Training Wheels 💕

I often find myself meandering back to that cold January night... with the usual gaggle of characters in the Junior Ranks' Mess.

I'm not sure, even now, if it was the man... or the manner in which he was packaged that caught my eye. I could never resist a man in uniform, after all.

He was single and unavailable... or so they said. As for me? I wasn't convinced... and so I approached him with the confidence of a Madame and the simplicity of a child... no strings... I simply wondered what he'd say.

"So, I understand you aren't available... That you have suffered a broken heart?"

He looked at me in that funny, odd way men do when they can't quite master the motives of a woman of interest.

Time stretched out beyond itself until, finally, he spoke. "That's correct..."

Just as quickly as he spoke it, I thanked him for his honesty. I turned—as if only half interested—feeling the intensity of his desire on the back of my neck as I walked away.

Influence was always so much more potent than control.

I imagined I'd seduced him... burrowed into his soul in ways that could only be illuminated if he chose to immerse himself...

"Wait..."

It was that single word, hanging in the air... 27 years ago... that changed everything I knew about intimacy... about desire... and friendship.

His name was Sean Hennessy, and when I met him, neither of us were ready for anything other than figuring out the significance of our own speck of dust in the universe.

Me? I was in love with being in love... and seeking to understand people on a much grander scale than a more traditional commitment could afford.

What unfolded became the messy, chaotic and illuminating beginnings of what I now call 'Intimate Friendship.'

Now, for those of you who will stop here and plug the term into Google, I want to make it very clear. This manner of engagement lacks the casual 'convenience' and often less than monogamous flavor of 'Friends with Benefits.'

So, what is an 'intimate friend'... and why would I want one?

An Intimate Friendship is intentional.

We live in a complex time. As the nature of relationships continues to shift, more women are choosing to be single and the majority of men are unsure of how to authentically show up in the world of relationship.

Intimate friendship offers a way to navigate these complexities, a way to discover what we want—and don't want—as well as providing a clear and honest mirror of reflection we wouldn't see inside our own limited box of perceptions.

The primary intent, then, is to intentionally do the inner work of relationship at a time when neither person is in a traditional engagement and when either or both are not ready for a life partner.

What is your individual intent?

"I would like to have a better relationship with vulnerability, or I might like to become better at listening or respecting boundaries," for example.

Everyone's intent is about their own personal exploration and growth.

It is an act of service.

It requires an agreement to hold space and support each others' growth.

Intimate friends offer each other the gift of 'Relational Training Wheels'—a gift that will better prepare them for future long-term engagements.

In short, what do you practice? Whatever you practice, you will become very good at it.

Intimate Friendship is reciprocal.

It is never one-sided. Although there is always a natural ebb and flow in any healthy relationship, an Intimate Friendship is based on the value of reciprocity.

If you are the only person growing, you are no longer in the energy of reciprocity and it is time to have a conversation... "Maybe we are getting off track from our original intent..." or "I feel like something has changed..."

It is transparent.

It is reasonable for both people to ask for and expect transparency.

Feelings may sometimes come up in this type of engagement that confuse and complicate things. The time may come when one or the other person begins to form an attachment or is ready for something more or just different.

It is okay—and even necessary—for us to speak up and share a change of heart or a readiness to move on, as long as it is done in kindness.

Intimate Friendship is loving.

If you are not ready, willing, or able to love (not necessarily in a romantic sense, but to genuinely care about another human), an intimate friendship may not be for you. It could be that you need to do some healing before you are able to open your heart enough to hold space for another.

It is both temporary and committed.

While the physical intimacy is typically temporary, the friendship is certainly not, and both people are committed to their growth.

Both need to be doing what they set out to do.

If I begin with the intent to grow and I stop that growth, I am no longer in right relationship. Right relationship happens when both people are on the same page and engaging from that mutual perspective and agreement.

It is honest.

