Things I Will Teach My Son

Nobody can ever prepare you for the ways in which children change your life. Before my son was born, I thought I knew what it meant to love, to feel pride, to dream. None of it meant anything before you. Six years ago, I was stuck in a cyclical tirade of a relationship: weakening, destroying, leaving me in pieces like a mirror that had shattered. Six years ago, I had no sense of purpose in life. No dreams, no drive. I'd always wanted to be a parent. But I never knew how much I needed you until you were there, and then nothing was ever the same again.

1. It is not shameful to be in touch with your emotions.

As a man, you'll be told to be tough, to man up, as if stoicity is the basis of masculinity. It isn't shameful or degrading to be emotional. You're a sensitive little boy, and I worry this sensitivity will be bullied out of you by people who think it makes you weak. It doesn't. In a world of stoic boys, be a feeler. Be sensitive, and cry when you're sad. It's much better to express your feelings than to bottle them inside.

2. Being nice does not entitle you to anything, but you should be nice anyway.

Because it's the right thing to do, even if it doesn't get you sex, or a date, or a friend. Be nice because you can, especially to those who seem like they don't deserve it. After all, the hardest of souls are the souls who need your love the most.

3. No means no.

And this doesn't just refer to intimacy. It means when your friends tell you they don't want another drink, or your partner says they don't want to attend that party. I have tried to teach you consent since the day you were old enough to understand it. But consent isn't just for sex. No means no, and yes means yes.

4. Strength and muscle is not the basis for manliness.

You don't have to be buff, or sporty, or working out. You will never be less important if you don't fit into conventional standards of masculinity. These standards are meaningless, and there are all sorts of ways to be a boy.

5. I love you.

With all of my heart. Nothing will ever change this. You might disappoint me from time to time, but I will always love you, and I will always support you.

6. Heteronormativity is overrated.

Love whoever you want. Just make sure they treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

7. If you're not interested in someone, tell them respectfully.

Communication is the basis for every healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. You don't have to like someone just because they like you, but you do need to be nice about it. Likewise, when you get rejected - because trust me, it will happen - respect this, and never try to pursue someone who doesn't want to be pursued.

8. Gender is a construct.

So are gender roles. Break all of them. Refuse to live your life based on societal expectations.

9. Take responsibility for your own actions.

You are the only one responsible for your behaviour. Others are responsible for theirs. Don't let anyone try and blame you for their own actions.

10. Your mental health and wellness is more important than impressing people.

It's more important than school, or work, or dates. Don't forget to look after yourself.

11. Your family is not entitled to your time just because they're family.

I want you to know that nobody is entitled to anything: not your time, not your life. You can give it those who deserve it, and others can do the same.

12. You can be whoever you want to be.

Be it a doctor, a princess, a scientist. The world is your canvas, and you can turn it into anything you dream of, no matter what people say. It's nobody's life but yours.

13. Everybody changes.

Even you. Even me. Sometimes, you'll outgrow people you thought you would be in your life forever. Sometimes, you'll realize a longtime friend is no longer compatible. That's okay. You'll meet new people throughout different stages of your life. You'll meet people you need, and people you don't. All of them will teach you something.

14. You can't love away someone's mental illness.

It doesn't matter how much you love them, or how much they love you. Love won't cure sickness. It will help, sure, but it's important to be patient and understanding.

15. The meanest people are the most in need of kindness.

Be a kind human.

16. You don't have to be like everybody else.

It's not bad to be different.

17. It's important to forgive those who deserve it, but it can be hard.

I don't just mean to forgive others when they wrong you. You will make mistakes too, lots of them. It's important to learn how to forgive yourself too. Sometimes, it's hard, and it isn't something you want to do. Sometimes, people aren't deserving of your forgiveness, or you aren't deserving of theirs. Do your best to understand the reasons for someone's actions, and learn to be empathetic to them.

18. Self-love isn't selfish.

It's necessary.