To the heroin addict; I can't love you anymore.

I know this may come as a shock to you. Although you should’ve seen it coming from miles away. I know you never imagined I could leave you. The only thing you felt you knew to be true is that I would always be there. That even when you had nothing. No money, no place to sleep, no family and no job, that you always had me. I question since this is true why did you never appreciate me? You would think if somebody was left and hurt their entire life, if they spent over two decades searching for a love they always needed to feel whole. Going through life with their chest feeling hollow and feeling like nobody cares. And when they find out your problems and what you struggle with they leave. And don’t care enough to stay and try to help you. Like every ex who left you because you were “crazy”. When really you’re a sad, abused little animal whose been tortured by all the hurt in your life when all you needed was somebody to see your darkness and still continue loving you. You kept that dark cloud hidden for so long. Because anytime if you were close to someone and the darkness over took the sunshine and made your skies pitch black with not even the stars being able to shine through. And the storm would start flooding and lightening would strike. The person would immediately leave. Because they couldn’t love all of you. They could only love the superficial, always happy, always funny, always confident, sweetly sarcastic side of you. When there’s another half of you that’s sadly insecure and hates yourself, that questions why girls even find you attraction. A side that is lugubrious and depressed. That questions if your life is meaningful and is too tired and beaten up to make a joke let alone even fake a smile. They wanted you to be this person you made yourself seem to be. And once they realized you were deep and complex and had many layers. They would run away once the darkness was exposed. But because I truly loved you. I love you despite all of your flaws. I loved every part of you. And because of my own dark cloud that always surrounded my life. Your darkness is one of the things I like the most about you. Because just like you I pretend to be a certain person and once the clouds turn black and the sound of thunder quakes, I am also left. I am also ran from. I too wanted somebody to love me. And not just my rainbow but also my cloudy sky’s. That’s why I cherish you so much. And the year and a half we were apart all the things I did to hurt you resonated with me. I started seeing a new psychologist and worked tirelessly to overcome the things I did that hurt you. That pushed away the person who loved not just me, but all of me. My sunshine and my thunder storms. I wanted to change. Not just because I wanted to finally be a healthy person. But also because if I never changed, I’d have lost you forever. Because I never wanted to ever do the things that hurt you most, ever again. And that’s when you would ghost me and I’d say really mean and awful things to you. Telling you that you are a loser junkie and your mom sucks c*** to stay alive. All because of this deep routed fear of abandonment my parents gave me when they sent me off as a teenager and completely left me in a strange emotionally and physically dangerous place. I changed. And a year and a half later we finally reconnected. Because I had changed. And because I knew the things I did to hurt you and how it ruined us before. I wanted to do it all right this time. I didn’t want to do anything wrong or that I didn’t mean. I never wanted you to leave again. I never wanted to lose you again. Because like you I always wanted somebody to love me fully. But unlike you when I met that person, I would do anything in my power to hold on tight and not let them fall through my finger tips. Because losing them. Losing you, would’ve been the worst thing that could happen to me. Because you loved every inch of me and weren’t scared by my instability or darkness. You understood. And often we sat under the dark clouds together and listened to the thunder and sat there in the rain. We often shared our darkness, but we didn’t stop loving each other. However there has always been a difference with you. I feel it’s possible you only subconsciously realize these things. Or maybe you do consciously realize them but will never appreciate these facts like I do. When we reconnected a year and a half later after our powerful rain storm turned into a hurricane and kept us in the darkness for so long. We finally reconnected in the sunlight. I knew I always wanted that sun to keep shining. And I knew sometimes clouds would surface. But I never wanted it to get so dark that we lost each other again. And I was scared it could end up being permanent this time. For that month we spent together after being apart for so long the sunlight felt so warm. It was as if we were at the beach in Mexico. But it quickly faded. It was as if the sun turned to danger and we get horrible sun blisters that puffed up and filled with liquid. When I sensed the danger I tried to speak with you, to make things right. Because even though I knew I would do everything to never lose you again. You were not so concerned. I don’t think you even know what it is you really want. Because maybe you have convinced yourself you always wanted somebody to fully love every part of you unconditionally,  the dark and the light. Somebody who takes care of you and protects you. Somebody who would do anything for you, learn and understand your demons. Somebody you could call when your head couldn’t stay above the water anymore and who would always pick up and tell you it will be OK. Someone who no matter, no matter how, would always be there by your side. You told yourself you wanted a best friend who loved you like a brother and treated you as their friend. A best friend that you felt close to emotionally but also close to physically. Somebody you could be blown away with when kissing. Because after you would kiss the fireworks would fly into the sky zipping in different directions. And you’d hear a loud booming sound as you watched all different colors sparkle and dance under the bright moon. And somebody who blows you away with their intelligence, knowledge and the fact that they are such a conversationalist, that you could talk about anything for hours. But someone who wasn’t surfaced. Someone who was also deep. You think you wanted all of these things. But you really don’t. Because when we reconnected, I tried to give you everything you made me believe you wanted. I tried to love you so much in a way that you knew was pure and genuine. And even when you slowly started hurting me again I didn’t react angrily. I explained to me you were badly hurting me. And I expected that to make you stop. Because I thought you felt the way I did. That I could never lose you again. That I was miserable and lonely for that unbearably long time we were apart. And I never wanted to feel that way again. I knew I never wanted to go back to living without you. But none of that mattered to you. Maybe it was just the drugs. Or maybe it was because you rather give your time to women who don’t really know you or even care about you. Maybe you think you want all those things I mentioned. But maybe what you actually chase and keep in your life are those who you have no future with, who wouldn’t care if you were hurt or crying. Who could never possibly really love you. And you could never really love them. Maybe you do the thing you know hurts me the most. Maybe you kept ghosting me again and now have been doing it over a month because you don’t appreciate me. And you don’t appreciate me because in reality it’s not me you want. You tell yourself this lie. You build up an image in your head. That you want to be with somebody who is like me in every sense. And you want to have a successful career. A family. A home. A beautiful life. But none of that is true. Because you do everything to hurt me, to push me away. You found out two and a half years ago that ghosting me causes me so much pain. And you do it over and over and over again. Until I’ve reached my breaking point and I get tired of giving and you just bleeding me dry. You don’t want true love. Because when you finally got all you dreamed you ever wanted you did everything in your power to make it go, to make it never come back. You just want to be inside a strange woman you don’t know anything about and look in her eyes and see nothing there. You want to let your tongue touch somebody else’s who doesn’t care if you shoot up right right in front of her. You want to text and flirt with a girl who would run away from you if they knew what your demons really were. You want to spend your days loving up on and giving attention to women who wouldn’t shed one tear or even be slightly moved if heroin took your life. All the while during all of this you are completely ignoring and ghosting me the only person in this world who really loves you and would die with you if you really did pass away from drugs. Something you say you always wanted. But now it’s clear you don’t. You will only keep me in your life and keep me around if I stop caring about you. You don’t want somebody who loves you. You want somebody who doesn’t see who you really are and would never take the time to know what it is you really need. You don’t want or cherish true love. You want meaningless sexy, empty emotions and drugs. If I could give you no meaning and make you feel an empty numbness. Maybe then you’d answer all my calls. And that is why I can’t love you anymore. Because you only want me around if I could feel a nothingness towards you. You don’t appreciate my love. You don’t cherish it. And you certainly don’t want it or care that you’ve lost it. You've left me so completely broken and shattered into pieces. That the peices have gotten so small almost like dust. That it would take so much time and effort to put them back to together. A time and effort you will never take in order to get my love back.