I can't stress this one enough. Emotional honesty and the safe container for vulnerability are the cornerstones of Intimate Friendship.

In fact, in the 10+ years I have explored and developed the work of Intimate Friendship, I found the single most significant difference between this way of relating and a long-term commitment was the level of honesty.

While most of us strive to be honest, our level of honesty often drops when the fear of losing an important relationship increases.

This is, perhaps, why we often see a deeper sharing and willingness to disclose during the honeymoon phase of most traditional relationships, as this pre-commitment stage lends itself well to a fear-less exploration of possibilities.

In more scientific terms, the presence of an oxytocin-rich environment masks many of the fears that might, otherwise, be present.

It is important to note that this deeper kind of 'in-to-me-see' can leave us feeling truly naked—a depth that is necessary for growth and self-awareness but, sadly, rare... or at least less-common than other types of engagements.

So, why wouldn't I have the same level of honesty and support in a platonic friendship or a more traditional, long-term committed relationship?

The depth and nature of Intimate Friendship is something most of us typically won't find in a platonic friendship. After all, sex changes everything!

In fact, sexual engagement and expression are some of the most unhealed areas of the human psyche. They take us to the very edges of our vulnerability and, if we care to look there, we have no choice but to see the truth of our intimate struggles.

Let's face it... few of us share this kind of deep vulnerability even with our closest friends. In my many years as a Relationship Coach, I have seldom observed this level of raw sharing even between life-partners (unless it is a deal-breaker—a necessary disclosure for the continuation of the relationship).

Now, I am not saying it is impossible to foster this manner of depth and honesty in either a platonic friendship or a traditional, long-term commitment, but it is a tall-order and rare, indeed, that we are courageous enough to go there with our most valued attachments.

So, in this relatively new world of serial monogamy—where our mistakes in love can often have the power to tear apart our families, damage our children and break our hearts—how do we get it right? How do we learn how to be in a healthy relationship in the absence of one?

Clear, honest and above-board practice.

Training Wheels - How to ask for what we need

To truly do justice to the question of asking for what we need, we first need to acknowledge the historical context in which we are having the conversation.

Generally speaking, we have wounded each other in a variety of ways throughout history. We have weakened the faith-bond between the genders and created an undercurrent of mistrust that tends to show up when our sense of vulnerability is most heightened.

It is as if there is a kind-of cold war between the sexes and it is treated as 'the elephant in the room' few of us seem to address in our first conversations with each other.

While we may see ourselves as open-minded—the request for an Intimate Friendship is sure to be filtered through the woundings both genders still carry, often outside of their conscious awareness.

So, what does that look like in reality?

A woman, for example, may typically be wary of the motives of a man who wants to engage outside of the intent of a traditional commitment - even if she is also not ready to commit. On some level, she may feel this way despite not having known a man long enough to mistrust him.

Men, alternatively, may often feel this is not something that can be asked for without running the risk of misunderstanding their intent for friendship, growth and mutual respect as a ploy for casual, uncommitted sex.

The Conversation

I have found that the easiest and most effective way of having this conversation begins with understanding what an Intimate Friendship is, and is not.

Sharing this article, for example, can lead to further discussion about individual values and experiences, bringing clarity to whether one or both people are ready and open to this way of engaging.

"What do you think?" is usually all that is needed to gather information that precludes the decision to sort out the logistics.

"What would that look like for us?" offers the opportunity to make clear agreements for communication, as well as the rules of engagement (a very individual process).

When you hit that bump in the road, or a need for change shows up—as it inevitably will—go forward, make new agreements as necessary and honor each others' choices. It is important for both of you to live inside your values.

My Final Word?

Intimate Friendship is not for everyone. It is a gift when it is offered or agreed to and should be treated as such—in the energy of gratitude and reciprocity.

You will make mistakes. When you do, go back and clean them up. Gain clarity, give yourself permission to be human, and remember that compassion, intent, and awareness are everything.