The Void

I’m falling, and it feels like there is nothing that will ever be able to stop me.

In this darkness I’m thrusting out my limbs, but I can’t feel anything to touch or find something solid to stand on. All around me is impenetrable, unsettling darkness. Do my instincts keep searching for safety to stop me from going mad?

Why am I here?

I can’t think of a reply or suggestion, any reason in fact for what this is. But I can hear a memory knocking at a door in my mind. Maybe this will have some answers. I’m sure I can hear something. Yes. Wind or a gentle breeze? It’s like the sound of leaves rustling in a tree.

The sensation being suspended in nothing is strange. I know I should feel scared or be panicking but I’m not. I feel at peace.

I can see myself, no, I’m actually here, ambling through a sun-drenched park. There is a group of people playing a lazy game of cricket and a smiling couple sitting on a blanket. They have opened a bottle of sparkling wine, a second one seeing that the first one has rolled casually away from them and onto the grass.

Success! The door is ajar.

Damn. The strap on my canvas bag has snapped and I’m foolishly scrabbling about to pick everything up. I’m suddenly self-conscious, someone is watching me. Although my face is flushing with embarrassment, I can feel the tell-tale prickly heat and I’m extremely nervous, I have to look around for the culprit. My senses are frozen. She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and for some reason, she’s looking straight at me.

The rustling has changed to a whooshing noise, like a train in a tunnel, and it’s much louder.

These are stronger memories now. The beautiful woman and me, we are obviously together looking around our flat with satisfaction and joy. Bright tie-dye throws are on the sofa and chair, there is a couple of trendy posters on the walls and a bottle of red wine on the coffee table. It must be doing it’s job as we are laughing and cuddling on the sofa.

We are in love. Am I happy with her?

Woozy now, stumbling into bed, definitely too much to drink.

It’s getting harder to think clearly. The noise is overwhelming, frightening and I’m falling much faster. I can’t control myself.

Here and now, we are walking in the bleak rain soaked countryside. She’s full of enthusiasm, and is always up for stomping outdoors in all weathers. I don’t share this enjoyment and I’m sure I’m being sulky, bringing down the mood.

The noise in the darkness is deafening.

I look up and see a threatening sky. Heavy rain is starting to come down and from somewhere in the thick clouds I can hear a low rumble. My shoes are useless. It’s already muddy and I just keep getting stuck.

I can’t stop myself being thrown all over the place. I’m so frightened, I don’t want to be here anymore.

We are holding hands and trying to outrun the storm but every step in this sodden ground is sapping my strength. Her hand leaves mine, and I watch her bound across to the tree up ahead. I can see her face is full of fear and she is screaming at me through the torrent of rain to get over there with her, and I’m trying so hard, but I can barely lift my legs.

Blinding light. Pain. Horrible pain. I can feel myself trying to blink the rain out my eyes. The sky above me screams and flashes. Her hands touch my face, she is shouting and crying.

Blackness. I can’t be without her.

“It was touch and go there my love”. The nurse bit her lip and immediately regretted her choice of words, as she could see the panic in the woman’s eyes. Quickly, she handed across the swaddled new-born and the woman took it eagerly in her arms. “Everything’s fine” said the nurse, “really, it is”. A contended smile came across her face as she looked at the child. “He’s so lovely. Beautiful.” She gently touched his forehead and ran her finger down to his chin. “He looks just like his Dad”.