Transmogrification

Today I am feeling lost, confused, scared, and angry. At the same time, I am feeling hopeful, peaceful, determined, and focused. I have been experiencing this juxtaposition of emotions thus far this year. I have to move out of my current home, find a new one and simultaneously find a new job. My bedroom, or as of late, I refer to it as my prison, is filled with packing boxes. Every day I pack something. However, I have been packing my belongings since the beginning of this year. The new year started with me determined to put into motion my desire to move to a new home, obtain a job in a different field, finish writing my book, and start a new life. I knew the transition would not be easy, but I did not consider the range of emotions.

As my room becomes an empty vessel, I attempt to see the horizon of a new beginning. I use the term 'attempt' because I feel like I am in a storm that obstructs my view. I know the storm will end, but right now, I am fighting to survive it. Change is overwhelmingly emotional and deserves discussion - discussions of evolution as a process only connotate being good or bad. With the whirlwind of emotions experienced, the best I can compare is the mental state of feeling crazy.

I resolve to change these feelings. I declare within myself to modify my negative emotions with confidence in the process. I fixate on seeing the end of the storm. I am determined to bring to fruition the version of myself that I truly am. There will be no crying or feeling sorry for myself. I have to bring about the change I have wanted for years. I have changed before, and I made it through the process. I will make it through the process again.

I see myself being successful in the change process. I see myself at the end of the storm, watching it move onto another place. I do not look around at the storm's devastation; I move forward into a new environment. I do not bring into my new environment my old way of thinking or behaving. The way I speak is different, the way I look is other, and the way I live is different. Something as simple as not taking with me the dining room table I bought in my old phase of life impregnates my future with new possibilities. Exercise will reshape my body into the one I desired to have as a child. An increase in my reading and returning to school will continue to broaden my knowledge. Living alone will modify my diet and provide the being of peace. Tasting and cooking different foods will tingle my palate with sensations I have never felt when eating.

This change process is bringing about freedom for me - the opportunity to be someone different. Just as a company rebrands itself by changing its name, I have changed mine. As I type this story of a sort, I feel the building up of anticipation- excitement even. In the background of the room, the tv promulgates the sounds of the Willy Wonka movie. I have always felt that film invokes emotions, thoughts and, the belief that anything is possible. The little boy in the motion picture cannot give in to the idea that he has not won the contest. He has to try one last time, he has found by his luck money on the ground, and he runs into the store to buy that candy bar with the last golden ticket. That is me, never giving in to the thought that I have lost. I can never accept that there is no other way. I have to keep trying; I have to think of another way because I will win the golden ticket.

The advice I can provide to readers of this story, there is hope. Things may look dim or hopeless right now, but there is always the possibility that things will look better in the next moment. You have to see past the moment that you are experiencing.