2 favorite holiday. Halloween of course takes the lead on that one. Both for very different reasons. Halloween for the day is all about sugary sweets and playing dress-up in the land of pretend. Thanksgiving for my love to cook and nurture. Having my family and friends gathered to share in catch-up stories, playful bantering and, recipe exchanges... all with a background of colorful fall leaves that can barely be seen as the fresh snow has begun to drown out everything.

So on top of the day having a horrible feeling, the ground was covered with a film of snow, which had begun to melt. This meant the walk from my house to the nearest liquor store was going to be cold and wet. This time of year, I normally would be stressed out. Playing timelines over in my mind as to how early I should wake up. To get the turkey in the oven and begin making pies. When to turn on the cream corn and what temp to put the crockpot at. This year, I had not purchased one food item in regards to Turkey Day! I really thought this year I would be okay with that. I have been feeling under the weather so I planned on making it a self-care day. One that included a relaxing bubble bath, face masks and, a cold beer with a picture of mountains that were fully blue.

Gold star to you for having great taste if you got that reference!

Instead, I was bundled up and getting ready to walk to the bar! Side note here... as my good fortune would have it, my honda pilot took a darn good smash to the passenger side of it. A lady from Wyoming missed the cue of the solid red light and stopped on impact at 40 mph, with my car. Wouldn't you know that wasn't even the best part of all of that? Of course, she was not insured and I only have liability insurance on mine. Now I am a proud owner of a hunk of junk with really great tires! So... now I walk!

The night sky was again a deep black. The air was blowing and felt cold against my skin. As I was only wearing the hoodie and no gloves or hat, my fingers immediately felt cold. I pulled the hood up over my head and tucked my fingers into my front pocket. The side of town I live on made this walk pretty stupid of me but I was determined. I picked up the pace with my steps in hoping I would make it in less than 45 mins. My map app said it would take 46 mins to arrive at the location and being that of a competitive person, I wanted to get there before the set timeframe. It gave me something to focus on.

Being that of an overthinker, I began to go over the reasons for the emotions I was feeling overwhelmed by. Thoughts kept rolling around my brain that appeared in the form of a short film. A flash-back to that night and into the early hours of the morning. The moment someone (my horrible person of a neighbor) posted on Facebook a picture to a community group page, that showed a long line of fire trucks parked in front of my house, along with police cars, ambulances, and those curious about the source the blast sound came from. "Welp, the meth house blew up" is what kind words he shared with a Facebook community page of over 3k followers. Not only was I losing my home and everything in it, but my reputation was also getting slain! Followers commented, "can you please make this shareable", and other threatening comments towards me. A person they had never met and had no clue I was losing everything, and not due to meth, but a natural gas leak! I am the furthest thing from a meth-head! It was a gas leak that my family and I had no warning against as the rotten egg smell had been absorbed into the soil prior to filling up my home. The room smelt musty... not deadly!

This would kick off a mini adventure for the next four months, as I lived in hotels until my home could be rebuilt and once again safe. As I shoveled through the burned remains of my home, the smoke smell and, ash I was stirring up, made it difficult breathe. Coughing and gasping for air, my tears could not be contained. I could make out hand-paint of small finger prints on a burned ornament. A picture of my son in melted plastic all twisted out of place. A timeline of holiday sentimental gifts as my children had grown... all gone!

I screamed out loud, as I continued walking down the road in pure darkness... "This isn't fair! Does anyone understand how much this time of year hurts for me? Does anyone get that?" By now I am sobbing and the snot is pouring out of me. Such a classy image of me! My emotions turned from sadness to anger. I replayed over in my mind the number of times my family, friends and, children came to help me rebuild my home. How they all sat in the background as I suffered. Yet, there was something that told me that is how it was meant to be. A gut feeling that told me to feel calm. That everything in my life had to be gone in order for me to open my eyes and follow the path meant for me. To finally live a life that felt good and right for once!

I know how crazy that sounds... trust me!

Don't think I enjoy the fact I am a sentimental person and was currently being forced to lose or walk away from everything I have ever known and loved. To me, that is the definition of hell! I am currently in a state of life that is comparable to hell and yet, my emotions were becoming more even and my fears were lessening.

How can that be?

I feel like I have been fighting something that I shouldn't. Whether it is a person, a place, or whatever... maybe, it was time I gave in. Let whatever is meant to happen next for me, happen! Trust me, I am a smart woman and I don't believe in life being fated, or some prewritten destiny. I believe you live your life based on the choices you make. Yet, it was not based on any choices I had made to lose everything... this was not something I had caused. It just happened and it was devastating!

To top off my night of hot mess emotions, there was a turkey sitting on the ground. I could see the bright white packaging as I walked closer to my front door. My fingers could barely bend to grab it and take it inside. The walk to and from the store had me frozen solid. I slammed it down on the top of my kitchen counter. I couldn't believe it... I got a turkey. On the eve of Turkey Day. Well, the universe had once again spoken!

Folks, I was going to be baking a turkey. Huh, who would of thought?

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a shot of cinnamon whiskey. You know the kind that comes in a ten pack and is under my budget of $6.50. I knocked it back in one swig and regretted not having a chaser ready, as my eyes watered up from the burning sensation. Continuing to work through my thoughts and emotions... I must have paced back and forth a thousand times, staring at that dang turkey.

Why in the heck is this stupid holiday haunting me?

As I fell asleep, I didn't feel sad, or angry, or anything. I felt numb. I slept well past the timeframe to have the turkey cooked for an afternoon meal. The four-plus hours would put my turkey past a normal dinner time, but it would be cooked! Luck would have it, I also had potatoes that needed to be cooked. Along with some potato water and turkey juices meant I would also be able to make some of my famous gravy!

As I dished up my plate, I jokingly yelled out... "Turkey dinner is ready for the party of one"! My puppy Meso, drooling at my feet... "I stand corrected, make that a party of 1.5"!

I got up, I baked, I cooked... I made it through another holiday I dreaded since that horrible day! I also believe this shape formed on my face... the one you refer to as a smile!

Happy Thanksgiving after, all!