This Strange Life

I am a week away from entering my 31st revolution around the sun. A very strange age; I guess it is only strange due to the societal pressures put on women both before and after they turn 30. When I think of aging, I truly pay it no mind. However, once you are 30, it feels like each year forward is a milestone in and of itself. Throw in the other milestones you are told you should have met (marriage, children, travel, career, etc.), and you kind of get this big shock.

I am a week away from 31 with zero clarity about life. I am nowhere near any of the milestones I mentioned. I quit my job and budding career in lab science because I was unhappy. It was draining me and taking away my love for science and my sense of wonderment along with it. I am hopelessly single and seem to be attracting nothing but unavailable partners, despite putting it into the universe that I want a secure and safe relationship. Traveling is also a bit hard when you don’t have a job—the student loan debt for a job that left you miserable creeping into your mind. Don’t forget all the bills.

When I was in my early 20s, I wanted to figure things out, so I would not be in the positions I currently am in. I swear everything I told myself I would never let happen to me seems to have occurred. It makes you think of what genuine autonomy we have over ourselves. Over our ever so moldable brains? I found the loops I’m in because society told me this is how I have to live. This is the job I need. This is the kind of partner I need. This is where I have to stay because it is what I can afford. It was all so overwhelming, but I put my passions aside to follow. Why would my family steer me wrong? Why would my teachers steer me wrong?

I am a 1st generation immigrant who was told the US was the land of opportunity compared to my home country of Iraq. When I learned of my chances here, I was drawn to the things I found out my ancient ancestors were the pioneers of. Science, Innovation, literature, etc. All those things I found out in this country were only worth following if you could use capitalism to advance. Or you give your time and energy to a titan of their industry. It is kind of funny in a fucked-up way when you grow up and realize how duped you are by not just media but your community.

The other option was getting married. I didn’t have to find someone; my parents would find them for me. Easy enough, right? Until you learn how beautiful it is to connect to others, especially in an intimate way. How could someone want to marry me solely from seeing my Facebook photo? No other form of connection. I was the weird one, though, for questioning that idea.

Being a young adult was indeed so overwhelming. Being a full adult is still as overwhelming. I feel like I have lived far longer than 31 years. There was a lot of strife sprinkled in between this extraordinary life. There still is; even as I am on the cusp of my 31st birthday, I can’t fully say life has gotten better or easier or even clearer for that matter but oddly enough, what has come is a sense of gratitude for this wild ride.

The beauty of vulnerability and the value of facing some pain is worth the ride. I meet a lot of struggles, and so many existential questions seem to pop up in what feels like every second of my life. I have found that since dropping the dogmas that I was conditioned to believe, life feels like it is making a little more sense. I find addressing things I would avoid or doing something that I felt would bring me disappointment end up doing the opposite. I don’t know what 31 will have in store for me, but I’m here for it: struggles and all.