To the Lost and Lonely People in the World

So I've never been one to have a lot of friends. I had a small group of friends from the start. Over the years, you can imagine how that small group slowly decreased in numbers until there was just me and one other person left in that group. Last night, that last person and I had a falling out. Now I'm not placing that blame solely on their shoulders for we both share the blame equally. Words were said that you can never take back. Now I'm not saying this was our worst fight either, there have been plenty of them before now but this one was different. At least for me it was. Normally when we fight, I would have a little sad episode and cry a few tears for about 30 minutes before I'd move on and soon they would move on as well then we'd be friends again. No, last night was totally different. I sat in my room with them just a few feet from me and just moved on. It occurred to me that this has been the very same vicious cycle I was just speaking to a close family member about earlier that day. The cycle goes like this:

1. We're friends.
2. We're friends but there's an edge to everything one of us says that kind of annoys the other.
3. We fight.
4. We make up.
5. Repeat steps 1-4.

Now I'm not saying if this fits your friendship with someone that it's a vicious cycle, but ours was. We both have men in our lives that we have had this cycle with as well. Hers still currently exists, mine, however, I learned from in High School. I learned the cycle I was in with said man was not healthy and was actually hurting me more than anything had ever hurt me before. Her cycle with her man is a bit different than mine but that's to be expected. The point is, I learned that it was a vicious cycle and I got myself out of it. I failed multiple times before succeeding one getting out of the cycle but in the end, I got out and it has now been 7 years since I got out. My mental health has slowly gotten better since he was cut from my life and I'm still working on a few things but I am still learning new things to love and accept about myself.

Now the her and I cycle is a bit harder to get out of because we live together. She was my best friend for just about as many years as I've been out of the vicious cycle with my man. So how do you escape a cycle you can't fully get away from? How I did it with him was I never put myself in his presence. I deleted him on every social media that I had him on and even blocked him and never went places he could be or hung out with people who hung out with him, unless I knew there was no way he'd be there. Now I can't just move out, no matter how much I may want to. It's not practical, especially when money is an issue, let's be honest with each other, that's why we lived together in the first place. So either one of us moving out is off the plate. So what else is there? I can play nice until a better living condition is found but who knows how long that will take or if it will ever happen. Then there's the fact that I don't know if she could possibly play nice as well, and given this morning's events, I think it's a solid no on that front. It's not like I have many other friends I could ask to move in with, as I said it was just her and I in my small group. I have other people I talk to but we're not on the level of friendship when living together is an option. So what else is there for people like me? Am I the only one who can see a vicious cycle?

My family who knows how close her and I have been over the past years thinks we should kiss and make up, and when I try to explain to them that I can't do that, that I won't do that, they say I'm crazy because she was my best friend and best friends fight. Yes, friends fight I know that better than everything but let's be honest friends don't fight every other week like we do. Literally! The last time we fought was the weekend before my birthday, which by the way is August 1st so it's been just over 20 days? Yeah, that's a little more than every other week but still two fights within less than a month and it's been getting worse over the past few months. That's how I know we can't go back to being the same. Am I crazy? Maybe, but I already had mental health issues and I don't need more. I can barely handle the ones I have already.

So in the end, ending the friendship is best for my health and I need to put my health before anyone else's right now. If that makes me a bad person so be it. You win some you lose some. Sometimes losing someone to help your mental health is the best thing you can do. Now for our living situation I can't change that anytime soon, maybe she can I don't know, but I will play nice as long as she does. Let's see what's to come in the next few days before I leave out of town for work. Let's see what it is also like when I return from work as well. Wish me luck, and I wish you luck with your vicious cycles.

Stay Golden.