Time To Say Goodbye

I met my best friend my freshman year of college. We were part of a larger group of friends who were so close we were practically inseparable. During second semester of that year, two of our friends studied abroad, so the rest of us bonded even further to cement the foundation of our group. This was the semester my best friend truly became my best friend.

Our friendship blossomed and grew. We did everything together. We snapchatted every day, we knew each other's families, we visited each other in the summer. We were inseparable. We had our other friends, of course, but we were two peas in a pod, practically the same person. My girlfriend has told me before, "I used to get sad thinking that I would never be as close to you as she is." While this turned out to be untrue, it still demonstrates the strength of our friendship.

I thought we were going to be friends forever. She is asexual and aromantic and we used to make jokes that if I wasn't married by 40 she and I would get married for tax reasons. However, this all changed when she received her BPD diagnosis.

Now, pretty much everyone in our friend group has mental illness to some extent. It has just been a matter of pushing each other to get the help we all needed. My best friend began to get help second semester of sophomore year. Things were good at first. She was getting put on medication, she seemed more stable, having someone to talk to about the things she didn't want to tell us was really healthy for her. During our first semester of junior year, her therapist told her that she likely had BPD, or borderline personality disorder.

I'm not going to get into all the specifics of what BPD is and talk about its misconceptions because that would be a whole different article. However, BPD isn't what everyone thinks it is. I know multiple other people with BPD and they are able to work with it. Furthermore, they consciously keep an eye out for any behaviors that might be abusive or manipulative and work to combat them.

However, my best friend does not do that. Things were fine at first. However, as time passed, she began to become self-centered and manipulative. She manipulated me into coming to her apartment to stop her from telling a guy she liked something even though she knew I didn't want to come over while she was drinking. She kept saying, "No one is here to stop me so I'm just gonna do it." When I arrived, she messaged the guy anyway.

She only cares about herself. She never asks about our plans or our days, and even when we tell her about them she immediately forgets. She completely ignores our one roommate, to the point that she will talk to the rest of us and ignore her. When I am not home she ignores my girlfriend and our other roommate and just generally makes them feel like shit.

I just want to clarify that I have nothing against mental illness or people with BPD. I myself suffer from mental illness, and most of my friends do. The thing is, though, mental illness is not an excuse to treat those around you like shit. It is not an excuse to only think of yourself and ignore the needs of your friends and roommates. Having mental illness is not an excuse to manipulate those around you and engage in abusive behaviors for your own gain. Yes, this sometimes happens while dealing with mental illness, but we have a responsibility to be aware of these instances and actively combat them. She does not do that.

The worst part of this all is, since we live with her for the next year, we can't even say anything. We are stuck in this limbo where we don't want to tell her how we feel because we know she will react badly and rashly and do who knows what. We also don't want to have to live any more uncomfortably than we already do. So while we live together, she is still holding the title of best friend, but only in spirit. The day we move out the time will finally come when we can cut her loose, and I can't wait for it.

I feel bad about it. I feel bad that I have to lie to her. Sometimes I get a glimpse of the person she used to be. We will be watching TV downstairs, joking, and it's like old times. But then she does something else that reminds me of why this needs to happen.

No one likes drifting away from their best friend. However, sometimes it is necessary. It is difficult, and it feels like shit, but it is necessary. You need to be able to step up and make those hard decisions in life, otherwise, you will never get away from those toxic people.