Time to quit the quitter

Spring 2020 found me in over my head and overwhelmed. I know what you’re thinking, and no it didn’t have anything to do with COVID. This was actually just before that all got under way (and by that I mean literally two weeks before). The set up was such: I was playing the role of Feste the Jester in a community theatre production of Twelfth Night which basically means I was the second biggest role in the show and I was running from work to rehearsal multiple nights a week; frankly I was not loving it. Even with all of that going on I thought it was a fine idea to join another musical, a small highschool-college group putting on Disney’s Newsies in which I played the role of Race, the seventh biggest role. It was about that time, thinking about going from one rehearsal to another rehearsal I realized I was in way over my head. My first course of action wasn’t the best, but it also wasn’t the easiest. Obviously, drop out of one of the shows, Twelfth Night, because I had actually committed to Newsies first. That seemed like a good idea so I called my producer on the telly and told him “hey man, I can’t do the show.” He gave me a good talking to (like any good producer would) and we came to a compromise where I could stay in both shows and simply attend less rehearsals. Problem solved right?

Then, as things would happen, a pandemic sprouted from out of the misfortunes of 1,000 bad wishes and a year later we’re still wearing pieces of cloth on our faces and yelling at people who infringe on our personal space, like civilised people. The second show, Newsies, ended up getting called off and I still went on to perform in Twelfth Night, despite the odds. It was actually a very good time. I’m beyond grateful my producer talked me down that one Tuesday afternoon and convinced me to stay. Feste was my largest role to-date and I’m really glad I did it. It may still be shaping my life almost a year later (though the exact validity of that statement remains to be seen. Stay tuned!).

With all that said and done that’s not what this post is about. Later that same year, after spending the summer slightly less than employed, I ran into an old friend at my cousin’s wedding. He just so happened to own his own home remodeling business (my old friend, not my cousin), and he’s always looking for workers. So I started with him in October and by November I was ready to quit (I know, not a great thing to have on the resume). It was so much mental and physical strain, and we worked insane hours every day and I was simply not happy with it. I had actually made up my mind to quit and once again someone (a different someone this time) talked me down and convinced me to stick around. Instead I switched over to part time work which ended up being a good idea. I’m actually still working there (for the time being) while I figure out what to do next.

Both these seemingly unrelated stories suddenly made sense to me one day while I was muddling through a period of depression and personal dissociation. It happens sometimes, that I just feel like not myself or like I’m not going anywhere in life-- or even if I am I’m not going there yet and right now I’m stuck in nowhere’s ville, waiting for a bus that seems three years behind schedule. I really hate nowhere’s ville. That one afternoon it clicked that I had a character flaw, and a pretty prominent one at that. When the going gets tough I typically try to bail. I know that’s a bad thing (trust me, nobody knows my flaws like me), but I didn’t even care. I was so ecstatic to see a personality trait at all it brought me crashing back to hope. I think that’s what people mean when they say to look at the bright side-- sure, I’ve gotta deal with that issue sooner or later, but for now it proves I’m alive. Alive is a very good way to be, my friends.