Those that I have loved before

I was 6 years old when I had my first crush on a boy, he was a year older than me and was so kind he used to give me piggy backs.

I remember when I found out he was moving to Queensland; I was so devastated. I was that little girl who was shy with a big heart who would always fall for cute boys.

My first major feelings of love started when I was at the end of year six, he was a new boy that was going to the same college as me.

He was beautiful, he had dark skin, blue/green eyes and was taller than all the other boys I knew.

The summer before year seven he started ‘going out’ with one of my friends in which at the time I did not mind as I got a chance to hang out with him. I remember riding our bikes around, continuously talking and going to the ski show with him. I met his little brother and sister; we swam in the lake together until it was dark...but then they broke up.

I started high school and he was in my math class plus we were assigned to sit next to each other, we used to talk so much.

He was smart but was one of those boys that thought he was not, he started hanging out with the cool group. I would just stare at him and used call him Mr. X.

I was so shy I could not tell him or anyone about the way I felt. I remember feeling sick in my stomach as I just could not stop thinking of him. I knew what his mum’s car looked like, I knew where he lived, and I would always wait after school to see him leave.

A few years later I had my 16th birthday party and I forgot to invite him, I remember someone coming up to me and asking why I did not invite him. He thought I hated him, but I liked him so much it hurt, I felt so bad, and walked up to him to invite him to my party.

We were sitting around the fire together at my party talking and we got into talking about how I was 16 and never been kissed. I remember him leaning in and I panicked and threw water on his face. I was so mad at myself as this was my chance, the thing that I had been thinking about since I was 12 years old.

I still have dreams about him, in my dreams we do the whole teenage relationship, and we are happy.

To this day I wish I said something as it still eats me up, and after I dream of him it is all I think of all day. I always think maybe one day our lives might collide with each other and maybe we will become friends.

I still follow events in his life, he has had things happen like me such as drug issues and mistakes that make a person grow. He seems happy now, with a girlfriend and lots of friends.

After year 10 I went to another school in another town and did not really have any crushes again until I turned 18 and got a job at one of the clubs in my town.

It was my first shift working in the bar, he was so handsome and kind.

He showed me how to do everything around the bar and talked to me throughout our shift. I instantly fell for him in a way of lust but I was too afraid to do anything as I was still a virgin and he was also already seeing one of the girls I worked with.

I used to dream of him driving me home from work, leaning in to kiss me and then I lift my hips as he takes my underwear off.

I used to do laps and laps around the walking track trying to stop thinking of him as I would get so clumsy and nervous when I would work with him. Sometimes at work he would touch the middle of my back or we would have to work in the bottom bar together with hardly any room. I had never felt such lust, that year I lost a good 15 kilos due to the stress but ended up finishing up around summer as I was going to Europe.

After Europe I moved to Melbourne and lived on my university campus.

I did have sex with someone, but it wasn’t a big deal it was just one of those things where I want to just do it and get it over with.

One of the university nights I got very drunk and blacked out. I say that I woke up like I was asleep and was making out with this guy that was quite cute. We went back to his room and yada yada yada. We kept seeing each other out and would always end up going to one another room. I got a strong feeling for him and I think he liked me too. But I fucked it up and fooled around with his roommate. I felt so sick and he told me that I had no self-control. It sucked I really liked him, but I destroyed it with my own stupidity. He wanted to get together again the second year but funnily enough I met someone else.

In my second year on campus, I met this older man who had just left the army to study to be a paramedic. The first three weeks were just sex and talking. We became good friends and hung out every night where I became friends with his friends as well. We eventually made it official and became a couple. We fell in love and we moved in with each other then got engaged. We have been together for 8 years. He is my best friend, my soul mate, and my lover. We have had some hard times with mental health, money, drug and alcohol issues but we pulled through. We have four cats and a dog plus each other and that all we need. We are happy, we are looking to the future, to have babies and buy a house. Life is good we love each other like crazy and hate being apart but at times we don’t have a choice.

All these boys and men have made me feel things that I never thought I had but only recently have been reflecting on. I have been in love many times, when I fall, I fall hard and that’s just who I am.