To the Girl Dating with a Big Heart After a Broken Heart
The fear. The rush. The adrenaline. The fall. It's all too real.
Because the last time you felt something like this, you ended up feeling like nothing.
It’s absolutely terrifying for you to put yourself back out there when you've been out of the game for so long. When the last time you did, your heart got hurt so badly that you didn't know if it would ever be the same again.
When your heart loved so hard and cared so much and it was all for nothing. When you’re so afraid that anyone else that comes along is only going to inevitably hurt you. That they are never going to love or care about you the way you care about them. You were left in so many pieces after what happened last time. You don’t want to go back through what you weren’t even sure you would even make it through. You don’t want to ever have to feel that again.
It's hard to let someone new in. To trust them and their intentions. To let yourself care. To let yourself love. To be vulnerable and open your heart again.
What you have, it feels real. But, you don’t want it to be real because if it’s not real you can’t get hurt. The feelings developed so fast that you couldn’t stop them, no matter how much you tried. You try to contain them, control them. You’re trying to take it slow because you want it to last. You don’t want to put too pressure on it. You don't want to feel what you are feeling because as great as it is, you associate it with pain in the end. You want to hope for the best and believe that everything will work out, but you don't want to get your hopes up because the more you do, the more it will hurt. The more you care, the more it hurts. The higher the hope, the harder the fall.
And you never know, people can surprise you. People can hurt you when you least expect it. It always seems like the moment you let your guard down is the moment you regret it. The moment you actually start to care about them is the moment they hurt you. And the moment you get attached is the moment you get your heart broken.
"She didn't want to get hurt, but then who does? Sometimes that's what happens when you take a chance. So tonight she'll drink a little too much and wallow in it. And tomorrow she'll get it together and put her hair in a ponytail. Because she knows that is living. It's in the chances you take."
You've only known them for a little over a month and you don't want to care as much as you do. You don't want to get attached. Because you don't even know if they are going to stay or if they'll leave you just like everyone else that you've ever cared about. Just when you think they won’t leave, just when you think they’re gonna stay.
But, you can't help it. You have such a big heart. And when that heart of yours finds something real, it holds onto it because it's such a rare thing that you find someone you think is worth it. It’s rare that you find someone that you actually care about. Your heart opens up and you fall hard and fast. You try to stop yourself and control what you feel, but your heart will always win. You think it’s a choice to fall for someone, but for you it isn’t. You think you can protect yourself and control what you feel and keep your emotions in check, but all you’re doing is denying what you know you feel. You know your feelings are valid and real, you just don’t want to admit it to yourself. You don’t want to acknowledge them because once you do you give them validity. And it’s scary to think that someone else can hurt you.
But, it's just who you are. You find someone that you think is worth it and you give your all. It’s easy to casually date multiple people when you’re not completely interested in any of them. But, when you find a diamond you don’t want anyone else.
You put in time and effort. You don’t know how to do something half way. You either choose them or you don’t. You commit to them or you don’t. You either like them or you don’t. You can’t create something that isn’t there and you can’t erase the feelings that are there. You trust them. You care about them. You love hard and unapologetically. You go all in. And you love with every ounce of your being. Your heart knows no time table, all it knows is what it feels.
You are afraid that all of your effort might be for nothing. And it might be, but you'd rather try then always think what if. Your head says protect yourself, but your heart says this time it will be different...
You don't want to be this invested because there's still a chance that they might not even pick you. They might want someone else. Hell, they could ghost and you could never hear from them ever again. The fact that people just disappear without any consideration for other people’s feelings is what makes dating so terrifying. The fear that they don't feel the same way you do. That you care more and love harder. That you're gonna be the one that gets hurt the most out of this. You are fearful of being hurt again because you know that the only way you get hurt is by caring. And you know what happened the last time you felt this way about someone. It's terrifying for you. But, you can't live with what ifs.
You can't deny how much you do care. You don't want to care, but you do. You can't ignore that you are somewhat attached. You don't want to admit it, but you are. You can't fight what you feel. You keep denying it and trying to suppress it because you want to protect yourself from getting hurt. Because there's still that chance that they might not even feel the same way.
But regardless of how much pain your heart has felt and how much you try to protect yourself, there's just something that tells you that this time it will be worth it. And you really hope that part of you is right this time because your big heart doesn’t want to get broken once again. You really hope that this time it will be worth it.
“From the moment I saw her I knew this one was worth a broken heart.”