The X

I shouldn’t miss him, I think to myself as I try not to text him... We still share a storage unit so we do have to talk at least once a month. My history of dating emotionally unavailable men or men who lie about having emotions is vast but came to a boiling point with “The X.” We will refer to him as The X in this article. Well, who is he?

He’s the withdrawn, nonchalant, giant. He’s the ghastly, living death, resembling a nihilist, giant. He’s tall just the way I like em but he’s unassuming. He tries to be invisible in a room filled with people. He would only have eyes for me. We had a bond that felt innate almost immediately. I’m famous for looking for those types of “silent connections,” the ones you feel and can’t explain. I love the mystery and he exuded mysterious oh so well. How do you actually date a mystery? Not just date but live with one?

I’m a strong believer that you attract individuals who not only mirror you but who also possess qualities that you lack. If I were to somehow try to categorize my ex’s as a collective, I would say that they are all pretty superficial, surface people who hide from exposing their true nature. Be it trust issues or societal norms, the men I date love me because I’m their opposite, I don’t hide at all. I can make anyone laugh, by accident or deliberately and laughter breaks the ice, no matter how hard it is...

I remember when I first saw him, he walked into the room at 6’4-6’5 with a baseball cap covering most of his face. Long hair all over his face, he glided as he walked... Came to find out that he was a competitive swimmer for most of his life, so that’s his build. His posture is always perfect... I saw him and said to myself, “ooh the exotic type.” I took one look at his facial features, what I could see of them anyway, a nice pair of pink lips and a protruding nose and liked what I saw. I put my natural charming skills to good use and said to him as he was kneeling with one knee on the floor, “are you proposing?” After which he looked up at me, taken by surprise but trying to play it cool, “are you the woman of my dreams?” I asked him months later if he saw me before that moment, he said no but definitely after.

I played hard to get the following 2-3 times we had brief encounters until he finally just asked me out on a date. He asked me to hang with him and some friends on more than one occasion after work but I said nope... I would never forget the moment he leaned in to ask me out. We were on a stairway, I was at the top of the stairs, he was on my right a couple stairs down. A lot of people were around and there he was. He found me out of the crowd as if he knew where I was at all times. He has big green eyes that stare at you and with those eyes he asked me to go out with him. He was bold and seemed like no was not an option, so I said yes. He took me home after work once, that could’ve been the night that we went to one of his favorite dive bars. The details are a bit fuzzy, this was a year and 4 months ago.

The bar was in the middle of Hollywood, it was a weekend (I think) and the bar was well spaced and pretty empty. I don’t get night life in LA, it’s so different from Miami’s eclectic, vibrant buzzing scene. Everyone was in their own corner per usual so we sat in our corner. His back was against the wall. He ordered from the bar and I didn’t like my mojito so he ordered me a second drink. I can be picky but I’m not gonna fake it if I don’t like it and alcohol happens to be something I’m picky about. Life’s too short for a bad mojito. We kissed a couple times before leaving the bar, after which I’m sure any feelings of doubt about the drink hiccup were expelled by then. He took me home.

Our second date was a work thing. He writes and produces comedy sketches and asked me to act alongside him. It was... interesting. It’s always hard to do 3 people’s jobs being 1 person but I had the opportunity to witness him in his element and that only made me want more. The passionate artist... My favorite “type.”

Our first kisses on that first date, little did I know would also be our last. We never did a lot of kissing in our relationship and I’m not sure who’s fault that was, maybe mine. He assumed and I guess wanted me to make the first move, all the time. Probably my fault because I told him on that same night that I like to be in charge. Or rather, he told me that I like to be in charge and I agreed. By the end of our relationship, I could barely get a peck on the lips for more than 1 second. That whole look into each other’s eyes, whispering sweet nothings and kissing for many breaths wasn’t us. We didn’t share those moments. I couldn’t understand how our intimacy was so off, we spent so much time right next to each other!

I’ll admit it, I’m not a relationship person. I’ve never been a relationship person, my relationships don’t last! We lasted for 10 months and lived under the same roof for 8 months. He is “The X.” I loved how unassuming he was. I never had to worry about him, he didn’t want me to. We developed a routine. He had a routine separate from mine. I loved that. He wasn’t needy, he knew how to be there for me without overpowering me. We had a silent agreement that suited us fine.

He is not a talker. He’s a writer and comedian. He’s skilled at his crafts and dissatisfied when he’s not creating. Him being him was enough of a motivation for me until I got needy. It was the quarantine, I wasn’t the me he met and knew. The me he met and knew had my own thing going on, turned him down, was busy, preoccupied, working all the time. He needed that push and pull and I was only pulling so he started pushing. That’s how I saw it, that’s how our friend and former roommate saw it but he would never admit it. He has what is called, “toxic positivity” where the thought of entertaining a negative thought would immediately be stonewalled and repelled mid sentence. Our communication suffered because of it. How do you stay positive or rather omit the negative while living in the middle of a pandemic?

Since his departure which was rather “incognito” it’s like he slipped away... I’ve had to answer a lot of my own questions. The red flags were always there but I chose to see the good and not ignore, but not give energy, to the bad. He was mostly bad but his actions towards me were good, if that makes any sense. He had quirks that I adored and still do miss... Our silent communication and body language cues were the sexiest game I enjoyed playing with him. Gosh he was sexy, everyone who met him felt it, hetero and homo alike. He took care of his body. He only used natural soaps, toothbrushes, shampoos, deodorants, even his clothes and boxers were well curated. He meditated and smoked mj first thing in the morning, at lunchtime and before bed. I never understood how he functioned on drugs but he did. He was a force that although unassuming could be felt even at a distance. He would cook for me and we would go grocery shopping together, that was our thing. He loved to eat and of course he only got fitter and built more lean muscle while I gained all the weight. I loved having him around because he was the first guy that didn’t “bother me.” I knew he had demons and he wouldn’t let me in. He would scream in his sleep and have nightmares. We still talk about once a week but he’s in another state and according to him, he doesn’t plan in advance so I shouldn’t expect him to be back...

You can’t date a mystery, a person who only allows you through the front gate so to speak but who keeps all the other doors locked. This was an indicator that I also needed to open my own doors. The X wanted me to meet his parents. He told his Mom about me within the first 2 months of us dating. I wasn’t ready to meet them. My doors were closed and not ready to be opened. I have family issues, I mean who doesn’t? It will take me much longer than 7-9 months of dating before meeting anyone else’s family.

So, how do we communicate? We ignore the elephant in the room. We text each other like everything is normal, like he didn’t slip away. Like he didn’t threaten me with breaking up if I didn’t travel to meet his family with him when he planned for us to go and forced me to buy a plane ticket (which I later canceled) He totally ignores that I broke up with him 4 months ago and asked him why he didn’t break up with me first. He told me he doesn’t do long distance relationships yet here he is in another state, what was I supposed to think? I assumed it meant our relationship was over so I said it was over... He’s hoping that I will never ask any questions and I’m hoping that I won’t have to. I’m hoping that he will open up to me one day and tell me what went wrong. He’s hoping that I... Well that’s the problem... I don’t know what he’s hoping for if anything... Why keep it a mystery? To be continued...?