Title Redacted

at the intersection of carly rae jepsen and that guy that drake maybe killed, there’s a young woman watching the traffic. it’s somehow 100 mile an hour gridlock today. somehow, it’s slow motion and rapid chaos at the same time. there are collisions and fires. cars are flipping and crashing but nothing is stopping or slowing down. to me it seems dangerous to sit and watch from a park bench so close. i wouldn’t have expected this woman, or anyone, to be so at ease within inches of the madness, but she was.

i just met her last month, but she’s one of those new friends you find so fascinating and impressive that you just let them take the lead because it’s intriguing and feels curiously safe, albeit unfamiliar. so i watched her from a distance like we agreed, as she sat there all fucking day. she sat up close and just watched the wild traffic. her patience and certainty fascinated me. she talked into the little walkie talkie and i listened on the other end as i watched her from my hiding place, the traffic obstructed from my view. i listened intently to her tell me what she saw. here are my notes:

it’s ok to love someone you don’t know

it’s ok to love someone and not say it

it’s ok to miss the memories made by two people that no longer exist

it’s ok to wish they still did

or never did at all

it’s ok to sit paralyzed in sadness

and confusion

it’s ok to want conflicting things

it’s ok if you have to hold your breath to feel the depths of pain….

…i know i can love someone i’ve never even met

i can’t prove it i just know it’s true

because i do.

and you did.

and he knew.

and there it is

and here we are

who am i?

who are you?

passing through this flash of now

there’s nothing you can do

but it’s alright if you deeply want to.

“what? how the fuck if anyone supposed to understand that?” i asked her through the crackles & pops of the antiquated technology we opted for simply to amuse ourselves.

“babe….” she said with a captivating edge as she broke her focus on the traffic and slowly turned to stare straight at me. i couldn't see her eyes in the distance, but i could feel them. “…you’re not ‘supposed’ to do a damn thing.”

and then i surprised myself, but not her. flinging the walkie & leaping from my cover i sprinted to her side like a child playing tag and racing to touch the base where it’s safe. i plopped down on the bench like a magnet and excitedly sat on my hands, eyes wide on the traffic.

“....aaaint nothin’ but a mistake…” i heard faintly coming from a tiny radio on the other side of her.

“are you listening to backstreet boys?” i asked in amused disbelief, squinting at it and half smiling at her

‘...i never wanna hear you say….’ she mouthed along with the faint vocals as she smirked at me, nodding to the beat.

“incredible.” i thought. and i laughed, overcome with delight and awe. i felt electric next to her on the bench, watching the anomalous anarchy to the tune of late 90’s pop and her intermittent fragments of baffling wisdom. she was a current - an open channel of god only knows what. sitting close to her, i felt new. i just sat there open, and raw as the traffic, the song and her words seeped into every cell. Noticing she had the song on repeat, I began to settle into the relief of peaceful confusion. i stopped trying to understand. i wasn’t supposed to understand. instead i simply listened, and sat, and watched. Like a tide coming in, her soothing power washed over me steadily. i knew i had no choice, and no deeper yearning than to trust her absolutely. finally.

Afterward

it's ok to regret, and to worry

and have no explanation for either

it's ok to burst into flames

and love the warmth while hating the ache

it's ok if it happens again and again

i just need you to stay

YOU need you to stay.

because this is new

and so are you.