Toxins

It began from the moment you and I crossed paths.

We were two broken souls, desiring to find that special someone to glue us back together; a temporary fix, if you will. There you were, with your dark skin and pearly white teeth. And there I was, intoxicated and not giving a damn about the rest of the world. Oblivion struck me from the moment that I saw you. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, yet everything did not seem to matter anyway.

We caught each other’s glances a few times that night, before you decided to sweep me off of my feet, literally. The sound of Bachata surrounded us, as we poured our emotions out dancing. You claimed to have felt something at that moment. Silly me, I fell for it. I fell for you, thinking that you would catch me, only to later find out, that you were the one who pushed me instead.

And yet there you were, with your charming words and handsome smile. There I was, pregnant and emotional. I was scared, and you comforted. You proposed and promised me the world in front of our friends, and I said yes. I was happy, or so I thought I was. Maybe it was just my hormones after all.

The day we were suppose to get married, you hesitated. The day we went to my first ultrasound for our baby, you hesitated. When we moved into our first place together and we were going to buy furniture, you hesitated. When I opened up to you and shared something about my past, you judged and hesitated. You wanted to walk away and never come back, but yet you still stayed. I thought maybe because you did love me, or maybe because you were not finished using me yet.

There were so many red flags in which I have refused to pay attention to. They turned into toxins, slowly absorbed by my mind and heart. I let you inject more into me for every altercation we had. I thought I could take it all and turn it into something sweet. But instead, it turned me into someone I could not even recognize anymore.

Vain and ignorance defined you, while insecurity and embarrassment drowned me. Every bit of toxin inside of me started to seep out in the form of pain and anger, anxiety and depression, paranoia. I could not control myself anymore. Every piece of my heart I gave to you, came back as needles stabbing me in my head. Who have I become? And most importantly, why did I let it change me?

Years later, I have decided to finally let go. No more holding back. No more fighting for “us”. I no longer cared how silly I looked crying my eyes out until they were red and puffy and that I could no longer breathe out through my nose. I just wanted all of the pain gone, all of the toxins gone. And as excruciating as it was from letting it out slowly, to finally letting it all out at once, I finally am at peace.

So, I thank you. I thank you for introducing my mind and body to such poison. You have vaccinated me from such disease. I am stronger now. I am better now. I am happier now. Because, and most importantly, I am without you. Give Karma my kind regards.